Tuesday, June 29, 2010

so many looks

What are my two favorite things in movies and, also now that I'm thinking about it, in real life -
Makeovers.  And Dancing.
These things make everything better.  Like when someone you like but who looks totally like a dumposaurus finally realizes it and classes it up, it makes you happy.  And when everyone just wants to dance for no good reason and for all good reasons, that's wonderful!  Or even if someone you don't like gets a makeover and maybe they used to look okay but then they get bangs and you  notice how fat their face is, it makes you happy.  Or if you're dancing and you're an amazing dancer and everyone notices how great you are at it, that's wonderful!!  Plus, makeovers and dancing are signs that all is right with the world and we have the magical time to dwell on our appearances and physical expressions.  Try to find a dumptastic person to makeover, make them over and then just DANCE.  

Dance until your feet bleed and the streets run stinky with sweat.  

Here are things made better by
Makeovers and Dancing

Case 1 -
Audrey in Funny Face
Audrey Hepburn goes from a supposed total frump who can't sing at all to a glamourous woman of the world who can't sing at all.  And even though Audrey was never not adorable in that film, I still really enjoyed her makeover.  Because if there's one thing everybody loves it's seeing beautiful people get made over to be more beautiful.  And then what's better than seeing those madeover people dancing with fairly mediocre skill??  NOTHING.  That's what's better.  Nothing.

Case 2-
Mia in mostly real life and also Rosemary's Baby

This isn't exactly a makeover in a movie, except for when it sort of was in Rosemary's Baby.  But Mia had the long flat hair of a woolly mammoth then SNIPSNAPSNORUM - and so emerges a famous glamour puss who didn't wear boots.  Even if John Cassavetes does tell her she looks awful.  Or at least her haircut looks terrible.  But what does he know??  NOTHIN'!  I mean, who's going to put any stock in a man who lets the devil impregnate his wife??  Especially while she's unconscious.  Probably a few people - but not this girl!!  (I'm pointing to myself!!!)  

And if you're Mia Farrow you go on to do some pretty cool stuff, like plop on a black wig, climb on Liz Taylor's back and then just hang out.  And then you hop in the tub and guess what!  Liz Taylor's there AGAIN!  
Well, you didn't expect to climb in bed with Liz and not end up in the tub with her, did you?  You shouldn't climb in a bed with someone you wouldn't want as your bathtub bubbly time companion.  

Case 3-
Marilyn and her face and hair

Marilyn is a pretty famous example.  She fixed her face with a chop here and a paste there, snipped her hair and dyed it and then decided to lose her top and use a couch cushion as an alternative.  Who wouldn't call this gal a genius??  But you know who failed Marilyn?  Whoever decided making over Lindsay Lohan as her would be a good idea.  She looks like a flubby sad man.  An unfortunate freckly tornado of cheap wig and unsightly stub arms.  And I apologize for this photo now.
Here's Marilyn, again.  To make us all feel better.
Phew.  That was a close call.  A mixed bag.  A bag of chocolate and raisins and you just want the chocolate but you keep getting raisins.  FUN FACT - Once in 7th or 8th grade in the great outdoors I spied what I thought was a raisin on my sleeping bag.  I picked it up to examine it, but did not eat it.  I had a realization and threw it as far as my middle school arms could throw.  It was squirrel poo.  I'm like 99% sure it was squirrel poop.  But I wouldn't have eaten a raisin I found on my sleeping bag anyway.  I'm not a monster.  I just pick up squirrel poop.  Anyhow.  This is a good segway...

Now, we've seen mostly how all these makeovers are fine and dandy.  But sometimes this is not the case - i.e. Lindsay.  And this is sad.  Yes.  Sometimes, I get sad...

When good things go bad(ly.)

TO BE CONTINUED!  With a focus on dancing and failed makeovers failing us all. 

Monday, June 21, 2010

penguin in the city

**now with moving pictures!!**

A penguin with a penguin for a backpack??  Now I've seen everything.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

goats and the crying man

I was "channel surfing" when I happened to catch a moment of this television show about this gay man couple who moved from New York to run a farm.  And they have a special goat guy.  And he weeped about his goats.  It's in the middle of this clip.  It's pretty great.  See a man love some goats so much he cries here!  Now!

Just now on the show one llama looked dead on the ground, but I guess it was alive and just laying on the ground - and they thought it was sick.  One of them goes inside to call someone about it and the llama gets all better!  I guess she doesn't like that one.  The guy comes back outside and the llama lays down again and won't move.

They have decided that is just where Pokey likes to sun herself.

Sometimes some people probably shouldn't buy farms.  Probably.

Apropos to Katy my Lady

This is just darling.  In the video for the California Gurls song previously discussed, there are Gummi Bears who give Katy a lewd hand gesture.  Paw gesture?
This is not appropriate Gummi behavior.  But maybe it's because the kind of behavior that wouldn't even exist!  Read it for yourself:

"Those are definitely not Trolli Gummi bears in the video because Trolli Gummi Bears would never be that rude," says John Leonardo, senior brand manager of Farley's and Sathers (which owns Trolli).  "Trolli bears would extend their chubby little arms and give Katy a big old bear hug and whisper, 'Everything is going to be alright'." 

You hear that?  They would extend their chubby little arms and give her a bear hug.  Who wouldn't love that?  Imagine those bears were people.  Although I wouldn't want a foot tall person with chubs for arms trying to bear hug me.  Or BARE hug me.  Can you imagine!?!?
Stop imagining a polar bear and a shrieking Bjork.  Or seeing it.  Whatever.  That's not even what I wanted you to imagine.  At all.


What in the Flying Dutchman is going on in the California Gurls video?  It's about California, where I am.  But it looks like Candyland.  And she's climbing a peppermint stick that turns into a snake.  As I said, I'm in California, and it doesn't look like Candyland.  And I don't have any giant peppermint sticks or snakes to climb.  Don't some weirdos call Chutes & Ladders Snakes & Ladders?  So Katy is confusing two board games, neither of which have anything to do with California.  She mentions a popsicle at one point in the song?  Is that where she is choosing to jump into a world of candy and glitter?  Popsicles aren't even really candy.  Neither is ice cream I guess.  And Candyland is supposed to be fun and sexy but also scary?  Since she keeps freeing women trapped in candy cages?  I've spent too much time on this already.

Everything is going to be alright.  Or is it all right?  It's not left.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Life After Lost

WATCH THIS.  Please :) ;) (I just winked!  In real life!  In my room!)

Friday, June 11, 2010

kings and queenies

Sometimes, I drive places.  Sometimes, I drive and listen to music.  Sometimes, I listen to pop music.  Because it's popular.  It's so popular that you don't even need to know what they're saying. So, I'm driving along in my pop car, because it's popular and it's so popular you don't even need to know what kind it is.  Here's a CLUE
No, you morons - Tim Curry's not the clue, he's IN Clue!  Dopes.  Here's the real clue
It's LARRY DAVID!  I'm getting off topic here.  No, you piles of Boron.

I don't drive Larry David.  Though how cute would that be!?!?  Pretty darn, I'd say.  But.  Larry David is not pop music.  He's just pop.  He's a pops.  He's somebody's pops, maybe.  POPPIN' FRESH
That's the Pillsbury Doughboy's name.  Did you know he's married?  To Poppie Fresh
And there's a GrandPopper and a GranMommer
And a cat named Biscuit and a dog named Flapjack!
There are whole worlds where we're not looking.  It really crinkles the old brain hoses.  This is all entirely off point, though.  But aren't we glad we learned something about Pillsbury?  I know I am.  They had no kids, I guess.  I bet GrandPopper and GranMommer were upset about that.  How hard could it be to have dough kids?  What's in dough anyway - water and flour?  I could understand if Poppie didn't want to shove a yeasty kid through her dough hole, but I don't think that's how dough people have kids.  Who does though?  Yet another mystery to knot the brain wad.

So, in the car a Katy Perry song comes on about California and girls, which I later learn is named "California Gurls" -- yes, gurls.  Here's Katy Perry next to a horned skull.  Then note her with blue hair. I just thought we should all familiarize ourselves with someone who spells girls with a 'u' but no 'z'.
Anyhow, in the middle of the song there is a rap.  By a rapper.  Not a gift wrapper.  But a rapper.  With no 'w' and I just want to specify in case you're reading this aloud to somebody or yourself.  So I think he is saying

"bikinis, zucchinis, martinis, no weenies, just a king and a queenie."

Zucchini might also have been linguine.  The point is, this is the summer time so I get talking about bikinis and maybe martinis, though that seems like more of a winter or fall cocktail to me.  Or even a cocktail more meant for evening than a day at the beach.  But what do I know?  I'd rather eat a cake or a cookie than drink a martini.  I'd rather drink a pie smoothie.  I'd rather wear a cat on my head and call it a hat.  Cats are very warm.  And they'd probably like sitting on a person's head.  So it seems like a match made in HEAVEN!  Where you're greeted by the almighty Orpah!
And she invites you to come for a ride with her and Tom Cruise on a motorbike.
I digress.   So then he mentions either zucchini or linguine.  I can maybe get on board with those things.  I mean, zucchini is a summer squash, right?  And linguine is a pasta.  Pasta is year round.  It's always in season.  Just ask the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Fine.  Don't ask him.  Just stare at him.  Like he was some sort of monster.  Just because Monster is part of his name, doesn't mean he's a lower-case monster.  Were The Munsters just monsters??  
NO.  And you might be saying, "Laura!  You're so stupid!  Of course they weren't just monsters.  They were MUNSTERS.  With a 'u -- but a Spaghetti Monster is a monster is a monster!  Can't you read???"  Of course I can read!  I read books AND magazines!  I read the backs of movie sleeves AND directions for how to cook Rice-A-Roni.  I do it all.  I can have it all!
Fine, Orpah!  Fine, TOM!  Laugh it up!  For now.  Because, one day, I'll be running the show.
So then he mentions weenies, which are fine.  If he means hot dogs.  Because we know how I feel about hot dogs.
I think that last one really sums it up.  Whoopi always just gets me.  She gets it.  She gets what's for dinner.

And then he raps about a king and queenie.  And now I can't stop saying king and queenie.  And there's no reason ever to say it.  And I just want to say it all the time.  Because it's really fun.  Like that time I loved "Enjoy your apple and sandwich!"  I loved hearing it and saying it.  A forgotten line from a great film.  She's The Man.  

Amanda Bynes stars as a girl pretending to be a boy.  Executed with terrifying realism.
So, the moral of the story is.  I am fixated on this tiny part of this rap from this one song I heard two or three times in the span of 30 minutes.  

Good bye for now, Kings and Queenies.  Enjoy your apple and sandwich.  I know, right.

Brought to you by The Queen of Pop.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

it's beginning to look a lot like

These guys really look/ed alike.

These ladies don't.
When people tell people they look like celebrities it's very boring.  I'd rather have someone tell me I look like an inanimate object.  Like, "OMG - you look just like a chair!"  That's at least mildly interesting.  Or, "Wow - has anyone ever told you that you look just like a boiled ham?"  And you might be insulted, but this would be a mistake.  People love chairs and boiled hams.  And they are beautiful things to some people.  

And if not that, wouldn't you rather be compared at least to a neat cartoon or fictional character than a dumb old person?  Like if someone was all, "Hey - you really remind me of Mrs. Potts from Beauty and the Beast."  You'd know what they think of you.  
They'd think you were an awesome fat person who wears too much makeup and is a little too flashy for her own good.  Or maybe someone says, "HEY.  YOU.  You're Willy Wonka!  You're HIM."
So that probably means you're an amazing dresser, own a successful candy company, have great musical abilities and hang out with odd colored little people who are mediocre dancers that can't really cartwheel to save a donkey.  Also, maybe, you don't mind child murder.

Or maybe you look like a sleepy puppy.

ORPAH!!  NO!  ORPAH.  ORPAH, HUSH!!  Puppies are trying to sleep.