Thursday, May 27, 2010

the great beasts of north america, vol. 2

Sarah Jessica Parker.  Three little names, so much beastliness.  People might say, "HEY!  Stop attacking people based on their appearance!  That's not okay!  That's terrible!  Who do you think you are??  What gives you the right??"  And I would think to myself what sad people these are who would speak to me so crossly.  And  then I would think to myself I think I am Laura.  And you all give me the right!  I have the right of way!  I have a driver's license.  I have a heart and some blood and two eyes that can see when they have corrective lenses!

Look what SJP did at the Oscars.
The Oscars.  Not the Oscar the Grouch's Garbage Bin of Ugly Wrinkle Pie.  Not that wrinkles are bad.  I know plenty of grand old dames.  Just look at this gorgeous old squash.

Wrinkles are the best.
HA!  Not a wrinkle in sight on tough old bird Julianne Moore.

Moreover, people think of SJP as a style icon.  If I had a tie dye cloud of tire orbiting my body maybe they would be saying that of me, as well.  And hoof boots.
And I guess she is super classy, so I shouldn't take that away from her.  It's not like she was every flashing her choochacha or flobgobblers all over the TV even though it was HBO.  She kept it classy, not even appearing nude that season she was pregnant - and if there's anytime to go nude, it's when your pregnant 'cause all bets are OFF.  
Or when she was on some awards show and showed her underboob.  Not the whole boob.  Because that's not classy.  But underboob ONLY??  That's First Class.  That's Virgin America Upper Class.
Why not just be naked at that point?  At least that' d be distracting.  And I don't hate all her clothes entirely, but the lady doesn't even dress herself probably most of the time.  So I hardly think credit should be tossed her way for that.  And then she got all upset when Maxim voted her Unsexiest Woman Alive.  Boo frickily hoo.  Apparently she said, "Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips?  No."  No, SJP, you don't.  But you don't have to have those things to be a sexy lady.  Those things do make an unsexy lady.  Except maybe if the big lips are natural.  But now who is being the judgmental turdbot??  That'd be SJP.

You know who doesn't have big fake boobs??
See!  Practically none!  And people love this crazy kook.  Gwyhemoth is also superclassy.  See her be classy wearing a metal mesh dress and see through boots.  Could you look classier than that in that outfit?  I think not.  You go, Gogo Paltrow.
And back to Julianne Moore - she's older than SJP and looks at least eight hundred times better.
And I know what y'all are thinking - anyone would look awesome standing next to Alec Baldwin.  He's a big old scary bear pudge.  But Julianne deserves way more iconicizing than SJP.  And she - OH NO - she lost her clothes!
You know who's a total prude and never loses her clothes?
That's right, SJP.  That's right.  It's you.  You're the murderer of this mystery.   And you don't even know it.  And you get mad when you find a bloody knife in one hand and a severed head in the other.  You say, "This is not my doing!  I'm not a monster!  I didn't murder this person!"  Maybe not, SJP.  But you sure killed the party.  The party of not looking like a gnarled old talking tree.
But...wait...conflicted...I love...
HOCUS POCUS an entertainer...will to judge...fading....NO...surrounded by talented ladies...
love for Bette's musical number overpowering me...

I'm too upset to continue right now.


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