Tuesday, August 31, 2010

cave people and stuff

Who wants to travel to Sweden and stay in a cave/tree thing??  I do!!  Well, they're more like huts.  But whatever.

You can see a moose!
I'm going to pretend it would be staying in a cave.  I love cave people.  Like the Flinstones.  And the Flinstone Kids.  They used feet as motors for their cars.  And forced animals to be gramophones.   And their homes were caves made of rock - that's just crazy - did they carve their house out of rock?  Wouldn't that take a while?  I don't know.  Anyway, what we all do know is, I am obsessed with cartoon foods that look so good you can eat them.  Like that time the Flinstone Kids started an ice cream business.
Sure, it might just look like a beautiful creamy buttery vanilla splotch of color to some people.  But to me it looks delicious!  And other fake foods I would eat, you ask?  I answer:  Strega Nona's spaghetti.  Okay, so it's illustrated and not a cartoon movie, but who cares?  Not me.
And everything needs to come in threes - other than the acceptable number of pieces of bread in a sandwich, heads on a baby, or butts on a dog.  So the third illustrated/cartoon food that looks delectable is a cake from an episode from Winnie the Pooh.  You can't really see it, but this was the best I could find.
And I'm forced to mention the delectability of Pooh's hunny.  I never thought about how weird it is for honey to be in a tree.  Don't bees do the honey thing in a hive not inside a tree but hanging from it or lodged in it or some such junk?
You may have noticed my childhood readings/watchings greatly influenced my appetite for food.  For fake food I couldn't eat.  But it's probably why I love cooking/baking - so I'll forever be trying to make food that matches the magic of the above fakes.


The tree reminds me I was talking about cave-hut-tree-cabins.  For my cave-hut I will need a thermos with a cup built right in.  And why not a handle, too??

And then I will need tins for my food, garbage and leavings!
Also, it will be necessary for me to have the following bag in which to sleep.

WAIT.  Unrelated.  But WAIT.

Here is the coop de gracie.  coup de grace.  whatever.

And you've watched it and you're thinking to yourself - so what.  WHO CARES.  What's this got to do with me.  I'll tell you, you troubled cow plopper - it's REAL!!  I want it and I don't care how I get it but one of you is going to get me it.  It's scratch 'n' sniff wallpaper!  
Cherry - Banana - Tutti Frutti
And all you'd have to do from there is smear some cherries, bananas or tutti frutties on it and you've got yourself lickable paper!  Now, I know what you're thinking - how dumb are you?  Why not just smear whatever you want on the wall and lick it?  Or why smear anything at all?  Isn't all wallpaper actually lickable?  Sure, anything in this world is lickable if you wish or lick hard enough.

But it doesn't have the pictures of the stuff on it!  No, sir!  No, Sir Lawrence Olivier.  Unless...no...but yes...unless...you were to draw a piece of cake on your wallpaper and then slap a chocolate cake on top and then lick it.  Shoot.  Well, nuts.  Foiled again.  I wish I'd thought of this earlier.  

If wishes and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas.

Let's just forget our troubles and play hairdresser.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

to all the jerks

Dear dumb telemarketing jerks who call my phone at 6AM,

I don't call your phone at 6AM and make it ring in manner mode so hard it falls off the table and onto the floor - waking me up and in the process hurting itself.  And just because I don't do something doesn't mean I don't want other people to not do it - like if I don't bake you a cake it doesn't mean I don't want you to bake me one.  But you're not baking me a cake, or even a cookie, or even a cookie from a tube.  Those are nice tasty things.  You're doing a mean unflavored thing.

And if I don't call your phone at 6AM, how about you don't call mine?  That'd be nice.  My phone is an old man and he doesn't need to be falling off tables and screaming his head off while dawn is cracking all around us.  Would you like it very much if you were sleeping and an old man in the same room fell off a table and started convulsing and shrieking?  I don't think so.  Think about that.

If you do this again, as you continue to, I'll have to get mad.  And we all know what happens when I get mad sometimes.  Sometimes I get so mad I just have to smash a vase on the back of Greg's head.

That's all.  Except for let's all feel better by looking at a kitten-

Thursday, August 19, 2010

pointy pointy pointy

I just saw this so you should, too.

I'll be back in LA very soon and back to my regularly scheduled posting...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

things that float

So that kooky flight attendant who essentially ejected himself from a parked plane - he's pretty neat.  I mean, it's not as neat as if he'd leapt out of the plane mid-air and had a hidden parachute to pull open and float to safety.  But it's still pretty neat.

Sometimes I want to do that on planes and I don't even have to serve people in the air.  I just don't like sitting super close to smelly loud strangers or odorless silent weirdos.  Even if nobody's bothering me on a plane it's usually pretty horrible as an experience.

It's probably why I like private transportation, like cars and walking encased in a bubble.  Watch this inventor fail at his bubble.
If you call yourself an inventor it must be pretty embarrassing to have your bubble burst.  Because then everyone around just goes around saying you burst your own bubble.  And you'd think that'd get old, but I'm still really enjoying it - whole moments later.

And the pictures are A-DORABLE!!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

the mysteries of ladyships

I am here in New York City and learning all sorts of things that fill my head inside and outside and wherever else there are sides.  And I hadn't hitherto had access to a television.  And hitherto I hadn't had access to Netflix with sound I could hear properly.  But hitherto is over.  And so I have been watching Veronica Mars.
Since apparently I'll only watch cancelled television shows on computers and computer-type dealies.  This is a mystery.  An unsolved mystery of me.  However, this is not and hardly is the point.  The point is - is - lady detectives are neat.  Some things about this Veronica Mars show are dumb as stumps, but the detective part is totally neat.
I love the gentlemen detectives, don't get me wrong.  But the lady ones are pretty dandy.  Here are some weird and wonderful gentlelady detectives.

Jessica Fletcher
To be honest, I've never watched Murder, She Wrote but I know I'd enjoy it.  It includes Angela Lansbury and that's enough for me.  I love old ladies and I love mysteries, so what better combination than the two?  And she's a writer and I'm a writer!  See me now and how I write these words??  However, I don't have much to say on the subject of Murder, She Wrote since my knowledge on the matter is shallow at best.  But on the matter of Angela I saw her on Broadway and she is the most wonderful little old lady performer.  If I could have half the razzamatazz she has at her age, I'll be the happiest camper at Senior Citizens' Day Camp.

Angela and Bea Arthur were best buddies!
I hope when I am aged and wise I can wear as fine a turquoise bow tie as Bea.  As for now, I will pretend I ride this turquoise bicycle.  
As, apparently, on her show Angela didn't drive and always rode a bike or took cabs or something.  Plus, people are far less suspicious of people on bicycles.  If you're looking to be a discreet detective.  Or just save gas money.  

OOH.  There's a Murder, She Wrote cookbook.  Tippi Hedren has a recipe in there.  If there's one thing I love just as much as mysteries, Angela Lansbury and Bea, it's a cookbook.  Check it out.

Nancy Drew
I used to read a lot of Nancy Drew.  She was a cool lady.  I'm pretty sure she didn't have a dumb old job - she was too busy with the job of life!  And she had a boyfriend referred to as her "special friend" -  like in movies I've seen how a divorced parent might refer to their companion when talking to their children!  She had it all!  She didn't take money for solving mysteries and was crafty and wily and all that kind of thing.
These mysteries of secrets and leaning chimneys don't just solve themselves, you know.  And this detective also has a cookbook!  See here and now!

I guess since Nancy and Angela both have cookbooks based off their mystery solving roots, we can gather that if a lady can solve a mystery, she cook a mean casserole.  Or whatever it is people used to cook back in their day.  So I suppose if I can cook a casserole, I can solve a mean mystery.  I'm going to make a casserole to see if I should become a private and public detective.  Maybe this Lion's Head Casserole.
Don't worry.  There're no lion heads in it - not even a one!  But there's plenty of pork butt!!  For everyone!

Speaking of food, I'm in the middle of My Life in France by Julia Child, sort of, since it was really put together by some other guy.  But from her letters and memories and it is a DELIGHT!  Julia would have made a brilliant detective, since she was such a wonderful cook.  If she had a show or a book series they could call it Child Detective.  And people think it would be about children!  But it wouldn't!  It wouldn't at all!!

Although in this photo Julia seems more suited to being a merry murderess.
And she does have the temperament of blood-thirst.  I think she's eaten, beaten and cooked most animals under the sun, sea and ground.  My kind of lady!!
BUT.  If Julia Child ever had gone on a crime spree we'd need another cook on the case.  I know just the woman for the job - it's PAULA!!
But first she'd need to solve The Case of the Missing Butter.

Oh, Paula.  Such a scamp.  I never know what you're doing.  And I LOVES IT!

more detectives to follow shortly...