Tuesday, March 9, 2010

sheer terrors

Tiny bugs terrify me.  Large bugs terrify me.  Butterflies terrify me.  Oh, dear stars in heaven.  I just tried to brave my terror to find a picture of a pretty butterfly.  It was too much for my weak heart.  Here is a kind of butterfly I like and love - a bread-and-butterfly
These were always adorable.  What was not adorable was the large and horrifying insect that drove me from my bedroom the other night.  It was tiny yet enormous.  And people shouldn't tell me not to be scared of such small things.  People are afraid of smaller things all the time!  Like their imaginations!  Or an army of super-tiny babies who can all crawl.  Just imagine hundreds of them.  That creeps me out just thinking about it.  Or ghosts - they don't even have a size since they're immaterial and you can't measure immateriality!  Anyway.  The point is - I always really liked the bread-and-butterflies.

You know who's a cool lady???  I DO.  Mary Blair.  She did a lot of concept art for Disney things, including the thing from which the bread-and-butterflies sprang.

There's even a book about her!

You know you've made it if someone's written a book about you.  I don't think it counts if you write a book about yourself...maybe if you used a pseudonym.  It would have to be a pretty fantastic book if you hadn't actually done anything book-worthy yet.  Although, I guess if what you do is drawing or painting or some junk you would stuff that in there and not need as much writing to fill the book up.  Or if you're a chef or a cook or you make food that would be mostly pictures and recipes, even if you weren't the one writing it.  People are pretty lazy.  So, if you really want to make someone work, you should probably make music.  Since unless they stick the sheet music in there they'd have a LOT to do.  Even if you made movies people would take the stills and fill the book with that!  Or you could something political or humanitarian or some dumb garbage - but that's a lot of work for you.  And that's not what having someone write a book about you is about.  If you wrote a book about yourself, though, you could do whatever you want.  If you do everything for yourself you could do whatever you want.  Except for those things like flying and that sort of thing.

Anyway.  Look what Amazon recommended for me:
I can imagine why.  What I cannot imagine is why this woman is exercising while topless.  That cannot possibly be comfortable.  Did she just put on the tiny pants and then just decided that it felt right to stop there?  Less is more?  And her hair is down.  I find it horrible to exercise with my hair down.  And even more horrible to be topless at the same time.  At that point why not just go naked?  That seems like a more logical thing to do.  There was an ad on craigslist for a naked yoga instructor after all.  Well, for men.  I mean a man for men.  I mean it was for a gay naked yoga studio.  Naked exercise just seems like a dangerous idea.

I do exercise tapes by this crazy lady -
Who poses on wacky carpets!  With children!
And wears denim vests and sheer tights and practically no pants while holding ballet barres!
But it's only because Gwyneth Paltrow told me to!  Look how gigantic she is!  Who wouldn't she terrify?  Behemoth.  
Well.  Orpah kind of told me to do it more.  When Gwyhemoth was on Orpah.
That's not right!!  I don't care how much Orpah laughed it's not right!  Gwyhemoth shouldn't say poo.  Or boobs.  Rude, Gwyhemoth, rude.
That's the one!!

NOTE - If you want to get on Oprah, be a rapping Gwyneth Paltrow or an exercising one.
HOT TIP - Get off your fat butt and exercise or make a rap!  I do both at the same time!  Minus the fat part.  Also, win an Oscar and marry a famous musician and have babies and name that after foods and bibles.  I'm naming my kids Wienerschnitzel and King James Version.  

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