Thursday, May 27, 2010

the great beasts of north america, vol. 2

Sarah Jessica Parker.  Three little names, so much beastliness.  People might say, "HEY!  Stop attacking people based on their appearance!  That's not okay!  That's terrible!  Who do you think you are??  What gives you the right??"  And I would think to myself what sad people these are who would speak to me so crossly.  And  then I would think to myself I think I am Laura.  And you all give me the right!  I have the right of way!  I have a driver's license.  I have a heart and some blood and two eyes that can see when they have corrective lenses!

Look what SJP did at the Oscars.
The Oscars.  Not the Oscar the Grouch's Garbage Bin of Ugly Wrinkle Pie.  Not that wrinkles are bad.  I know plenty of grand old dames.  Just look at this gorgeous old squash.

Wrinkles are the best.
HA!  Not a wrinkle in sight on tough old bird Julianne Moore.

Moreover, people think of SJP as a style icon.  If I had a tie dye cloud of tire orbiting my body maybe they would be saying that of me, as well.  And hoof boots.
And I guess she is super classy, so I shouldn't take that away from her.  It's not like she was every flashing her choochacha or flobgobblers all over the TV even though it was HBO.  She kept it classy, not even appearing nude that season she was pregnant - and if there's anytime to go nude, it's when your pregnant 'cause all bets are OFF.  
Or when she was on some awards show and showed her underboob.  Not the whole boob.  Because that's not classy.  But underboob ONLY??  That's First Class.  That's Virgin America Upper Class.
Why not just be naked at that point?  At least that' d be distracting.  And I don't hate all her clothes entirely, but the lady doesn't even dress herself probably most of the time.  So I hardly think credit should be tossed her way for that.  And then she got all upset when Maxim voted her Unsexiest Woman Alive.  Boo frickily hoo.  Apparently she said, "Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips?  No."  No, SJP, you don't.  But you don't have to have those things to be a sexy lady.  Those things do make an unsexy lady.  Except maybe if the big lips are natural.  But now who is being the judgmental turdbot??  That'd be SJP.

You know who doesn't have big fake boobs??
See!  Practically none!  And people love this crazy kook.  Gwyhemoth is also superclassy.  See her be classy wearing a metal mesh dress and see through boots.  Could you look classier than that in that outfit?  I think not.  You go, Gogo Paltrow.
And back to Julianne Moore - she's older than SJP and looks at least eight hundred times better.
And I know what y'all are thinking - anyone would look awesome standing next to Alec Baldwin.  He's a big old scary bear pudge.  But Julianne deserves way more iconicizing than SJP.  And she - OH NO - she lost her clothes!
You know who's a total prude and never loses her clothes?
That's right, SJP.  That's right.  It's you.  You're the murderer of this mystery.   And you don't even know it.  And you get mad when you find a bloody knife in one hand and a severed head in the other.  You say, "This is not my doing!  I'm not a monster!  I didn't murder this person!"  Maybe not, SJP.  But you sure killed the party.  The party of not looking like a gnarled old talking tree.
But...wait...conflicted...I love...
HOCUS POCUS an entertainer...will to judge...fading....NO...surrounded by talented ladies...
love for Bette's musical number overpowering me...

I'm too upset to continue right now.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

It Really Steams My Clams

PORTRAITS of FRIENDSHIP.  Mike Nichols is married to Diane Sawyer?  What?  Weird.  And is related to Albert Einstein? Alby Einy?  Really?  Weird?  Really weird.  What are your favorite portraits of friendship?  Just kidding - I don't really want to know.  Or do I??

I don't know why I have to discuss this now, but I do:  I've come to realize I have an enormous peeve.  It seems silly but it peeves me to no end.  And that, my friends and enemies, is when people toast with things that aren't glasses and especially with things that are food.  I was watching a TV show -- it was on a television -- and the characters toasted with chicken fingers.  And it really steamed my clams.  And another show I saw on TV, you know what they cheersed with??  They cheersed with aluminum soda cans.  How distasteful can you get?  They didn't even use that doo-tasting champagne in a can I bought one time because it came in an adorable tiny can with an adorable tiny straw. 

Just because something is adorable, doesn't mean it's delicious.  Lesson learned, my friends, lesson learned.  That probably means these would taste like the business end of a toad's bottom.

Yes, it is a kooky black penguin.  I think he and I would be great friends.  Possibly best ones.  So.  Feast your eyes on that.  FEAST! You know what was a great feast?  I DO.  That one in Hook that I guess didn't really happen.  When all the starving children and the middle aged man imagined all that food and maybe had a food fight.  I don't remember.  But what I do remember is that they didn't really get to eat anything.  And they probably all went to bed hungry.  You cannot survive eating empty promises.
And how this tubby little charmer managed to turn into a human bowling ball at the end of the film is another mystery for the ages.  People just can't roll like balls.  We are not wheels.  Or spheres made of any sort of substance.  

Anyway.  What can you possibly be happy enough to cheers about in your life if your life is not one in which you have champagne and clinkety clink glass flute glasses at your disposal?  If all you've got is cans and chicken scraps, maybe put your toasting and cheersing on hold, sisterfriends.  You've got bigger fish to fry.  I'm not saying you have to have an enormous champagne filled glass in which to bathe -- I'm not crazy.  Sitting in a tub of champagne or champagne-like liquid would probably be really unsanitary.  Plus, you'd have to drink all the champagne to drain the tub!
NOTE - Never waste champagne!!
HOT TIP - Especially if you've been stewing in it.
I'm just saying you should adopt a lifestyle in which you are, at all times, privy and holding glasses of champagne.  I mean, if you don't have enough champagne to try and feed some to a baby deer, what kind of life are you living?  Audrey knows what I'm talking about.
When you toast with things that aren't darling little flutes of champagne -- pronunciation: champaggin -- you don't get a darling little clinkety clink sounds that lets people know you are more than serious about celebrating what you're celebrating.

And wthout noises how would we know how serious things are??  People say "serious like a heart attack" or maybe it's "as" and not "like" but in any event that's just silly!  Heart attacks aren't noisy!  Some people can be alone and just die from them and then that's mostly pitiful but is that really serious? You know what is serious?  I DO -- sirens and whistles and coyote howls and dogs that howl when they hear sirens and whistles and coyote howls.  Those noises say, "HEY.  STOP.  PAY ME YOUR ATTENTION.  And you cannot cure me -- or maybe it's just slow or I don't know even really know what it does but it is something -- with Bayer aspirin!"  If Bayer aspirin is part of your solution, how bad can your problem really be?

That's all.  Except for ask me a stupid question here if you want.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


Why can't we all just dance like we used to?
Steve and Bernadette have got it going on all over the place.  They had a disco in their mansion.  They wore really nice clothes and did dance moves that required two people to execute them properly.  They are who we all want to be.  We all just want to dance.  In a disco.  In our mansions.  But the kids today don't dance like it's dancing.  They dance like they think something else is going on.  I dance like dancing is supposed to be. It should appear you are seizing a little bit and also are doing a little pretend ballet and also you should accidentally hurt somebody else who you weren't dancing with or weren't even near.  Or accidentally hurt yourself from having so much fun.  There's no better way to hurt yourself than when you're having fun.