Monday, October 18, 2010

why facebook is the devil

DISCLAIMER:  I like Facebook and check it a lot.

Facebook is the devil, as stated in the title of this post.  Not the Devil like that dumb elevator movie.
If Facebook was an elevator that might actually be neat.  And not the sexy Devil like in the remake of Bedazzled.
Or a sexy Devil like the original of Bedazzled.
No, Facebook is a stinky jerk devil.  This is true for several reasons.  Here I will say one or two or however many depending on how I feel.

1) Facebook makes people who aren't stupid look stupid and people who are stupid look more stupid.  I realize Facebook is not real life, but it's a part of real life - so you should present yourself how you would in real life.

In the real world when you meet with a close friend or acquaintance and they query how you're doing, do you honestly bust out with something  like, "My life is so blessed!  I've been so lucky lately with all my amazing opportunities!  I'm thinner than I think as evidenced by the fact that I thought my clothes were all size small but they're actually EXTRA small!  And my job is unworldly!  I can't believe I'm me getting to live my life and prance about all over the world and do the things I do!  I'm so jealous of me!  It's been a beautiful dream!!  Also I got a puppy from my life's hero who I happened to bump into while parading down the boulevard of an amazing foreign land my blessed life led me to be in at just the right moment!"  No.
You don't do that in real life.  You don't go around shouting about how great you are unless you want to look like a total jerk or unless you're some weirdo in a bar who thinks these kinds of things are the kinds of things other people want to here.  You just look like a happy-go-lucky moron for the most part.  But this goes the other way, too!  You wouldn't just wander up to strangers and friends and say, "Job sucks.  I hate my life.  I can't believe the tragedies that befall me as I walk to my horrible job where everyone hates me."  Then you just look like a cranky old thunderpants nobody wants to talk to.

There is a happy medium of these things in life, so there should be on Facebook.  And when people I know post things like this my opinion greatly lowers.  It's great you're proud of yourself or you're unhappy with your situation, but in my day we didn't go about airing our dirty laundry.  That's not true.  But I don't like dirty laundry.  I don't want to know about your figurative dirty underpants and how they got that way.  Hell's bells -- I don't even like normal laundry, nobody does.  Don't think just because you've done something that makes it interesting.

If you've saved an adorable 3-legged kitten from destruction at the hands of a Disney villain come to life, that's something to toot your horn about.  Or if you found out you had a long lost twin and you went to the same summer camp and were enemies but you bonded and now realize now you're better than sisters, you're twins - that's pretty cool.
But if you're life was really so fantastic would you really want to take the time out of all the magic happening all around you to talk about it?  And if you're life is so terrible, do something about it.  Or don't but don't talk about it all the time.  Nobody likes a Frowny Fran, a Debbie Downer, or a Naysaying Ned.  People generally don't like Fran's, Debbie's and Ned's anyhow.  So don't make it worse.

Facebook isn't show 'n' tell and you're not in preschool so how about a little discretion or at least discerning judgement when it comes to what you want to share.
You're not Gwyneth Paltrow.  Your life can't be that great.  And her life is pretty stinkin' fancy and nobody wants to hear about it.  So think about yourself for just a minute.  Would you want me to announce ever so proudly I've just made cookies?  Or finished studying?  Or that I'm going to get sweaty with strangers in a gym?  Or watch other people get sweaty at a sports match while I sit on my fat butt and eat cotton candy and Skyscraper dogs?  Or I'm going to watch TV?  If none of these phrases end with 'on the moon' then they're probably not newsworthy.

If I wanted to read about dumb things you say and hear your opinions and stuff that doesn't matter to most people I'd read your stupid blog.

And if you conclude you really do need to broadcast every little thing....well...that just makes me mad.

2) Okay.  So I guess the main point is really Facebook just makes everyone look stupid.  Like photos.  I get it - you think you look awesome or someone else thinks you look awesome and they want everyone to be privy to such awesomeness.  This awesomeness is rarely in existence.  It's like Lady Gaga just showing one butt cheek.  Not awesome.
For one thing, even back in the olden days where you'd go to someone's house and be forced to sit through slide shows people didn't like it.  So why is it people think other people want to see them drunk and disorderly in a way that's not at all charming like certain drunks from film and television?  I don't want to see it.  I know plenty of other people who don't want to see it.  Let's just stop seeing these photos shall we?

And if you don't want to see photos of someone or reminded of their existence in the first place, you toddle onto Facebook and WHAM - you're met with a barrage of photos of people you didn't like in the first place, people you liked but who you don't anymore, people you like but who don't like you and your dumb friends who you see all the time anyway and who's picture you probably took in the first place.

Or someone you're trying to erase from memory and practically had just POPS back into your consciousness like an evil bee repeatedly stinging your brain, leaving lasting effects.
This is unnecessary.  Or you find out horrible things about people you thought you liked from seeing pictures of their actions and the company they keep.  Seeing pictures of people doing things you don't want to see stinks.  This is why I avoid photography exhibits with indelicate subject matter.  But you can't avoid the internet!
And then you feel stupid for wasting time looking at dumb pictures you hate and/or you think other people are more stupid for doing the things they're doing.

3) Messages about events.  Are.  The Worst.  I didn't want to go to your event in the first place and I have to keep hearing about it and getting messages about it and seeing who all is going to the stupid thing.  In real life you don't hippity hop up to people you barely know and say, "COME TO THIS BIG THING I PLANNED."  Then go away for a day, then come back and say, "YOU BETTER COME TO THIS THING - REMEMBER I PLANNED IT!"  Then come back 10 minutes later and say, "PLEASE COME AND OOPS IT ACTUALLY GOES TIL 5:30 NOT 5."  And then return again later and say, "HERE'S YET ANOTHER REMINDER FOR THIS THING!!  COME PLEASE COME PLEASE PLEASE!"

You'd look like a maniac.  Facebook permits this maniacal behavior.  And I don't care for it.  Not one bit.  So let's just stop with it.  Please.


This has gotten out of hand.  I may have written this while greatly in need of happy-making snacks and niceties.  And this rambling may have come off negative and you might say, "HEY - if you don't like Facebook get out of the kitchen!  Don't be so mean!  Why you so mad!?!?!"  And I'd say, "HEY - HEY - if I have to look at your dumb life and/or read about it - you can do me the same courtesy.  Also, shut your face.  And also - this is my ship and I'm driving it.  If you don't like it you're free to jump out the ship's door while I'm speeding along the sea highway at anytime."

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