Thursday, May 20, 2010

It Really Steams My Clams

PORTRAITS of FRIENDSHIP.  Mike Nichols is married to Diane Sawyer?  What?  Weird.  And is related to Albert Einstein? Alby Einy?  Really?  Weird?  Really weird.  What are your favorite portraits of friendship?  Just kidding - I don't really want to know.  Or do I??

I don't know why I have to discuss this now, but I do:  I've come to realize I have an enormous peeve.  It seems silly but it peeves me to no end.  And that, my friends and enemies, is when people toast with things that aren't glasses and especially with things that are food.  I was watching a TV show -- it was on a television -- and the characters toasted with chicken fingers.  And it really steamed my clams.  And another show I saw on TV, you know what they cheersed with??  They cheersed with aluminum soda cans.  How distasteful can you get?  They didn't even use that doo-tasting champagne in a can I bought one time because it came in an adorable tiny can with an adorable tiny straw. 

Just because something is adorable, doesn't mean it's delicious.  Lesson learned, my friends, lesson learned.  That probably means these would taste like the business end of a toad's bottom.

Yes, it is a kooky black penguin.  I think he and I would be great friends.  Possibly best ones.  So.  Feast your eyes on that.  FEAST! You know what was a great feast?  I DO.  That one in Hook that I guess didn't really happen.  When all the starving children and the middle aged man imagined all that food and maybe had a food fight.  I don't remember.  But what I do remember is that they didn't really get to eat anything.  And they probably all went to bed hungry.  You cannot survive eating empty promises.
And how this tubby little charmer managed to turn into a human bowling ball at the end of the film is another mystery for the ages.  People just can't roll like balls.  We are not wheels.  Or spheres made of any sort of substance.  

Anyway.  What can you possibly be happy enough to cheers about in your life if your life is not one in which you have champagne and clinkety clink glass flute glasses at your disposal?  If all you've got is cans and chicken scraps, maybe put your toasting and cheersing on hold, sisterfriends.  You've got bigger fish to fry.  I'm not saying you have to have an enormous champagne filled glass in which to bathe -- I'm not crazy.  Sitting in a tub of champagne or champagne-like liquid would probably be really unsanitary.  Plus, you'd have to drink all the champagne to drain the tub!
NOTE - Never waste champagne!!
HOT TIP - Especially if you've been stewing in it.
I'm just saying you should adopt a lifestyle in which you are, at all times, privy and holding glasses of champagne.  I mean, if you don't have enough champagne to try and feed some to a baby deer, what kind of life are you living?  Audrey knows what I'm talking about.
When you toast with things that aren't darling little flutes of champagne -- pronunciation: champaggin -- you don't get a darling little clinkety clink sounds that lets people know you are more than serious about celebrating what you're celebrating.

And wthout noises how would we know how serious things are??  People say "serious like a heart attack" or maybe it's "as" and not "like" but in any event that's just silly!  Heart attacks aren't noisy!  Some people can be alone and just die from them and then that's mostly pitiful but is that really serious? You know what is serious?  I DO -- sirens and whistles and coyote howls and dogs that howl when they hear sirens and whistles and coyote howls.  Those noises say, "HEY.  STOP.  PAY ME YOUR ATTENTION.  And you cannot cure me -- or maybe it's just slow or I don't know even really know what it does but it is something -- with Bayer aspirin!"  If Bayer aspirin is part of your solution, how bad can your problem really be?

That's all.  Except for ask me a stupid question here if you want.

1 comment:

apocalypstick said...

That photo of Audrey Hepburn looks like some wacky deleted scene from a college movie! What's going on??