Sunday, April 25, 2010

stuff old people like

I'm under the impression old people like LL Bean.  I like it because it makes me think of Funky Winkerbean and when Marge Simpson said,"Over here, Funky!"  And I don't really know what Funky Winkerbean is, other than a comic, so that makes me think old people like it, too.  But they probably don't.  I'm not some sort of Old People or Funky Winkerbean expert.  I know I look like one or both of those sorts of experts, but don't be fooled.  I am not.

And what are things I like with old people, you ask?  And you ask, how have I never mentioned Golden Girls?  The TIME IS NOW.  The time is here.

After Sophia was added and a pilot was shot, a character named Coco, a gay male servant was cut from the series.
I wonder where Coco would've slept - in a big box under the stairs, perhaps?  And what would he have done?  Danced with other sexy man servants?  Protected them while wearing a slim and sexy man servant supersuit?  Brought them cheesecake?  I probably wouldn't get out of bed if I had a servant to bring me cake in my bed.  Or sandwiches.  Or a servant to make me a bed that is a sandwich.
It'd be cooler if you could eat it.  Everything around us should be edible.
See Exhibit A -
And Exhibit B -

Anyway.  The Golden Girls.

CHEESECAKE.  The Golden Girls loved their cheesecake.  I love The Cheesecake Factory.  I love how they put sugar on the rim of their lemonade.  I love their crusted romano chicken.  I love how they overprice their food and why - because they can.  I was never that crazy about cheesecake.  So maybe this more turning into something about The Cheesecake Factory.  But that's life - you live it and you love it.

Okay.  So now this is turning into something about cake, perhaps.  Cake I might like.  Cake like flourless chocolate cake.  Now this Chocolate Cloud Cake by Nigella sounds wonderful.

BUT WAIT.  Who is also British and makes a cake suspiciously similar to this one and is also prone to busting out of her clothing??  Sophie.
So people are upset!  Sophie is trying to take Nigella's crown!  Her big sexy crown!  But, really, what are we upset about?  The more big sexy, the merrier.  The more flourless chocolate cake, the merrier.  But I guess Nigella has the better name for a cake, using the word cloud.  I love clouds.  Inside and near the ceiling.
So I got a little off topic.  And didn't discuss The Golden Girls as I should have.  I haven't honored them properly yet.  But it's okay.  It's always okay.  You know why?  Here's why.

i meant orpah.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

how to fend off a filthy beast

I don't know why my text in this entry is all crazy and pushing letters from certain words onto other lines. Anyway, I think we can get through this together.

Firstly and foremostly, I was watching the Soap Opera Channel - yes, indeed, the Soap Opera Channel - and a commercial came on with a clip from the year I was born (as I later discovered) that has taught me a lot about bears and bear-handling. What do you do when you meet a bear in the woods? And I hear you think, "I might think to offer a hand to shake, as one might a person. For, what is a bear but a giant human covered in a thick coat of hair who eats raw fish from a river. You wouldn't run from if you happened upon Andre the Giant if he had been covered in a thick coat of hair and holding a raw fish between his teeth, would you?" No, I wouldn't. But we must remember that bears are not beloved 
human wrestlers turned actors afflicted with gigantism.  
We must. If we do not remember that there is no hope for any of us. 

Here is what you do to get a bear to mind its business:

Watch me try it now:
I hope we've all learned an important lesson today. I sure did.
I'm sorry if you misinterpreted my post title and were hoping you were going to find out how to fend off Jennifer Aniston. I'm not quite sure how a person would do that. It seems she'll show up in any old horrible movie and date any old man with a case of FEI. FEI, I'm sure you all recall, is a Facial External Implosion. A prime example follows. Before his FEI, Vince Vaughn was this man.
Now a fat man has taken residence inside him and exploded.  Make sure to note his problem is not entirely in his largeness but in the putty-like feel his face has taken on.  His face is saggy and puffity making him look like we could mush his face around like dough.
And I don't want to mush his face around like dough.  I don't want to, yet I can't help imagining what it would be like.  Call me sick, if you will.  Or, please, call me Ishmael.  QUEEQUEG!


PS Moby Dick was almost the most boring book ever.  I haven't read all the books there are or lived forever yet, so I'll have to stick with almost.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


A dog who has never been under my bed got under my bed a few minutes ago.

My dog who never sits in my room is sitting in my room.

There's going to be an earthquake!!  The dogs know.  Things we don't.  About earthquakes.

I sure wish I had an anti-earthquake pet suit right about now.  And for $375 - it's a STEAL!!  I'd feel like a burglar - a CAT burglar - at prices like that!!

Monday, April 5, 2010

they're coming...they're here

diaper pants
may god have mercy on your souls.

the great beasts of north america

It pains me to even look at these photos to post.  But I just have to discuss

The Great Beasts of North America
If you know me in the real world, you might already know the great volumes I could write on the ugliness of the beast that is Jennifer Aniston.  Some might say, "Stop!  Don't you know talking about something only makes it more popular?"  And I'd say that I know that, but I don't care about her popularity.  I mean, I do.  But.  What's a girl to do?  At the very least what I care about is that we all collectively as a society agree how hideous she is.  But people won't say it!  Some even act like I am a nut in a giant nutbag full of nuts when I voice my opinion about her.  What is it that blinds people to her truth??  Does the common woman relate to her?  What is it about this beast that causes people not to flee in fear but to flock in admiration?  It beats me.  If we could at least all agree to see her for how she truly is, I wouldn't mind people loving her.  Love her for the ugly beast she is.  Like this.  This shaved bear.  
We can all appreciate this is an ugly and naked bear.  He's not pretty.  But we can love him like that.  For who he is.  We needn't pretend he is a great beauty.  We simply needn't.  Jennifer is like this ugly bear.  But people seem convinced she's beautiful and it is simply not reality.  They pretend to see an ugly bear and call it a beautiful jungle cat.  It's like I've taken crazy pills, supplemented by several crazy anal suppositories.

Jennifer usually has her clothes off in photo spreads to try and hide her massive jaw, nubby nose, and whatever you call those weird lines that run from her nostrils to her lips.
And that's great - what woman doesn't love leaving their top open just enough to see boob edges??  But when a woman does do that, it shouldn't be because their face can't handle the attention.  It should be because her face is just as awesome as her boob edges.
There's nothing to write home about with this face!  Or to even shake a stick about.
I'm sorry, Jennifer, but I'm not sorry.  You're no picture of allurement.  And people might say, "Hey!  Leave her alone!  Why do you hate her so much?!"  And I'd say, I don't hate her - well.  Wait.  I might hate her.  She makes terrible movies and she's so boring.  Everything about her is unremarkable and dull as mud.  She doesn't even say or do crazy things that are entertaining.  And at the very least doesn't bother to wear anything entertaining.  It boggles my brains.  She's a supremely uninteresting person put in a place of interest for no good reason and she chooses to do nothing interesting!!

There are plenty of grody plain ugly butts with butts for faces in the world.  And I don't want to see them in movies.  Even terrible movies.  

And, no, Jennifer.  Not even the mighty Orpah can save you.
And, no, Jennifer.  No, grabbing your hair and looking even worse than usual is not kooky or original.  It is sad.  Like me.  When I look at you.
Here are some cool and entertaining ladies from around the world, to wash my eyes of the first in a series of The Great Beasts of North America.
Who's up next??  It could be YOU. 

Thursday, April 1, 2010

has to be prrrty

When some people cook and then put up photos, it all has to look perfect and pretty.  But.  Guess what!  Life isn't about being perfect and pretty on the internet.  It's about being pretty and perfect in living colors!  And people want to seem all supercool and nifty - well, guess what!!  Most people are not!  But I am!  And isn't better to be things than to seem like them?  YES!  Yes, it is.

And, sometimes, I make cookies!  WATCH ME NOW!
If you're going to cook, let it be in a jumpsuit.  Jumpsuits are the future.  They are one piece of clothes you put on and BAM - you're done.  In the future all we will have is dresses and jumpsuits.  I own several clothes items that are one piece and BAM - you're done.  And sure, some might have compared me to a French clown - but who doesn't love French clowns?  And perhaps another item results in one looking like a baby, but doesn't everyone want to look younger???  I don't, particularly. 

 I'd rather look as what I am - but you just wait, I'm sure a diaper-pants fashion trend is stewing in a big pot underground from where all things fashion fester and grow.  And not like those big dumpy-crotched genie pants things.  Though those things are awful.  Why would you want it to look like your crotch had dropped a foot and a half?  What're you hiding in there?  Is it a droopity fleshy bathing suit area?  An underdeveloped third leg?  Are you planning on birthing a baby and don't want to take off your pants and also you want to have a hammock in your pants ready to cradle it when it falls out?  

Unless what you are hiding is candy or Monopoly money, I am not interested. 
Her pants seem to be sucking up into themselves.  Maybe her left crotch is the dominant one.  And it's hungry for pants.

The  orthopedic wedges are really adding that special pizazz here.

I don't even know.  You guys.  I don't even.
These are the only acceptable pants in the bunch.  LOVE IT.  Love the shoes. Stunning.  Gorgeous.  Perfection.  Gold & Blue.  A match made in heaven!

Anyway.  I mean, like diaper covers baby wear over their diapers as pants for adults.  Like bloomers, sort of.  You just wait, Henry Higgins.  Just you wait.
Speaking of Henry, he loved words.  And I just remembered at a magazine where I interned they used words like "resto" and "natch."  Those are some of my least favorite words that aren't words.  They're dumb as stumps.  Nobody really says those things.  And if you are a person who uses those things as words, you probably don't really count for much anyway.  And if you do count for something right now, you don't in the grand scheme of life.  You're living a bug's life.   

A BUG'S LIFE.  Disney's A Bug's Life.  Disney Pixar's A Bug's Life.
Stew on that.