Thursday, April 15, 2010

how to fend off a filthy beast

I don't know why my text in this entry is all crazy and pushing letters from certain words onto other lines. Anyway, I think we can get through this together.

Firstly and foremostly, I was watching the Soap Opera Channel - yes, indeed, the Soap Opera Channel - and a commercial came on with a clip from the year I was born (as I later discovered) that has taught me a lot about bears and bear-handling. What do you do when you meet a bear in the woods? And I hear you think, "I might think to offer a hand to shake, as one might a person. For, what is a bear but a giant human covered in a thick coat of hair who eats raw fish from a river. You wouldn't run from if you happened upon Andre the Giant if he had been covered in a thick coat of hair and holding a raw fish between his teeth, would you?" No, I wouldn't. But we must remember that bears are not beloved 
human wrestlers turned actors afflicted with gigantism.  
We must. If we do not remember that there is no hope for any of us. 

Here is what you do to get a bear to mind its business:

Watch me try it now:
I hope we've all learned an important lesson today. I sure did.
I'm sorry if you misinterpreted my post title and were hoping you were going to find out how to fend off Jennifer Aniston. I'm not quite sure how a person would do that. It seems she'll show up in any old horrible movie and date any old man with a case of FEI. FEI, I'm sure you all recall, is a Facial External Implosion. A prime example follows. Before his FEI, Vince Vaughn was this man.
Now a fat man has taken residence inside him and exploded.  Make sure to note his problem is not entirely in his largeness but in the putty-like feel his face has taken on.  His face is saggy and puffity making him look like we could mush his face around like dough.
And I don't want to mush his face around like dough.  I don't want to, yet I can't help imagining what it would be like.  Call me sick, if you will.  Or, please, call me Ishmael.  QUEEQUEG!


PS Moby Dick was almost the most boring book ever.  I haven't read all the books there are or lived forever yet, so I'll have to stick with almost.

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