Saturday, April 15, 2017

Cheers to the Tub Spiders

Here's to the spider who lives in my tub.

He teaches me never to give up, never to move out, and to keep scurrying about in the rain and that soon, the rain will pass. Let us examine him closer, but pretend he is not a spider, because spiders are disgusting and one should never learn any lessons from spiders.

Let us pretend the spider is a very cute owl. Because owls are nature's teachers and are the ones from whom we should learn lessons.

1) Never give up. my shower does not leave. I decided not to squish him, thinking he'd get sucked down the drain, but no. He clung to the walls like there was no tomorrow -- which there might not have been had he not clung so! No matter how steamy the shower became that little owl did not let go. And when he'd slip or accidentally fall into the stream of water, he'd drag his soggy body back out and start climbing towards safety.

That is to say, no matter how shitty your situation seems, and no matter how long the shittiness lasts, sooner or later someone's gonna turn off the shower. Even if it's just for a little while.

And that little while is worth it. And if it's not, at least it's not raining.

2) Never move out.

If you like where you have found yourself, don't leave without a fight. Why should you? If you feel like you belong there, you belong there. Unless someone's trying to actively squash you or wash you down a drain, you stay. It's your place. It's your stuff. You ain't gotta do nothin' you don't feel like. You're an adult. You found a dang home and there's no reason to move if it's your DREAM.

You're not a hermit crab. Make the world around you your perfectly sized shell home. Don't think you'll move somewhere else and everything will be shiny and new. It's your job to make your world shiny and new.

Unless you're a kid and then you become an adult and wanna move out. That's cool. Or unless you're being held captive or something or are in a clearly bad situation. Or even unclearly. That's all cool. 

Actually, move out whenever you want. You're not an owl in a bathtub.

3) Keep scurrying about in the rain and that soon, the rain will pass.

Now, you might say, isn't this the same as 1) Never give up, which is basically the same thing as 2) Never move out. And I 'd ignore you.

What does it mean to keep scurrying about in the rain if soon the rain will pass? It means, don't stop when the going gets hard. Don't look for a roof to hide under until the rain passes. Who knows when it will? Maybe it'll last 50 stupid years. And you're just gonna sit there and let some dumb water droplets mess up your plans?

No. You keep scurrying. Keep scurrying to your goals. If you need a break, that's okay, I guess. But try to keep scurrying while you're breaking.

You know how far that owl in my tub got while being bombarded with a storm the likes of which he'd never seen? Not very far. But far enough. Far enough to survive. Again, you're not an own in a bathtub, so get farther than far enough to survive. Live. DAMNIT. LIIIIIIIIVE.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Tina Fey's Boring Dress

In anticipation of awards show fashion to come, I have to ask: How does this happen?
You might be thinking, how does what happen? She looks fine. I'm saying this dress stinks. It looks like a Jessica McClintock prom dress. Not even a McClintock reject, because that would be better.
 I don't understand how these things happen. When you're a celebrity who can basically wear whatever you want in the world and you have a swat team of people to tell you whether or not you look fantastic, how does such a boring dress happen? Tina. You're better than this. At least wear something super weird if you're not gonna wear something super-spectacular.

Like remember that time everyone wore capes to the Golden Globes?
That was really weird, but we as a collective human body were just, like, okay. This makes sense. And it wasn't really okay, but at least it was SOMETHING. 
I mean, I don't know about you, but I'd rather wear an idiotic cape and look like a goddamn glamorous superhero than like I got lost on the way to the prom.

Would you rather be a Thor?
Or would you rather look like an Aria running through prom with that weird dumb bow thing on her head?

Just. Think about it.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

16 Amazing Ways to Be AMAZING in 2016

Here's some stuff to do or not to acknowledge the passage of time and attempt self-actualization.

1) Be less active.
Rest is great. There's so much good TV to watch and books to read. You know what else is great? Arts 'n' crafts. Who needs jogging when you've got watercolors and glue and glitter and stuff? Exercise THE MIND.

2) Get more stuff.
Stuff is great. It rarely lets you down and when it does, you can just buy better, newer stuff.

3) Eat fewer things.
Pretty sure most of us eat too much. This one's easy and fun if you're lazy because it's just not doing something.

4) Spend less time with people and more time with dogs.

This one's easy, too. Take your dog to the dog park where all the other dogs are. Or get two dogs if you have one dog. If you don't have any pets, don't get a dog. Just hang out with your friends' dogs more. Dogs are way better than people, like, 99% of the time. Actually, probably definitely all the time.

5) Get rid of stuff.
I know, I just said get more stuff and now I'm saying get rid of stuff. What's the DEAL?? I mean get rid of junk. You don't need junk. You don't need mementos when you've got memories, toots. And if your memory stinks, DIGITIZE those mementos. DIGITIZE!

6) Be less patient.
Sometimes you gotta smash a cupcake to get what you want. Be nice to customer service people and retail people. But be way quicker to jump to asking to talk to a supervisor or whatever. And don't let people who seem to have one or two things jump ahead of you in line at the market. These people are always trouble and always take forever and never give two flying farts about your time. Don't give people your flying farts. Save those for when you gotta catch some air. You know?

7) Use your brain more.
Listen to your stupid brain. It's done so much thinking that it should know what it's doing. Ignore the heart. The heart has no brain. Ignore your gut. Your gut has no brain. You know what's got brains? Your brain.

8) Take less advice.
People are dumb with advice almost always. Listen to the advice. And think about it. But don't just do things because your dumb friends or dumb family dumb told you to. Be your own pony. Do what you want as long as it doesn't mean you're being a jerk to everyone else. And if it means you're being a jerk to do what you want -- well, enjoy a lonely future floating in a pool made of your own butt-leakings.

9) Give more presents.
Giving gifts is the best. Make stuff for people you like. Make stuff for yourself. Make everyday a holiday. Because why the eff not.

10) Make an enemy.
This seems like it'd be fun. Nothing violent or anything. Maybe just write angry letters to some jerk corporation. And keep on writing back to them if they answer. Keep on writing to them if they don't.

11) Don't wait til you're 30 to get all 4 wisdom teeth out at once.
Fairly self-explanatory.

12) Let's just stop with Jennifer Aniston.
She's average-looking at the very best, makes terrible movies, and that TV show she did that we all loved ended a million years ago. She's not been consistently lovable since. You know who has? Betty White. Who we all LOVE. For good reason. Transfer all Aniston love to White.

13) Care less about most stuff.
Most stuff doesn't matter. Pick, like, a couple main things and focus on those. Whatever -  some dumb issue like the environment or saving the children, or maybe finishing your quilt of all the American presidents who died in office and knitting that sweater for your dog made of its own fur. But don't try and care about it all. We can't care about everything all the time.

14) Learn to cook or learn to put out kitchen fires.
Look, it's not charming that you don't know how to cook. It's less charming if when you do cook you burn everything and set the kitchen on partial fire. Figure it out. It's 2016.

15) Make more lists.
You feel accomplished and get to check things off and feel even MORE accomplished. Put everything on your to-do lists. Wake up. Brush Teeth. Shower. Put on Clothes. Check! Check! Check! Check! BAM. You're a productive wizardgenius.

16) Wear formal pants less.
People are all like, you need to get dressed to be productive. No, stinkpots. You just need to be productive to be productive. Wear sweatpants or pajama pants. Who effin cares. Now, personally, I find the transition from pajama pants to sweatpants to be transformative. But that's me. If you can climb your Everest in your pajamawear, have at it.

NOTE: The terminology 'formal pants' is inclusive of any lower body covering that involves zippers, buttons, non-soft fabrics, and anything that restricts movement of the human form.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

5 Tips for How to Write a Book Like a Mother Flippin' Genius

So. I'm back in the grand ole USA.

Fun fact - I just received my marks for the chunk of manuscript I finished at my MA program and though I still have no idea how the UK grading system works, I'm told it was a very good mark! And that I maybe probably definitely have way too much cursing and that my leading lady is "bolshie."
FUNNER FACT - "Bolshie" is, according to Google, (of a person or attitude) deliberately combative or uncooperative."policemen with bolshie attitudes"
I assume it had something to do with a Bolshevik. Which I guess it kind of does, but whatever. Anyway, I'm takin' it as a compliment.

I learned a lot. I'm gonna share some garbage.

Here are some tips for how to write your book like a mother flippin' genius:

1) Start your story later than you think.
I've restarted my manuscript many times -- each time moving further into the actual plot. This is great! Usually I find it's because I spend a page or two 'warming up.' What I write here is a lot more telling than showing, but despite all that telling, doesn't include dialogue. This is dumb, because dialogue is what I'm good at. Do what you're good at right up front.

2) Do more of the showing and less of the telling.
Show your reader who your character is. Don't say she's an evil idiot (you know, instead of a genius, cause how come all evil people are geniuses? I'm basically a genius - OBVIOUSLY - and I'm not entirely evil, so you know, who knows anything at all, you know?) who's always crapping up her stupid experiments and then give us a laundry list of her failed endeavors. Show readers a vignette or two of Griselda the Idiot screwing up.

Think about the movies! Would you rather watch two characters talk about the time they tamed two bears and rode them from Alaska to Mexico City or would you rather see it? I mean, if it was like Werner Herzog and Christopher Walken I'd want it both ways, but you get the picture.

3) Share your work with others.
I ain't sayin' to share your every turd-gem all the time. But have people read what you're writing occasionally. If people are confused by what they're reading, that's bad. If people had an emotional reaction like laughing or crying or eating a second lunch, that's good! You're already a big brave bear for writing some junk in the first place, so use those newly grown claws to rip a hole through your blankets of fear and insecurity and share your wonder with the world! Make Cookie Monster proud! SHARE YOUR WRITING COOKIES! EXCLAMATION POINTS!

4) Use spellcheck.
I am an excellent speller. And I still use spellcheck. Don't ignore that little red squiggly line. And don't turn it off. It's there for a reason. It's not there for it's health. It's there to save you from yourself.
Treat spellcheck like it's your gosh-darned Wonderwall.

5) Say 'maybe' more often
What I mean is, if someone reads a scene in your story and says, "I think it would be better if Mrs. Hamsleeves didn't scream at Mr. Hamsleeves but instead threw their baby out the window to show how angry she is and then says 'oopsy baby!'" don't just say no. It's a terrible idea, but say something stupid like "I'll think about it!" This shows you have a good attitude.
And if someone has an okay idea that you're not sure about, like "I think the horse should be led to water and then drink some," say "Maybe!" And even if you don't like it, if it's not a horrible idea, TRY IT! Why not? By saying "Maybe" you look super good and are fresh and open to the world like a newborn baby on mother-effin' parade. You may even make your story better.
By saying "No. The story is MY story and no other story will be told EVER and your suggestions are terrible because of REASONS," you look like a stubborn, turd-brained newborn baby who isn't on parade, but is instead on a log flume he or she is definitely not tall enough to ride.

But if you really do hate listening to other people say anything at all about your work and just wanna do your own thing entirely, which I think is not at all genius-level thinking but honestly do whatever the flip you want, it's your ham sandwich of a life, just pretend to be slightly more agreeable on the outside. Out loud, be all like, "Maybe, dudette." And in your head just be like, "Eff that crap hurricane of a suggestion up the wiz-wang. Imma do my own thang." So you still look good. It's all about lookin' good.

That's 5 tips and 5 is a fantastic number so that's all for now, folks.
High five, everybody. High. Five.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Not Succeeding Yet

So I didn't complete NaNoWriMo. Big floppily doo.
Some might say this is a failure and maybe to some other people they're right. To me I think not. I managed to write around 17000 words or some such large number. That's pretty darn good considering. Not even considering! Scratch that. It's just pretty darn good.

Sure, I had lots of other things to work on but I could've probably finished my NaNo-ing if I had prioritized it. But I didn't and that's a-okay! What's the point in getting down on yourself? No point, pals. I celebrate my other accomplishments. And me accomplishing other things doesn't make it okay that I didn't win NaNo, but it's a part of being a human, buds. And if you still have things to celebrate what's the point on pooping in your own hand and forcing yourself to take a whiff?
No point, pals. Don't be the poo-brain to your own horse, guys.

Sometimes it takes longer to succeed at things. So I don't particularly think you should ever say you failed at something when it's something you have time to finish or fix or succeed at in whatever way that means.

Like it's like a big floppily doo I only have liiike 9 more months to make it onto a 30 Under 30 list, which would be nice and all but who really cares. I want to feel like it's more like I have 9 months to do several awesome things that make me a soaring eagle in the sky of my life. And then when the time has passed to be one of 30 under 30 I get the chance to be 100 under 100 or I get the chance to just say all those lists can suck my butt. Anyway. The point is all you can do is take a step towards earning your eagle's wings and fly like the big bald bird you are.
For example, I just signed up for a one-day class on how to do a one person show since one of my life goals is to perform at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and it's cheaper to send me and a flashlight and a pack of gum (or whatever dumb props I need) than a fleet of people. So this is a step towards getting me my eagle's wings! Though at the end of the day it'd be awesome to take a troupe of folks to perform with, and in that event, having the skills of knowing how to throw together a coherent show is pretty darn tootin' good. OR I could set up a troupe to perform like 5 one-man shows all at once in turn as our one big show. So really it'd be like a one-man show explosion that morphs into a play that morphs into a singalong. See how the crazy ideas are already flowin? From craziness comes geniusness.
Are one-persons shows ridiculous? Sometimes. And that's kinda why they're awesome. I remember seeing a one-man show of this dude going through Tennessee Williams life and I may have wanted to die the whole time. But what about me as Tennessee Williams? Or Mark Twain? Or Charles Dickens? I know basically nothing about their lives and am not an old man. So I'm thinking me making up history and dressing up like various old men would be hilarious.
Just imagine me as this old fart with a pipe, in in a white suit, a snowy wig made of pipe cleaners to match.
I could teach the world the real history of the pipe and the white suit. What more does the world need?

Another thing I'm not succeeding at yet? Living abroad. I don't think I've taken full advantage of crap and even though it's expensive and there is a level of guilt inherent in my presence there and money and whatnot - I think it's time to fart that into oblivion. I think I'm messing it up.
I mean, I don't really know exactly what I want. And I'm hoping to live my imaginary future. But for now I can only take my tiddly steps towards that. And, like I said, I think I'm messing it up.

Like Andy-Sachs-Devil-Wears-Prada messing it up style. I need me the Chanel boots and to say things like "She's not in but I'll leave word." Except instead I think I'll just keep my new practical moto-type rain boots that make me feel like kicking in doors and instead of taking messages for idiots I'll say things like "Keep the change" when there's no change to keep. And take the UK and Europe by it's overpriced saggy bananas.

And I know I'm in a Master's program that I'm loving and moving towards my imaginary future and all that. But I'm also still worried about when the Master's is over what the heck I'm gonna do. What's in my guts?
I just watched a movie about Keira Knightley playing a Master's-having-yet-dissatisfied-with-possible-future loner, so my goal is to figure out how to get a motor in my boat by graduation. 

And while Keira didn't actually figure everything out by the end of her movie, she did teach me if all else fails I can find a lonely yet attractive lawyer who's not really lawyer-y, with a teenage daughter who also likes me who'll let me move in with him.

But. Failing at that. Or rather. Not succeeding at that. My new immediate first step before returning to school:

Taking one-person show class and then signing up to perform one! That's all there is. There isn't anymore.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

NaNoWriMo Writin' Mo' Problems!

I am doing NaNoWriMo this year. Why this year and not all other years? I tried it once before. If 'tried' means more like thought about it really hard, started, quickly fell behind, missed a day, then two, and gave up. But this year is MY YEAR.

I mean, technically every year is my year. But saying 'this year is MY YEAR' makes it sound way more important. And if you put something on the internet it means you HAVE to do it.

So as long as I'm here I figured why not compile my NaNoWriMo checklist of things to do/that I've done/I will do in this month of madness:

1) Wake up and eat food.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) Watch and/or read and/or listen to something that fits in the theme of the story I'm writing. So. Something like:

You know. Awsome. 

4) Pick a playlist. The other day I wrote to this. Personally, I can't really deal with it when the music has lyrics. If you can...

I just write and write and if I absolutely have to look something up I'll give myself only 5 minutes to do it. Put on a timer and when it boops I have to jump out of the rabbit hole and get back to biznitch. So far that's been more than enough time. And you can always just write some lame placeholder and change it after you've written your whole dang book.

NO CAKE. Fun tip: Use cake rage to fuel writing fire.

This seems like madness. But when the eating starts, the mind starts wandering, and then somehow I look up and suddenly an episode of 'Castle' is on. But so far every day I've just written for about an hour and a half or two each run, and I make sure I'm full of food before I start. 

7) When you finish for the day, reward yourself. 
Treat yo self to a dancesplosion, a food party, a TVsplosion, a big bubble bath party, a Netflixsplosion, or somethin;. Obviously you can't do something huge everyday. But whatever.  UNLESS.

Everyday you complete your goal, throw 5 bucks in a jar. At the end of the month, spend your 'Well Done' money on a fancy fancy treat.  

8) If you miss a day? DON'T. Don't do it.
If you have to? If writing double the next day freaks you out, just divide up the word count you missed into like 4 or 5 days and tack those onto the next few days. So if you wanted to write 2000 a day and missed a day, split it into five sets of 400 and add an extra 400 to each of the next days. Not so bad that way. But you should know you're a total loser. 
Just kidding. No, I'm not. I am. I might not be.

9) Add a ninth thing to your list of things to almost get to 10. OH. Got one. Find some friends to do it, too. 
It'll be motivating and competitive and garbage.

10) Ugh. Need a tenth thing. Hm. Uh. How about just finish? Yeah. 
This is all basically useless if I don't finish. This would just be an embarrassing and horrible blog post helpful to not a single soul if none of this crap works. Looking forward to the big finish and when I'm done so I get to celebrate big time, like this kid: