Monday, April 5, 2010

the great beasts of north america

It pains me to even look at these photos to post.  But I just have to discuss

The Great Beasts of North America
If you know me in the real world, you might already know the great volumes I could write on the ugliness of the beast that is Jennifer Aniston.  Some might say, "Stop!  Don't you know talking about something only makes it more popular?"  And I'd say that I know that, but I don't care about her popularity.  I mean, I do.  But.  What's a girl to do?  At the very least what I care about is that we all collectively as a society agree how hideous she is.  But people won't say it!  Some even act like I am a nut in a giant nutbag full of nuts when I voice my opinion about her.  What is it that blinds people to her truth??  Does the common woman relate to her?  What is it about this beast that causes people not to flee in fear but to flock in admiration?  It beats me.  If we could at least all agree to see her for how she truly is, I wouldn't mind people loving her.  Love her for the ugly beast she is.  Like this.  This shaved bear.  
We can all appreciate this is an ugly and naked bear.  He's not pretty.  But we can love him like that.  For who he is.  We needn't pretend he is a great beauty.  We simply needn't.  Jennifer is like this ugly bear.  But people seem convinced she's beautiful and it is simply not reality.  They pretend to see an ugly bear and call it a beautiful jungle cat.  It's like I've taken crazy pills, supplemented by several crazy anal suppositories.

Jennifer usually has her clothes off in photo spreads to try and hide her massive jaw, nubby nose, and whatever you call those weird lines that run from her nostrils to her lips.
And that's great - what woman doesn't love leaving their top open just enough to see boob edges??  But when a woman does do that, it shouldn't be because their face can't handle the attention.  It should be because her face is just as awesome as her boob edges.
There's nothing to write home about with this face!  Or to even shake a stick about.
I'm sorry, Jennifer, but I'm not sorry.  You're no picture of allurement.  And people might say, "Hey!  Leave her alone!  Why do you hate her so much?!"  And I'd say, I don't hate her - well.  Wait.  I might hate her.  She makes terrible movies and she's so boring.  Everything about her is unremarkable and dull as mud.  She doesn't even say or do crazy things that are entertaining.  And at the very least doesn't bother to wear anything entertaining.  It boggles my brains.  She's a supremely uninteresting person put in a place of interest for no good reason and she chooses to do nothing interesting!!

There are plenty of grody plain ugly butts with butts for faces in the world.  And I don't want to see them in movies.  Even terrible movies.  

And, no, Jennifer.  Not even the mighty Orpah can save you.
And, no, Jennifer.  No, grabbing your hair and looking even worse than usual is not kooky or original.  It is sad.  Like me.  When I look at you.
Here are some cool and entertaining ladies from around the world, to wash my eyes of the first in a series of The Great Beasts of North America.
Who's up next??  It could be YOU. 


Kendra said...

I followed a link to your blog that Almie from apocalypstick posted on twitter. This entry was so funny because I feel the same way about Jennifer MANiston. So boring and strange looking (and not strange-in-a-good-way). Well done!

Laura said...

Thank the lords. Jennifer is the worst. Maybe. I think so, but she has close competition from another great beast to come...

Kaitlin said...

hey! that animal you call an "ugly shaved bear" is a FEMALE bear (i forget which kind) named Dolores who suffers from a disease which causes her to lose her fur :(

i read a story about it a few months ago. i felt like she deserved some explaining. i feel bad for her.

Laura said...

I may have accidentally called 'her' a 'he' but I said I loved that bear for what it is! And that's shaved (by which I now mean hairless) and ugly - but that's an A+ in my book. My book of bears.