Monday, December 27, 2010

big girl pants, or - I walked on your face

I am now the proud owner of an iPhone.  This is an important step in my human development.  This makes me steps closer to true adulthood.  When your phone is more than just a phone, your existence becomes more than just an existence.  For some reason, it has been decided that it is important to have a friendly little computer by your side at all times.  And now I do!  It is as though I have gone from sub-human to human in one easy purchase.

It's like going from As the World Turns Julianne Moore to sexy movie star Julianne Moore.
To reiterate.  I went from this.  And holding on to this guy.
To this.  And these guys.
An obvious upgrade - two jungle cats and a giant purse.  That spells full true human existence every day of the week.  Not that Julianne wasn't totally neat before she was a star.  She's a pretty cool lady.  But I think we can all see the difference.  And so as going from TV to movies was her Professor Henry Higgins, I imagine a phone that can find me a clean toilet to use will be mine.
I like to think of my new phone as something of a Rosie the Robot.  A friendly, useful robot.  Who for some reason wears clothes.  Perhaps I should make a tiny tuxedo for my phone.
I mean, sure he can't make me food.  Or fall in love.  But I think he would if he knew what food and love were.  Anyway.  In past when I heard about the future, everybody had robots and crazy gizmos.  And now I am part of that future.  

Or something.  

One thing I am never impressed by in the future?  The food.  It always seems to be in pellet form.  I am not a hamster so I would not enjoy eating pellets.  Sure, I would enjoy somebody bringing me food and cleaning up my waste for me and having an amazing wheel that never stops turning on which to run my little hamster feet.  But I would not want hamster food.  I would like miniaturized food that would actually be full-size food to me, on account of my miniature stature.

I don't like future food that comes in tiny form.  And then you have to enlarge it with water or crazy machines.
That just seems unhealthy somehow.  But also seems like food an astronaut would eat.  And who doesn't love astronauts?  So maybe I should rethink this.

In my future the magic of food would be how you can reach into your TV and pull it out and stuff it in your fat face.  Like Wonkavision.  That's really a miracle.  Until I can pull a chocolate bar out of my television, I remain unimpressed with the future of food.

I mean.  Who cares if a tiny pizza can turn huge?  That only really matters if you have such a small kitchen that keeping your food tiny while you store it is some sort of convenience.  Yet you somehow can afford some insane device that enlarges it.  So why can't you afford a kitchen with a bigger pantry??  You sound dumb.

Just kidding.  I like you all.  Like I like David Beckham.
That's all.

2 comments:

Jessica Yopp said...

Remember when Rosie the Robot had that robot boyfriend? That seriously confused me as child. Still does, a little bit.

Laura said...

Yes! And he was a handyman. Wasn't he? You'd think if Rosie was going to date at all, at least she'd date up the ladder and not side to side.