I am talking about being nice to strangers. Not even nice! Just acting like everyone you're interacting with is a human person just like you. And you wouldn't behave in a terrible way towards yourself, would you? And if you would, you got bigger whales to butcher. You've got higher balconies off which to try and fly. You gots problems.
A few tips on how to be a human being:
- Use your pleases and thank yous.
- Use your turn signals.
- Use your gas and brake pedals appropriately.
- Use your ears and listen when people are talking to you. Acknowledge they are talking to you. And then use the powers of your brain to absorb the information.
- Use the information and don't ask the same question I just answered.
- Use real pants.
- Don't drive in both lanes on the street.
- Don't pull over 3/4 of the way out of the street with your boat of a car and pretend you're not holding up a whole lane of traffic.
- Don't sneeze into your hand and expect me to want to take the credit card you're holding in that same hand.
- Don't borrow my coat to go outside and then smoke while wearing it and stink it up when I asked you not to.
- Don't be one half of an hour late.
- Don't say you're 5 minutes away when you're 30, 20 or even 10.
- Don't "forget" your wallet if you take a person out on a date.
- Don't check your phone every five seconds because I know I'm not that boring, so it probably means you are.
- Don't not answer my text or call if I'm not where you are and I know you check your phone so often you'd think it was a lone baby cooking a roast beast dinner over a high flame. I'm not saying I need instantaneous results, but I think we can all agree letting days pass is absurd. Unless you're trying to rescue aforementioned lone baby who is now stuck inside a flaming roast beast inside of a locked room.
- Don't make that terrifying commercial with that baby with chest hair running down the beach. It's disgusting and makes me physically sick.
- Don't ruin the endings of movies! Unless it's a bad movie nobody should see anyway.
- Don't be sick and not tell me you're sick until I've already breathed the same air as you, thereby getting me sick.
- Don't sneeze on me.
- Don't trick Amish people.
- Don't impregnate your wife with Satan's baby, especially while she's sleeping.
- Don't tell me I look much better in real life than in my driver's license photo - they're all the many faces of me!
- Don't ask me if I want two sets of chopsticks when I buy a pantload of sushi at the market - I don't want two sets. I want one. Because it's just me. Eating all that sushi. By myself. And I don't care if you're judging me. Because you know what? I'm not wearing a mumu. Most of the time. And I don't even usually wash myself with a rag on a stick.
- Don't wear sheer tights as pants. Don't use leggings, but especially don't use sheer stockings. I've previously discussed buttcheeks in this forum and I don't wish to revisit it any more often than need be.
Okay. Now that that's out of the way.
I have a sore throat and it is NOT OKAY.
I burnt my whole mouth drinking a Candy Cane Tea Latte.
I watched two movies on the TV.
They were both about ladies, one of whom was really ugly.
That was a poem. Written by my sickness.
And for C-Mas is soon upon us.