Thursday, December 24, 2009

MERRY C-MAS!

IT'S HERE!

ooh la la


NOTE - If you want to dress up in a costume-like outfit, but you're scared...don't be!  Most people are wearing costumes most of the time anyway!  Pretending those are their real clothes - but what is life and being sociable if not one giant costume party masquerade ball Under the Sea dance??  At least your costume will probably be more fun.  And mine will definitely be more fun!!
HOT TIP - If you want many Gaga concert-goers to take your picture, wear a Gaga-like outfit.

"Don't be fooled by my name.  In real life,  I'm very big."

You know what was a shame?  I'll tell you if you don't!  Cary Elwes and his aging.  What happened to that guy!?  I'll tell you what!  A facial external implosion.

A Facial External Implosion, or FEI, is most commonly found in males and is a phenomenon in which it seems as though a marshmallow is rapidly expanding in their heads making their faces all squishy and saggy yet still puffy somehow.
I don't like it.  It makes me unhappy.  But Cary was in Robin Hood: Men in Tights, among many other wonderful things.  At least we have our memories.

And, of course, the inimitable, Latrine.

PS C-mas Holiday Special coming tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

CUTE ANIMAL REPORT

How come none of you jerks ever told me how cute red pandas are??

If I had known I would've immediately begun to formulate some sort of plan to kidnap one!  Or at least look more like one.  We can learn a lot from the red panda.  Firstly, it is not a panda!  And neither am I!  And neither are you!  So we have that in common.  
Unless you are a red panda, in which case, either a) look out behind you cause I'm about to red pandanap you, or b) don't look out because I cannot move as I am too stunned and amazed that a red panda could have the ingenuity and knowhow needed to get to and then operate a computer.   

Anyway, back to our commonalities.  We both love chewing on leaves.  See! 




Did I say leaves?  I think I meant an iPod.  In my case.  We're both very expressive.

And, most importantly, we both have long and luxurious tails.  And love secrets!

You can also call it these things:
Fire Cat, Common Panda, Fox Bear, Red Cat, Himalayan Raccoon, Cokoloaca Pigara, Gambawarella, Crimson Ngo, Sankam, Thokya, Wokdonka.


You can call me a few of those things, too. If you wanted to.  I'd like best to be a Wokdona or a Cokoloaca Pigara.  Kind of reminds me of Willy Wonka and Coca Cola.  Or Coco Rocha.


Look at Coco go!


Sunday, December 13, 2009

it's coming!

It's almost TIME.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

C-MAS! + food glorious food

NOTE - C-MAS IS SOON!
HOT TIP - WATCH THIS VIDEO!
video
So, a Special C-mas Special Holiday Video is coming soon and I've been inspired to do another round of cooking! Something like

Nigella! Who wouldn't want to cook like Nigella?? The NY Times described her-
"Lawson, of course, also fits the part: everything about her looks ripe, from her brown eyes to her full lips to her breasts, which are accentuated by tight sweaters. Lawson's sexy roundness -- at 41, she edged out Rob Lowe for the most beautiful TV personality, according to The Daily Express -- mixed with her speed-demon technique, makes cooking dinner with Nigella look like a prelude to an orgy."

She edged out Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe! Rob Lowe?? He's so beautiful though!
Oops! Maybe I was thinking of Dana Carvey.

Probably. This just in! British people are DUMB! Apparently, Nigella's book was written with sentences that were too long for readers to follow. STUPIDS!

I wouldn't worry about them if I was Nigella. She has her snacks to keep her warm.

This next lady has a cookery book, too!
Who is it?? Guess!

You guessed correctly! It's Sophie Dahl, Roald Dahl's granddaughter! She doesn't have any video clips or her cooking but she is naked in that perfume ad and her grandfather did write a buttload of really great stories and books! What did you ever do? I'll tell you what you didn't! That's appear naked in an ad for perfume, write a cookery book, and have one of the most wonderful writers ever for a grandfather!! That's what you didn't do! What did you do? Maybe, probably not, but maybe, had a grandfather with a dog. But Roald? He didn't have one. Not one. Anyone can have one dog! But, TWO?? Roald Dahl had two. SHAZAM!
At least two! Probably. I don't know much about his personal life. But it seems he would have at least two, some cats thrown in there, and some kooky animals like flying squirrels. KABAM!

In the spirit of C-mas, I recommend eating some of these

While wearing this enormous bow
Coming soon after the special C-mas holiday video special, I'll be bringing you one of my old Classic Cooking Adventures, with VIDEO. HOT TIPS coming soon!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

the cage of confidence



It is no secret that I love Harrison. I would follow him to the moon and back! Actually, I wouldn't follow him. Since that'd be a creep thing to do. I would go with him if he invited me to join him on his journey to the moon and back! And not just because I'd get to go to the moon. Probably that'd be the last reason I'd join him - I'm scared to go to the moon. Have you seen those space movies? They scare the hot chocolate right out my nose. Especially that movie Sunshine.

And Cillian's crazy eyes weren't even the scariest part!  I actually don't even really remember if it was that scary or if that's just my impression of it.  
NOTE - Impressions are important, like first impressions.  Like when Tess meets Jack!  "Who??  What??  I don't know what you're talking about," you say.  So angrily.   Calm down!  From Working Girl, of course.  Starring the man of my dreams.

HOT TIP - First impressions are important!   So, when you think about yourself and what's great about you and come up empty, I have an easy solution - lie!!  To yourself or to those you meet.  Tess, for example, cut off her lustrous mounds of blonde candy floss hair, essentially steals a dress, and is under the influence of DRUGS!  Meanwhile, Jack just lies!  A match made in heaven!


NEW FEATURE 
SMART CHOICES
In Smart Choices, I will give you an option for living that would be a smart choice to make.  It could be a thing to buy or eat or smell or any sort of verb really!  
This week, for the LADIES-
If you are an aggressive business woman looking to solidify how serious you are, this is a good choice

Tess chose a dress with rhinestones - this is a good idea to get the attention of the crowd, but what do you do once you have it??  This dress, with the kooky sleeves of a cage, will make people feel they are in your cage.  The Cage of CONFIDENCE.  People will be impressed and scared!  You'll look like a real working girl! 
WARNING - Never buy a shirt that looks dirty or looks like it has blood on it.  People will think you're a hobo and will also wonder about the blood!  From where did it come??  WHERE?  If you're a lady, you know what that means!  And if you're a man, I don't know what you're thinking, since I'm strictly a female female.

See.  This is ugly and dumb.  And you're not.  And if you are...well...just because you're ugly and dumb,  doesn't mean your dumpy t-shirt has to be, too.
If you have no other shirt, I have a solution.  Go topless!  Sort of.  Do it like Isabella.  The right way.




So throw out your dirty, bloody shirts and invest in an enormous necklace!  It looks great!  


Now, back to the jimmies on my sundae: Harrison.  Gentleman & Ladies, take a page from Harrison's book.  Or many pages.  

NOTE - Be a friend to the environment.
HOT TIP - GENTLEMEN, don't wax your chests.  Ever.  If you're really hairy like a hamster or a lamb, work with it.  Perhaps a chest hair topiary?  Not to say to let it grow long and wild like Merlin's beard, but don't wax it.  The reasons should be obvious enough, and if they're not to you, you have my pity.
ADDITIONAL NOTE - You can wax your chest if you're making a point.  Like Harrison.



Thursday, November 26, 2009

s-e-r-i-o-u-s


Here is how they made sound effects for radio plays!  I would be the girl on the far right.  My name would be something old-fashioned, like Merla or Quotidienne.  I would live in a kooky boarding house with a bunch of other girls, who also worked on radio plays, and we would sneak in gentlemen at night - since our house mistress, Thavis Millgrue, would disapprove of anything involving the opposite sex.  Most firmly she would oppose dancing and working on radio plays with them.


What she wouldn't know is that my best friend Binny Mocket's fiance, Wolfsbane, had been living in the building the whole time.  Disguised as a woman!  At least we'd all feel pretty sure it was a man disguised as a woman.  At least that's what Wolfsbane said.  But only time would tell.



I used to love this commercial when I'd go to the movies.  They are having so much fun!  I want to have that much fun.  Oh.  WAIT.  I already do!  SCROLL DOWN TO SEE HOW and WHY!!  Or just keep reading.  Because it's really not even necessary to scroll.  

SEE.
video
Here's how I make fart sounds with my mouth! If I was working on a radio play, they'd probably have somebody actually fart if it called for a fart. So I would get fired. UNLESS, I devised a sort of mask to wear over my mouth in order to hide where the sound was erupting from. Then, I would trail a tube from my mouth, down into my turtleneck, right through to the area from where such a noise should be emanating. Yes, indeed. That's what I would do if I worked on a radio play. There is nothing to be ashamed about when farting or making fart sounds with your mouth. Of what you should feel truly shameful is an actual fart emerging from your mouth.

Now, in discussing this posting with a live human it was pointed out that farting with one's mouth might seem strange. Weird. Gross. And showing everybody how I do it would increase all those qualities. I don't think so. It's as natural as the day is long, as long as the nose on your face, as natural as stems spring flowers & as spring flings summer. Everybody does it. Including Martha and Isabella. The Dream Team.

What's not natural is a baby dressed as a turkey. But for the spirit of Thanksgiving

This post was brought to you by a deliciously pasty Martha Stewart and some smiling idiot.

Don't worry - there are going to be post-Thanksgiving HOT TIPS.  I know you were worried.  So don't be!  

You all just wait on your little cat feet!  With your little cat faces!  And you will get the fish that you so deserve!  Or whatever cats eat...nip. Catnip?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

orpah's favorite things!

Here is my weekly favorite thing!!  This week
MARSHMALLOWS!

What is so magical about a marshmallow?  EVERYTHING!  Marshmallows make everything better.  Be it film, cartoon or even real life!  You can melt them, microwave them, eat them, not eat them, pet them, poke them and more!

And who would the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man be without marshallows?  Just a man!  And why settle for a man when you can have a man made of marshmallows?  He'd probably expel a substance akin to marshmallow fluff from at least one of his orifices.

And he does!  Imagine if this white stuff came out of a non-marshmallow man!  You wouldn't want that on you!  Would you??  I wouldn't.  No thanks.  PASS.  But the fluff of a marshmallow man?  Heap it on!!

And let's talk campfires - without marshmallows what would they be??  WEIRD.  That's what.

I want nothing more than to feel like a small yellow bird or a dog with black ears when I sit around the old campfire with a stick and a marshmallow.  And I can't feel like a bird or a dog without a marshmallow.  Without that marshmallow I'm just a girl standing in front of a fire asking it to love me.  While I hold a stick.  I wouldn't love me without a marshmallow.  And I wouldn't love me just holding a stick.


NOTE - You have to love yourself before someone can love you, so get get yourself a marshmallow so you can start.  Unless you are unsightly in terms of weight or face, then you should probably lay off the marshmallows and just lay prostrate on the floor, waiting for the sweet release of death and/or a nap.  Also, that first sentence of this note isn't really true.  Plenty and most people hate themselves and other people love them anyway!  Just look at this guy

Just kidding.  That's a girl.  And she loves herself.  Because she should.  She is precious.
 
You, reader, on the other hand, should, maybe, possibly, and, probably, reevaluate your self.
HOT TIP - Ladies, when trying to land the man of your dreams, make sure a marshmallow is on the end of your stick, if you know what I mean.  I mean, no one wants to buy the whorehouse if it's full of empty sticks!  You want a whore on every stick in the place!  If you're buying that house.  Whores on sticks.


And you know what else is improved by marshmallows??  ANIMALS.

Imagine if you came home and your dog was turned to marshmallows.  He would never shed, he'd smell fantastic and he would taste delicious.  And he would most likely poop marshmallows!


This just in!  Orpah is leaving ABC!  She's making her own network, called OWN.  Orpah is super excited about this.

Not as excited about Tyra and vaseline though.  Nobody's excited as that.