Monday, December 27, 2010

big girl pants, or - I walked on your face

I am now the proud owner of an iPhone.  This is an important step in my human development.  This makes me steps closer to true adulthood.  When your phone is more than just a phone, your existence becomes more than just an existence.  For some reason, it has been decided that it is important to have a friendly little computer by your side at all times.  And now I do!  It is as though I have gone from sub-human to human in one easy purchase.

It's like going from As the World Turns Julianne Moore to sexy movie star Julianne Moore.
To reiterate.  I went from this.  And holding on to this guy.
To this.  And these guys.
An obvious upgrade - two jungle cats and a giant purse.  That spells full true human existence every day of the week.  Not that Julianne wasn't totally neat before she was a star.  She's a pretty cool lady.  But I think we can all see the difference.  And so as going from TV to movies was her Professor Henry Higgins, I imagine a phone that can find me a clean toilet to use will be mine.
I like to think of my new phone as something of a Rosie the Robot.  A friendly, useful robot.  Who for some reason wears clothes.  Perhaps I should make a tiny tuxedo for my phone.
I mean, sure he can't make me food.  Or fall in love.  But I think he would if he knew what food and love were.  Anyway.  In past when I heard about the future, everybody had robots and crazy gizmos.  And now I am part of that future.  

Or something.  

One thing I am never impressed by in the future?  The food.  It always seems to be in pellet form.  I am not a hamster so I would not enjoy eating pellets.  Sure, I would enjoy somebody bringing me food and cleaning up my waste for me and having an amazing wheel that never stops turning on which to run my little hamster feet.  But I would not want hamster food.  I would like miniaturized food that would actually be full-size food to me, on account of my miniature stature.

I don't like future food that comes in tiny form.  And then you have to enlarge it with water or crazy machines.
That just seems unhealthy somehow.  But also seems like food an astronaut would eat.  And who doesn't love astronauts?  So maybe I should rethink this.

In my future the magic of food would be how you can reach into your TV and pull it out and stuff it in your fat face.  Like Wonkavision.  That's really a miracle.  Until I can pull a chocolate bar out of my television, I remain unimpressed with the future of food.

I mean.  Who cares if a tiny pizza can turn huge?  That only really matters if you have such a small kitchen that keeping your food tiny while you store it is some sort of convenience.  Yet you somehow can afford some insane device that enlarges it.  So why can't you afford a kitchen with a bigger pantry??  You sound dumb.

Just kidding.  I like you all.  Like I like David Beckham.
That's all.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

xmas specials

I love holiday specials.  I should say Christmas, since I can't think of of any non-Christmas yet still winter-holiday specific specials.  Can't think of a Hannukah one...or a Winter Solstice...or whatever else.  Anyway, Xmas is the best smelling holiday, so it makes sense it gets the best Xmas specials.

Best smelling??  How can something be best smelling?  I'll tell you how - Xmas tree smell, hot chocolate smell, pie smell, cinnamon smell, minty smell, clove smell, hot cider smell - BAM!  I wish there was a way to smell things over the internet because I'd totally stick some sort of scratch 'n' sniff right here below this here text.  But, impossible.  For now...

Anypoops.  I love How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
It's seems silly to discuss Xmas specials, since who doesn't like them?  But I'm gonna discuss anyway.  The Grinch is a fat fuzzy tub of deplorability.  He is as green as a booger.  And he has a wonderful dog named Max.  And that spells XMAS!!!!  He wears no pants and his shirt is too small.  And that sings XMAS!!!  And he kind of looks like Jack Nicholson somehow, it's true!
And if there's any celebrity who truly embodies the holiday spirit, it's Jack.
And here is a fun fact!  The movie was directed by Chuck Jones.  Who??  Chuck Jones, you magnificent imbeciles!  
He is a scholar and a prince.  See him below with Boris Karloff!  Another gentleman's gentleman.  Man's man, lady's man, man about town.

Next  up, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

I remember watching this when I was little and there was an earthquake during the movie and the movie was so good I didn't even notice the earthquake and had to be physically moved to safety by another human.  That says it's a pretty good movie in my book.  I love every stinking thing about this movie and it looks amaaaaazing.
Everyone and everything in it is adorable.
It might possibly be that I thought everything looked like it was made of spun sugar and delicious cookie and pastry doughs...and it is possible I wanted to eat everything.  But in any event, nobody ever frowned at saying something looked good enough to eat.
But I think I loved it mostly on account of it being spectacular and magical and being the ocean upon which the Christmas ship sails.  

Next.  We have - no, not A Charlie Brown Christmas - on account for my love for a Charlie Brown special is entirely devoted to the Great Pumpkin - we have Home Alone.  And Home Alone 2, but that should go without saying.
Thank you for teaching me the joy of violence and the defending of oneself from predators.  It also taught me not to overdrink liquids before sharing a bed with someone - and also, obviously, not to share a bed with someone with a weak bladder.  Additionally, never to take a vacation with a group so large I could not notice a kid was missing until it was pretty much way too late and it was blindingly clear I was definitely some sort of terrible mother or mother figure.  It also taught me to beware Joe Pesci and seriously creeped me out about old men who hang out in church yards.  And then crazy bird ladies in Home Alone 2.  You learn so much from Christmas movies.

And, finally, Elf.  Because.
Because he eats spaghetti with syrup.   And this.
And this.

That's all there is.  There isn't anymore.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

when things happen, they HAPPEN

Sometimes when you're sick, things happen.  Pills are taken or things are mixed together in a mug and then ingested or foods of unpleasant combinations are eaten.  And we feel momentarily better and then so much worse.  Because these are things we learned from the internet.  We rub oils on our noses after the deciding putting lotion on a paper towel is the same thing as using a Puffs lotion-enhanced tissue.  It is not.  Our nose burns.  But the oil.  It burns, too.  We suffer as the oil burns and does not soothe.  It does not at all.

We turn down suggestions from professionals because are we not the professional body owners?? Of our own bodies?  I believe we are.  And we think we know best.  And when you feel like a sick pile of worm dumps, you think it would be great to try and fancy yourself up to feel better.  To look better is to feel better, sometimes.

We know nothing would be finer than to be an elegant spectacle.  Like Marla Hooch.

And so we make a spectacle of ourselves.  Because it seems like a good idea at the time.
So.  Here.  
From me to you.  
Even when you feel like poo on a shoe of a bear from Peru.
How to give yourself a Sexy Makeover.  

Monday, December 6, 2010

manners, please

What is with people these days?  Have manners and courtesies and etiquettes gone flying naked out the window?  I am not talking about being polite or well-mannered and not mentioning poops in conversation or not embarrassing somebody on purpose by loudly talking about the time they made you run out of a train station and grab a cab to hightail it to the nearest toilet due to a sudden onslaught of a Copenhagen Incident, which also happens to have something to do with poops.

I am talking about being nice to strangers.  Not even nice!  Just acting like everyone you're interacting with is a human person just like you.  And you wouldn't behave in a terrible way towards yourself, would you? And if you would, you got bigger whales to butcher.  You've got higher balconies off which to try and fly.  You gots problems.
A few tips on how to be a human being:
  • Use your pleases and thank yous.
  • Use your turn signals.
  • Use your gas and brake pedals appropriately.
  • Use your ears and listen when people are talking to you.  Acknowledge they are talking to you.  And then use the powers of your brain to absorb the information.  
  • Use the information and don't ask the same question I just answered.
  • Use real pants.
  • Don't drive in both lanes on the street.
  • Don't pull over 3/4 of the way out of the street with your boat of a car and pretend you're not holding up a whole lane of traffic.
  • Don't sneeze into your hand and expect me to want to take the credit card you're holding in that same hand.
  • Don't borrow my coat to go outside and then smoke while wearing it and stink it up when I asked you not to.
  • Don't be one half of an hour late.
  • Don't say you're 5 minutes away when you're 30, 20 or even 10.
  • Don't "forget" your wallet if you take a person out on a date.
  • Don't check your phone every five seconds because I know I'm not that boring, so it probably means you are.
  • Don't not answer my text or call if I'm not where you are and I know you check your phone so often you'd think it was a lone baby cooking a roast beast dinner over a high flame.  I'm not saying I need instantaneous results, but I think we can all agree letting days pass is absurd.  Unless you're trying to rescue aforementioned lone baby who is now stuck inside a flaming roast beast inside of a locked room.
  • Don't make that terrifying commercial with that baby with chest hair running down the beach.  It's disgusting and makes me physically sick.

  • Don't ruin the endings of movies!  Unless it's a bad movie nobody should see anyway.  
  • Don't be sick and not tell me you're sick until I've already breathed the same air as you, thereby getting me sick.
  • Don't sneeze on me.
  • Don't trick Amish people.
  • Don't impregnate your wife with Satan's baby, especially while she's sleeping.
  • Don't tell me I look much better in real life than in my driver's license photo - they're all the many faces of me!
  • Don't ask me if I want two sets of chopsticks when I buy a pantload of sushi at the market - I don't want two sets.  I want one.  Because it's just me.  Eating all that sushi.  By myself.  And I don't care if you're judging me.  Because you know what?  I'm not wearing a mumu.  Most of the time.  And I don't even usually wash myself with a rag on a stick.

  • Don't wear sheer tights as pants.  Don't use leggings, but especially don't  use sheer stockings.  I've previously discussed buttcheeks in this forum and I don't wish to revisit it any more often than need be.

Okay.  Now that that's out of the way.

I have a sore throat and it is NOT OKAY.  
I burnt my whole mouth drinking a Candy Cane Tea Latte.
I watched two movies on the TV.
They were both about ladies, one of whom was really ugly.
That was a poem.  Written by my sickness.

And for C-Mas is soon upon us.