Thursday, September 9, 2010

everything is adorable but not dignified

We all love eating.  We all know we look adorable while eating.  But are we this adorable?

We all love tea.  We all  love jasmine tea.  I started drinking only jasmine tea because of this clip.  Yes, I'm easily influenced by anything I see.  
But at least I have the decency to admit it.  What do you have??  Your dignity??  What good is dignity if you can't be honest with yourself, folks?  Do you really want to be a dignified liar?  No.  You can't be.  It's pretty much impossible.  

If we know anything about liars, it's going to be from the movie Liar, Liar.  Jim Carrey didn't have dignity in Liar, Liar and everyone thought he stank!  In the movie, I mean.  We're supposed to hate him at first.  We all love Liar, Liar in real life.  And Jim Carrey is pretty all right, I guess.  Anyway, he was a liar on top of having no dignity!  Except his neglected kid still kind of liked him because he hadn't yet learned that you don't have to like somebody just because they're your family.  But I love my family because they're supercool.  So this isn't really about me.  But I'm here for you people.  You and your dysfunction.  Back to Jim.  And his fake kid.
His fake kid who didn't want him to be a liar, but didn't care so much about the dignity thing.  I think we can all get on board with that kid.  I'll get on board.  That kid wanted his dad to be honest, so much so that he didn't care that his pops would socially-incapacitated because of it.  We should all take a page out of Jim Carrey's movie son.  Or his book.  You shouldn't take a page out of a little kid.  That's probably inappropriate somehow.

But.

Let's all be honest with ourselves.  Whether that's deciding not to wear skinny pants because of your fat legs or that you're only drinking that jasmine tea because "It's Jasmine."  Or admitting you lie about having read dumb books your friends have read - admit you're lying to yourself, not to your friends.  They would think you're totally weird for having lied about a book anyway.  People don't even need real books now that you can read them all tiny on your iPhone.  And what better and more enjoyable way is there to read than on a tiny electronic device with pages the size of playing cards?  Everything is better when it's tiny!  Except for a lot of things - like books, movies, pickles, checks, forks, dogs, paintings, beds and ice cubes...just to name a few.  But I read books.  Because I'm smart like that.  I like words.

I think books should be big and made of paper and whatever other guck out of which they make books!  Books say you have dignity!  You see a man with a book, you think - There's a man with dignity.  Maybe he has no pants, but he has dignity.  Maybe he's wearing a shoe as a hat and that's not right, but you don't even notice because you're thinking - Gee Moses Loving Cup, look at the dignity on that fellow!  Absolutely falling out of his bottom.  You know what the first image to pop up is when I google dignity??
Yeah.  That's Hilary Duff.  Lizzie McGuire, folks.  She has dignity.  She married a man who looks like a foot and a cow together at once.  I think that says it all.  I don't know much about Hilary.  But I know she would never do anything undignified. 
Nope.  Not one undignified thing to her name.

You know who else has dignity coming out her well-toned bottom??  Marisa Tomei, that's who.  And she hula hoops.  Hula hooping is adorable.
And maybe you're thinking - HEY - she wasn't so dignified when she flashed her chachahulahays in that movie where she stripped!!  Was she??  And I would say to you - I didn't see that movie!  It doesn't count.  And maybe she was dignified.  Did you ever think of that, you close-minded troglodytes?  Can there be no stripping that is dignified?  That seems just impossible!  I'm gonna go look for my old hula hoop.

Or watch The Hudsucker Proxy.  Whatever.
Coming soon - 
My VIDEO Review of Things I Saw & Read This Summer -
STAY TUNED!

1 comment:

Blogger said...

I've just installed iStripper, so I can have the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.