Thursday, July 8, 2010

the great beasts of north america, vol. 3

Welcome to another edition of Great Beasts of North America.  Having hit the two top ugly faced females, you might be wondering, what about men??  Where are all the ugly men?  And I would have to think about that and compile a list.  And I don't feel like doing that.  But here's a lady who I think has man hands - I don't know in all honesty, I haven't seen them.  But I can imagine.  You will, too.  We'll do it together.

To be perfectly fair, I don't get a lot of people arguing with me on how beastly she is; however, the public must think she's pretty enough to look at on a big screen over and over again.  Since she's certainly not particularly distinctive or funny or even that oddly shaped and is put on loads of magazine covers, I fear I must conclude that people admire her general appearance.  They pay her to continue to look like she does...oh, mysteries of the world, will you never cease?

Anyway, welcome to the latest Great Beasts of North America:  another single and oft abandoned lady, after Jennifer Aniston's own  brawny face.  

Renee Zellweger
What happened to this lady's face??  She didn't just get older - something changed - like evil-curse-changed!  Like she did something terrible to a witch who then cast a spell enchanting her skin to envelop her eyes the more time that passed.  Look!  Look at her face!  And her eyebrows moved and her lips warped so I suppose obviously that's loads of plastic surgery but still.  Jeez.  LOUISE.
And in a lot of photos she is sort of looking like that plastic surgery cat lady and also the lady in that Christopher Guest movie who's married to that old guy and says they both really enjoy soup and talking and not talking - Jennifer Coolidge.
Now, I love Jennifer as much as the next fat person - but she's very squinty faced and same-nosed as Renee.  And Renee doesn't do herself any favors by standing next to prettier people.  Even when standing next to a person of unnatural skin color, she still sticks out as the sore thumb face.  Where are her peepers??  
And I'm not a huge fan of Charlize being orange.  She looks like an Oompa Loompa.  But she's an MRF, so I'll excuse her.
Moreover - I love pale skin and generally hate tans!  So you'd think I'd at least approve of Renee's sickly pallor, wouldn't you??  You would.  But you'd think dead wrong.  In fact, the more pale this one is, the more her features pop out at you like terrifying kernels of hot oily ugly popcorn.  And it also never does a lady any favors to assume a position as though one is sitting on a tiny toilet.  So avoid that in photos if possible.

And her body isn't ladylike at all!  She's super muscular and also bony and also yet very scrawny.  Very unappealing.  Not that I think being super voluptuous is the epitome of ladylikeness, because that can be simply overwhelming in certain cases.  Christina, for example, needs to do something because her bosom is about to explode or implode or I don't know but something terrible is about to happen here.
But, yikes.  Renee, I can see your insides from the outsides.
She looks like a compressed child-elf.  And if there's one thing I hate more than compression, it's children.  Just kidding.  It's Renee Zellweger.
I feel I should tell you though...I really enjoy Down With which she stars.  I also feel I should tell you....Ewan McGregor also stars...and he can overpower the ugly of Zellweger any day.  Probably on account of being Scottish or maybe because he can ride a motorcycle.  Probably one of those things.

1 comment:

Kendra said...

I've agreed with every Beast of America you've posted so far! Renee totally bugs with those squinty eyes. Stop squinting, Renee! And stop making movies. And give that Oscar to someone else.