Thursday, November 26, 2009

s-e-r-i-o-u-s


Here is how they made sound effects for radio plays!  I would be the girl on the far right.  My name would be something old-fashioned, like Merla or Quotidienne.  I would live in a kooky boarding house with a bunch of other girls, who also worked on radio plays, and we would sneak in gentlemen at night - since our house mistress, Thavis Millgrue, would disapprove of anything involving the opposite sex.  Most firmly she would oppose dancing and working on radio plays with them.


What she wouldn't know is that my best friend Binny Mocket's fiance, Wolfsbane, had been living in the building the whole time.  Disguised as a woman!  At least we'd all feel pretty sure it was a man disguised as a woman.  At least that's what Wolfsbane said.  But only time would tell.



I used to love this commercial when I'd go to the movies.  They are having so much fun!  I want to have that much fun.  Oh.  WAIT.  I already do!  SCROLL DOWN TO SEE HOW and WHY!!  Or just keep reading.  Because it's really not even necessary to scroll.  

SEE.
video
Here's how I make fart sounds with my mouth! If I was working on a radio play, they'd probably have somebody actually fart if it called for a fart. So I would get fired. UNLESS, I devised a sort of mask to wear over my mouth in order to hide where the sound was erupting from. Then, I would trail a tube from my mouth, down into my turtleneck, right through to the area from where such a noise should be emanating. Yes, indeed. That's what I would do if I worked on a radio play. There is nothing to be ashamed about when farting or making fart sounds with your mouth. Of what you should feel truly shameful is an actual fart emerging from your mouth.

Now, in discussing this posting with a live human it was pointed out that farting with one's mouth might seem strange. Weird. Gross. And showing everybody how I do it would increase all those qualities. I don't think so. It's as natural as the day is long, as long as the nose on your face, as natural as stems spring flowers & as spring flings summer. Everybody does it. Including Martha and Isabella. The Dream Team.

What's not natural is a baby dressed as a turkey. But for the spirit of Thanksgiving

This post was brought to you by a deliciously pasty Martha Stewart and some smiling idiot.

Don't worry - there are going to be post-Thanksgiving HOT TIPS.  I know you were worried.  So don't be!  

You all just wait on your little cat feet!  With your little cat faces!  And you will get the fish that you so deserve!  Or whatever cats eat...nip. Catnip?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

orpah's favorite things!

Here is my weekly favorite thing!!  This week
MARSHMALLOWS!

What is so magical about a marshmallow?  EVERYTHING!  Marshmallows make everything better.  Be it film, cartoon or even real life!  You can melt them, microwave them, eat them, not eat them, pet them, poke them and more!

And who would the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man be without marshallows?  Just a man!  And why settle for a man when you can have a man made of marshmallows?  He'd probably expel a substance akin to marshmallow fluff from at least one of his orifices.

And he does!  Imagine if this white stuff came out of a non-marshmallow man!  You wouldn't want that on you!  Would you??  I wouldn't.  No thanks.  PASS.  But the fluff of a marshmallow man?  Heap it on!!

And let's talk campfires - without marshmallows what would they be??  WEIRD.  That's what.

I want nothing more than to feel like a small yellow bird or a dog with black ears when I sit around the old campfire with a stick and a marshmallow.  And I can't feel like a bird or a dog without a marshmallow.  Without that marshmallow I'm just a girl standing in front of a fire asking it to love me.  While I hold a stick.  I wouldn't love me without a marshmallow.  And I wouldn't love me just holding a stick.


NOTE - You have to love yourself before someone can love you, so get get yourself a marshmallow so you can start.  Unless you are unsightly in terms of weight or face, then you should probably lay off the marshmallows and just lay prostrate on the floor, waiting for the sweet release of death and/or a nap.  Also, that first sentence of this note isn't really true.  Plenty and most people hate themselves and other people love them anyway!  Just look at this guy

Just kidding.  That's a girl.  And she loves herself.  Because she should.  She is precious.
 
You, reader, on the other hand, should, maybe, possibly, and, probably, reevaluate your self.
HOT TIP - Ladies, when trying to land the man of your dreams, make sure a marshmallow is on the end of your stick, if you know what I mean.  I mean, no one wants to buy the whorehouse if it's full of empty sticks!  You want a whore on every stick in the place!  If you're buying that house.  Whores on sticks.


And you know what else is improved by marshmallows??  ANIMALS.

Imagine if you came home and your dog was turned to marshmallows.  He would never shed, he'd smell fantastic and he would taste delicious.  And he would most likely poop marshmallows!


This just in!  Orpah is leaving ABC!  She's making her own network, called OWN.  Orpah is super excited about this.

Not as excited about Tyra and vaseline though.  Nobody's excited as that.



Monday, November 16, 2009

Daisies + personal living tips

HOT living tips from FILM-

NOTE - my personal butt would make a fantastic pillow.  
HOT TIP - To make yourself more attractive to the opposite gender, make sure your butt is as pillowy as possible.  If this is not a genetic gift, like some of us fortunate souls possess, the make believe!  With maybe BUTT PADS

WOW POP!  is right!  Ladies and gents, you don't want a butt that is Zzz, do you???  You want a butt that is MMM!!!  And, also, you want some balloons.

NOTE - Always keep extra food in or around your bed, in case of unexpected company!  Or, more importantly, for yourself.  Snacks are important.  If company is uninvited, they should be ejected from your personal space as quickly as possible.
HOT TIP - When selecting bedfellow bed foods, avoid the following

I once spilled pickle juice on my bed.  The ramifications were serious.  I was forced to clean my sheets and bedspread.  Not only environmentally unfriendly as the waste of water goes, but a taxing exercise when you live in an apartment building with a sweaty laundry room.  It left me behaviorally unseemly and unhappy in emotion.  So, no pickles allowed in bed, ladies and gents. Also, never live in an apartment.  I don't anymore and wouldn't do it again if you paid me!  Unless maybe that payment was in snacks.  Or lots of money.

NOTE - Always cover yourself in your offending areas if standing nude in a corner with a garland of flowers on top of your head.  It's called MYSTERY!  Leave something to the imagination!  Why buy the brothel when you get the whores for free!?!?!?
HOT TIP - Never use butterflies, living or dead, to cover these areas.  Butterflies are terrifying!  They fly erratically and can maybe fly into your hair and you would have technicolor butterfly slime stuck in your hair and that would be too much for you and you could faint and hit your head on something and that could get serious.  Instead

Cover your entire body in newspaper and twine.  Never was any girl so popular as the one who showed up to the party dressed in newspaper and twine.

Why, she's the belle of the ball!  Boy, are all the other girls at the party angry!!  

One girl was so angry that she left alone (without a ride), went home and baked something, went to bed after playing with her Oscar and then rode her bike accompanied by her only friend, a neighborhood dog she kidnapped.  And you know why?  I think we can all safely say you do.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Isabella Isamazing!!!!!

I'd heard about it and never watched it and I just did!  I just saw her Green Porno things on the Sundance Channel website. I've watched season 1 so far and it's one of the most wonderful things in the whole wide world!

Things One Can Learn from Isabella:
1) Just because your mother won three oscars doesn't mean you can't one day frolic on television in oversized animal costumes while educating the world and simulating animal and bug sex.

WAIT - HOLD THE PRESSES - NEWSFLASH -
Isabella Rossellini has a twin??  That's just crazy.

I'm glad I don't have a twin.  But if I did have a twin I think we'd have to dress alike or at least similarly. In matching outfits such as these

while skating like that.  We'd be expensive twins, since we'd be figure skaters.  We'd have expensive tastes.  Or at least we'd learn to move in synchronization at all times.  At the very least!  Like this

Or at least, at the very very least, we would wear the same outfits in different colors.  Like almost exactly the same dress.  Like this

or dress exactly exactly the same

My twin and I would gain tons of weight, but not in our legs - from all the figure skating.  I'd always be the one on the left.  We'd have names that should be pet names - like Hobo and Bean!  I'd be Bean!  If I were a puppy, I'd be this one

Maybe.  What was I talking about?  Oh, right.  This woman

When I grow up, I wanna be.  Just like her.  BEE JUST LIKE HER.

BEE.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Friday, November 6, 2009

mooses, meeses - i want a moose that lays gold eggs for easter


I knew moose were huge.  But this moose is out of control.  That man might be old and, therefore, more shrunken than an average man, but look how big it is!  And how useful!  Giant people aren't even that useful - and I'm including basketball players and those big fat people who just look fat but are actually really strong and do super-useful things like tipping over logs and dragging planes with their teeth and whatnot.

This dog, named Moose, is enormous!  His whole butt wouldn't even fit on a scale!!  That's too large.

HOT TIP: If your butt doesn't fit on a scale -
CORRECTION: If any part of your body can't fit on the scale, you are too large.  Remedy this problem.

Monday, November 2, 2009

fantastic!


“I’d like to do a movie in space.  If possible I would like to try to actually shoot some of it on location in space. That’s my preference.”
So he said to Access Hollywood.  And if saying something - no, ANYTHING - to Access Hollywood isn't fantastic, I don't know what is!