Saturday, February 13, 2010

'spectin' spectacles

Where are her spectacles??  And how come we never see spectacles on the cover of Vogue?  Not that I wear my spectacles in public, even.  But I have reasons.  One - they are broken and sit lopsided on my head and Two - they give me a headache because they are lopsided and I have to  pinch my nose and eye muscles hard to keep the glasses on my face.  Also, when it rains you can't see and then you come inside and the glasses fog up and people giggle and giggle and you are lost in a grey haze - so you join in with their giggling and they're probably pointing at you in your fog, so you point at yourself, too.  Then your giggling turns to tittering and as the fog melts from your lenses you realize everyone has stopped giggling and is just watching you tittering and pointing at yourself, and also you're probably a little sweaty from all the built up energy from all the giggling and pointing and tittering.  Another thing, people want to try on your glasses all the time and it's like, I don't come up to you and say, "HEY!  Gimme your hair.  HEY.  Gimme your shirt.  PANTS."  And then pull off your hair, shirt and pants.  I simply don't do it.  I never have.  And I never will.  So don't do that to my glasses - the equivalent of hair, shirt and pants for your face.  Anyways...  

Tina always has her glasses.   Almost always.  Everyone does glasses!
Tyra does it on television.
Chloe "My Foot Is My Face" Sevigny does it with eyes on her bosom!
Scarlett Jobobo does it with bared teeth and pomped hair!
Cate does it while contrasting colors of what's on her body with that which she has bespectacled her face!
Amy Sedaris does it while dressed like a Dumposaurus.  
NOTE - The Dumposaurus is the dumpiest of all dinosaurs.
HOT TIP - Being dressed like a dump isn't defined by the wearing of spectacles.  However, it is worsened by it.  
So, Tina, get your glasses back on your face!!
No!!  Not in your mouth -
No!  Don't not wear them and look like your former unfamous self!  And STOP SQUATTING!  Yuck. Nobody ever got anywhere by squatting.  Except for squatters.  But that's a different thing entirely and a lot less like crouching in an unattractive fashion.
No.  Nobody needs to see you present your bottom.
Yahoo!  Wait.  Where's your glasses?  And your pants??  

NOTE - Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
HOT TIP - Men might make passes at girls who don't wear pants while wearing glasses.  And also wear tape over their defining bosomly characteristics.  And also look like you're bleeding and crying.  Then again, men might not make passes at those sorts of girls.  I'm not some sort of man expert.  I'm not a scientist.

If I were a scientist, I would want to maybe study:
Because who doesn't love feeling really tiny?

WAIT.  On that Vogue Cover I just noticed it says "Blake Lively American Style Idol.  Really?
What did I say about pants!?!?  That I didn't know whether you should wear them or not, that's what!  But you shouldn't wear the same outfit as Tina Fey if you're a so-called Style Idol.  And just because your cucarachas are hanging out all the time, it doesn't make you an idol.  Anyone can leave their choochachas on display all the time.  Except men.  Probably - again, I'm no expert.  But a green jumpsuit, yes.  YES, BLAKE.  Now I'm getting on board the Party Train.  Or at least I'll consider buying a ticket at the Party Station, departing for Party Town in an hour.  You know who's not joining the Party Train?  You know who doesn't even know where the Party Station is?  You know who doesn't have the money to buy a ticket to Party Town, because she clearly doesn't have the money to buy a mirror? - ZING!!!!!!!  
The expression on her pants says it all.

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