Saturday, January 30, 2010

I'm lazy, but you're lazier

I can't muster up whatever needs mustering to write a proper rigamarole, so here are some fun things with which to busy yourselves!  You pincers of brains!  You rings of two penguins!  (It's like Princes of Maine and Kings of New England!!  Except for different and not.)  If you have a heart and a brain and some fingers and at least a couple toes and definitely you'll need one eye - if all those, then watch.





Tuesday, January 26, 2010

CUTE ANIMAL REPORT, VOL. 2

Why didn't you idiots tell me about this one??

The beautiful and singular musk ox.

It's kind of like Snuffleupagus and kind of like the perfect sofa.  If those two got married and had a baby and those babies met up with a a batch of fat gooey cookies and they had babies and those babies met a bunch of sheep and had babies - there would be a musk ox.

If I were musk ox, here I would be.  It's not much of a leap, since we're both brown-haired, furry-skinned dark beauties.  And even though they are not friskily tempered or even smily-mouthed, I think I can still be like them.  We all have our moods.

Everybody has their level.  And musk ox are on the best level, with me!!  Because when they are attacked, the fat morons face outward and form a stationary ring around their babies.  That's pretty classy.


If I was attacked, lord knows I wouldn't form a stationary ring around anybody, except maybe myself!!!  So.  To reiterate.  If I was being attacked I'd stand still and hug myself really tightly.  Anyway.  As the youngest member of my family, I have the great fortune to always be the baby.   Another similarity, I hardly need mention, is we both have very pungent musks!  Sure, my proper name isn't Musk Laura - but I'm no fool!  I know what I'm called behind my back when I'm turned around because it's to my face!  But good luck trying to make me feel badly about my musk.  Mission unaccomplished that will never be accomplished!  More like Mission: Impossible!

Or Musksion: Impossible!!  Tom Cruise knows what I'm talking about.  The only time I think any of us could ever relate to him was when he was suspended from a ceiling wearing a harness and floppy black Peter Pan shoes and glasses while breaking into a computer system and trying desperately not to let sweat droplets get him caught and/or killed.  That was the first, last and only time.  But what a time it was.  Giggling and stinking ourselves all the way to the bank.

Back to the musk ox.  You don't want to make one angry.  They say an angry musk ox is like an angry Bjork.

And how cute is she??!!!  About as cute as me and a couple of baby musk oxen.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Doogie Howser, M.D.

Brought to you by Doogie and the Gang

January 18, 2010
Went to the gym for the first time, with the most beautiful girl in the world - myself. Running part way up a mountain without ever going outside vs. losing my first patient. . . No contest. Got arrested. Fell in love. Love hurts, but hurting someone who loves you hurts worse. Worse than something that just needs a Band-Aid. . .I'm stuck on Band-Aid brand 'cause they don't stick on me.


How come all of Doogie's journal entries were all around 2 sentences long? Yet he was so profound. And concise. And he always learned so much every day! Maybe I should be a child genius doctor. That's probably all this means. But during the first season everyone keeps telling him he's 16, which he clearly isn't. I know I look young for my age, but Doogie is ridiculous. Unless...I'm like a girl version of Doogie...like when I was 16 I looked 12...it is possible...except I was fatter. Much fatter. MUCH. And I had a far more horrible hair cut. And I also wasn't a doctor. At least not the kind of doctor he is. Was.


Here's how I would probably act most of the time if I was a doctor who kept a journal of entries consisting of 2 sentences at a time.
video
Who wouldn't want to be treated by that??


NOTE - When deciding to keep a journal, make sure you're gifted with the ability to make the mundane and everyday activity sound extraordinary!
HOT TIP - If you aren't gifted with that ability, don't do an activity everyday. Sit in your room doing your boring things and don't tell anyone about them or even write them down. That way, when you're gone it'll be like you never existed! Maybe your body will just disappear into the ether OR maybe you never even really were there with which to begin!
HOTTER TIP - Lie! Make a journal full of hilarious and wondrous things you don't do, but wish you were doing.
HOTTEST TIP - Change your pathetic life and go actually do zany and fantastic things of which other people only dream!


Why did I think Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman took place in Alaska? I've never seen the show, nor have I wanted to, but I just assumed. It was one of those facts you just know. I guess I'm thinking of Northern Exposure? Another show I've never seen nor had a desire to see.  Is there even a doctor who is a lady in that show? I don't know.  But it is that show even actually in Alaska?  YES! I just looked and yes it is.

You wouldn't stick a moose in front of a cafe unless you were in Alaska. Would you?? I wouldn't.

Also, Gaga on Orpah.  I wish Orpah could sing and dance.

Friday, January 8, 2010

NEW YORK HOUSEGUEST

Houseguest.

Sinbad and I have much in common. More than I can begin to explain. But for right now, we are both houseguests. I am in New York City as a guest in someone's house. It is an apartment but I think that means it is also a house.
Picture it - 2009/10 - New Year's Eve - Brooklyn. What sort of game can one play on the eve of a new year?


Good Witch/Bad Witch
NOTE - Good Witch/Bad Witch is a game in which you take photographs of people. First ask them to pose as a Good Witch. Then as a Bad Witch. People might not understand what you're doing, but that means you should just do whatever you're doing even more!
HOT TIP - The less people understand what you're doing, the better!


Here is how a perfect game of GW/BW goes:
Person Brandishing a Camera: Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?
Other Person: What?
PBC: Be a Good Witch! (PBC holds up camera)
OP: Huh?
PBC: Good Witch! (Puts finger on picture taking button)
OP: What? I don't know what's happening. (Poses like a Good Witch, PBC snaps a photo)
PBC: That's fantastic! Now, I think you're a Bad Witch.
OP: I need more context for this.
PBC: Bad Witch! (Holds up camera to snap photo)
OP: I don't understa-
PBC: BAD WITCH!!
OP: Uh - (Poses as a Bad Witch might)
PBC: PERFECT. (PBC snaps photo)


Example:

And there you have it!  Good Witch/Bad Witch - a new and classic party game.


You know another great Sinbad movie?  I do!  FIRST KID.

Oh, how I wonder where are you now, Sinbad...  Okay, so First Kid was probably actually really awful.  But you know what wasn't??  Blank Check!!

Though how he bought all that garbage for only a million bucks is beyond me.  BEYOND.  

Speaking of space -
And-
CUTE ANIMAL REPORT

CUTE.  ANIMAL.  NAMED - Ham.  The Space Chimp.