Monday, December 6, 2010

manners, please

What is with people these days?  Have manners and courtesies and etiquettes gone flying naked out the window?  I am not talking about being polite or well-mannered and not mentioning poops in conversation or not embarrassing somebody on purpose by loudly talking about the time they made you run out of a train station and grab a cab to hightail it to the nearest toilet due to a sudden onslaught of a Copenhagen Incident, which also happens to have something to do with poops.

I am talking about being nice to strangers.  Not even nice!  Just acting like everyone you're interacting with is a human person just like you.  And you wouldn't behave in a terrible way towards yourself, would you? And if you would, you got bigger whales to butcher.  You've got higher balconies off which to try and fly.  You gots problems.
A few tips on how to be a human being:
  • Use your pleases and thank yous.
  • Use your turn signals.
  • Use your gas and brake pedals appropriately.
  • Use your ears and listen when people are talking to you.  Acknowledge they are talking to you.  And then use the powers of your brain to absorb the information.  
  • Use the information and don't ask the same question I just answered.
  • Use real pants.
  • Don't drive in both lanes on the street.
  • Don't pull over 3/4 of the way out of the street with your boat of a car and pretend you're not holding up a whole lane of traffic.
  • Don't sneeze into your hand and expect me to want to take the credit card you're holding in that same hand.
  • Don't borrow my coat to go outside and then smoke while wearing it and stink it up when I asked you not to.
  • Don't be one half of an hour late.
  • Don't say you're 5 minutes away when you're 30, 20 or even 10.
  • Don't "forget" your wallet if you take a person out on a date.
  • Don't check your phone every five seconds because I know I'm not that boring, so it probably means you are.
  • Don't not answer my text or call if I'm not where you are and I know you check your phone so often you'd think it was a lone baby cooking a roast beast dinner over a high flame.  I'm not saying I need instantaneous results, but I think we can all agree letting days pass is absurd.  Unless you're trying to rescue aforementioned lone baby who is now stuck inside a flaming roast beast inside of a locked room.
  • Don't make that terrifying commercial with that baby with chest hair running down the beach.  It's disgusting and makes me physically sick.

  • Don't ruin the endings of movies!  Unless it's a bad movie nobody should see anyway.  
  • Don't be sick and not tell me you're sick until I've already breathed the same air as you, thereby getting me sick.
  • Don't sneeze on me.
  • Don't trick Amish people.
  • Don't impregnate your wife with Satan's baby, especially while she's sleeping.
  • Don't tell me I look much better in real life than in my driver's license photo - they're all the many faces of me!
  • Don't ask me if I want two sets of chopsticks when I buy a pantload of sushi at the market - I don't want two sets.  I want one.  Because it's just me.  Eating all that sushi.  By myself.  And I don't care if you're judging me.  Because you know what?  I'm not wearing a mumu.  Most of the time.  And I don't even usually wash myself with a rag on a stick.

  • Don't wear sheer tights as pants.  Don't use leggings, but especially don't  use sheer stockings.  I've previously discussed buttcheeks in this forum and I don't wish to revisit it any more often than need be.

Okay.  Now that that's out of the way.

I have a sore throat and it is NOT OKAY.  
I burnt my whole mouth drinking a Candy Cane Tea Latte.
I watched two movies on the TV.
They were both about ladies, one of whom was really ugly.
That was a poem.  Written by my sickness.

And for C-Mas is soon upon us.

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