Wednesday, February 24, 2010

no donna juanitas!

LOST and the Stain Heard Round the World or at least Seen on Sawyer's Bottom
This is from last week's episode, but I'm glad this series has finally decided to get real and clamber to new heights of terrifying realism.  I was a bit skeptical when Locke was transforming into a smoke monster or a smoke monster was transforming into Locke.  I was more than skeptical when time split in two.  I was very skeptical when people died and came back to life.  Well.  Actually.  I'm skeptical of almost everything on LOST.  But this has sealed all lips whispering about the reality this show creates.  Sawyer's dirty.  He's drunk, sort of?  And he's pooped himself.  Never has an actor gotten so "in my face" and surprised and shocked me than when Oscar-winner Philip Seymour Hoffman sharted.
And this blows Philip out the sky like Oceanic Flight 815.  This is visual and visceral.  I feel it in my fingers.  I feel it in my toes.  Poops are all around me.  They're everywhere I go.


Sorry to focus on such a distasteful subject.  But it is the dirt of life that grows the gardens of the extraordinary inspirations. 


TRANSITION


Tufts is now accepting video essays as part of their college applications.  If my college had done this, I would have made such a masterpiece.  I think this is the best idea ever.  You could see how boring a person is or how fat they are or anything!  I know this video evaluation is nothing new, what with video dating from the days of yesteryear and what have you - and what is getting into college if not trying to hook and ensnare the man or woman of your or other people's dreams?!?  
If we could do this even for making friendships, that would be best.  If a person can't even make 1 minute of your time entertaining and worthwhile, what're they gonna do with a lifetime??  Or at least however long you're friends with them until you're done and it's time for them to go in the trash.  


Like, this kid.  I'd be friends with him AND let him into my university.
This girl, no.  Yoga + Shakespeare?   You failed.  Watch from at 1:10.  Those are the best moves.  Or, if you do choose to combine these things, don't be flopping around and doing sort of push up things and being generally sloppy.  But that's just one girl's opinion.  But keep in mind, this is one girl who does ExerciseTV yoga very occasionally.  Put that in your back pocket.
As this article says, "Videos are genuinely optional, he said, so not having one does not count against a student — and a bad video would not hurt an applicant’s admission chances “unless there was something really disgusting.”   What qualifies as really disgusting?  Do they mean liiiiike vulgar or gross?  What is really disgusting anyways?  Some people are disgusted by mystery stains on LOST, while others revel in them!  REVEL!  Some people are disgusted by cooked tomatoes or sun dried tomatoes.  Some people, the human body - their OWN body.  And some of those people, I don't blame them.  Have you seen their bodies?  I kid, I kid. 
TRANSITION!
Meanwhile, at Carnegie Mellon, they've been working on.
ROBOCHEFS
One's a Snackbot.  He says precious things like, "Hello, I'm the Snackbot."  PRECIOUS.  And things like, "All right, go ahead and take your snack.  I'm sure it would be good, but I wouldn't know.  I prefer a snack of electricity."  Snackbot - so crazy!  People and robots are different!  Some of these bots are flat out creepy, though.
No, thank you.  That hand is a barf and a half.  And in Europe they had a robot as a bartender who was not too popular - she apparently made wonderful drinks but told horrible jokes and chuckled to herself, scaring the bejesus out of customers.

I would make terrible drinks, tell terrible jokes and chuckle terribly hard to myself.  Just kidding.  I'd be awesome.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

orpah's among us!

Just kidding - this post has NOTHING to do with Oprah.  I mean, Orpah.  Wait - hold the phone - I lied.  This posting was to be about one of my favorite things but I'm distracted by ANOTHER of my favorite things.  And ANOTHER of my favorite things does have to do with Orpah.
Do you all see what the mighty Orpah holds in her left hand?  You do?  I do, too!  In case you can only read words and letters but you cannot process pictures and their content with your eyes, I'll tell you what she's got.  She's got a 
CORN DOG!
Get EXCITED!!
I adore corn dogs.  I love them.  I lurve them.  I luff them.  But I must say, seeing this corn dog and thinking about it makes me feel badly.  I've lied.  I've lied to the public.  My public.  I realized something, you guys.  I used to say I was fat or at least plump or chubby during some of my teens and would blame this wholly on watching Sister, Sister every afternoon while eating McDonald's.  Every afternoon.   And no, it wasn't even fancy Chanel brand McDonald's.  It was regular, plebeian McDonald's.
But, I lied.  I've been lying. I lie.  Tia & Tamera, you were never meant to be hurt by words.  And you probably weren't.  I hope not, at least.  You taught me so much.  Like that zany, alternative 'Happy Birthday' song I used to try and force people to sing.  But nobody knew it.  But you guys did.  And everyone who was at that birthday party episode did.  Anyway, I digress.  It wasn't just Sister, Sister & McDonald's - it was also the heavenly corn dog in mass quantities spread over lengths of time.  When I would go to the market or "grocery store" with my mother, she would buy me a corn dog.  And we went to the market or "grocery store" a lot.  And I was happy.  And I don't regret it.  I'm a better person for snacking.  
I love you, corn dog.  I'll let you know what my original favorite thing was later.

And coming soon...a VIDEO of things to come.

Friday, February 19, 2010

surprises at every balloon

This kooky balloon is in New Zealand!  And it was built as advertising for their Yellowpages.  
First it was a restaurant.  Now it's just an empty balloon structure you can rent for parties.  And events!!
I've wanted to go in a hot air balloon for quite a while now, so I guess getting on a plane to New Zealand and getting off that plane in New Zeland and then going to a special party planned for me in a wooden balloon built into a tree that's used for sexy parties would be the next best thing.  

WAIT.  I'm distracted.
Now.
Hold the phone.  Hold it.  Between your thunder thighs.  Because.  
That is Joan Holloway's husband?  This guy?
This guy is married to this lady?
Um.
As Miss Clavel would say...something is not right.  Well.  I'm sure he's a lovely person.
The Madeline books always made me want to get my appendix taken out.  Or go to boarding school.  I forget which one.  By the by, this next movie looks just fantastic.
Especially after one person said this about it: "i wonder who would think of a movie where a mouse goes to Paris back and forth...on a bike...underground... its a mystery."  You know who would think of that?  A genius, that's who.  Mystery managed! What simpler way is there to travel than on a bicycle underground?  You avoid oceans and automotive traffic!  And Carl Reiner does a voice!  You'd have to be a complete monsterpig to not like Carl Reiner.  If Steve and Lily can get on board, surely that's good enough for you. 
And Alice of Wonderland traveling to Paris seems like as good a place as any to go, if you ask me.  I mean, after a person has traveled to Wonderland, isn't anywhere else kind of a let down?  Yeah.  Yeah, it is.

 That's all there is.  There isn't anymore.  


(BECAUSE I GOTTA HASTEN TO THE POWDER ROOM!)

PS I WANT A COOKIE.
I hear these NYT Chocolate Chip Cookies are WONDERFUL.  But more on that later.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

sunday stuff feat. the fortune chicken

stuff about corn

stuff that's woodland creatures
 

stuff through which one sips
  

stuff you put together from pieces

  

stuff like rocks to wear or eat
  

stuff you can & perhaps should break

stuff for your teeth originally created for a king

stuff you can carve and mail

stuff with fantastic dance moves



Saturday, February 13, 2010

'spectin' spectacles

Where are her spectacles??  And how come we never see spectacles on the cover of Vogue?  Not that I wear my spectacles in public, even.  But I have reasons.  One - they are broken and sit lopsided on my head and Two - they give me a headache because they are lopsided and I have to  pinch my nose and eye muscles hard to keep the glasses on my face.  Also, when it rains you can't see and then you come inside and the glasses fog up and people giggle and giggle and you are lost in a grey haze - so you join in with their giggling and they're probably pointing at you in your fog, so you point at yourself, too.  Then your giggling turns to tittering and as the fog melts from your lenses you realize everyone has stopped giggling and is just watching you tittering and pointing at yourself, and also you're probably a little sweaty from all the built up energy from all the giggling and pointing and tittering.  Another thing, people want to try on your glasses all the time and it's like, I don't come up to you and say, "HEY!  Gimme your hair.  HEY.  Gimme your shirt.  PANTS."  And then pull off your hair, shirt and pants.  I simply don't do it.  I never have.  And I never will.  So don't do that to my glasses - the equivalent of hair, shirt and pants for your face.  Anyways...  

Tina always has her glasses.   Almost always.  Everyone does glasses!
Tyra does it on television.
Chloe "My Foot Is My Face" Sevigny does it with eyes on her bosom!
Scarlett Jobobo does it with bared teeth and pomped hair!
Cate does it while contrasting colors of what's on her body with that which she has bespectacled her face!
Amy Sedaris does it while dressed like a Dumposaurus.  
NOTE - The Dumposaurus is the dumpiest of all dinosaurs.
HOT TIP - Being dressed like a dump isn't defined by the wearing of spectacles.  However, it is worsened by it.  
So, Tina, get your glasses back on your face!!
No!!  Not in your mouth -
No!  Don't not wear them and look like your former unfamous self!  And STOP SQUATTING!  Yuck. Nobody ever got anywhere by squatting.  Except for squatters.  But that's a different thing entirely and a lot less like crouching in an unattractive fashion.
No.  Nobody needs to see you present your bottom.
Yahoo!  Wait.  Where's your glasses?  And your pants??  

NOTE - Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
HOT TIP - Men might make passes at girls who don't wear pants while wearing glasses.  And also wear tape over their defining bosomly characteristics.  And also look like you're bleeding and crying.  Then again, men might not make passes at those sorts of girls.  I'm not some sort of man expert.  I'm not a scientist.
 

If I were a scientist, I would want to maybe study:
Because who doesn't love feeling really tiny?

WAIT.  On that Vogue Cover I just noticed it says "Blake Lively American Style Idol.  Really?
 
What did I say about pants!?!?  That I didn't know whether you should wear them or not, that's what!  But you shouldn't wear the same outfit as Tina Fey if you're a so-called Style Idol.  And just because your cucarachas are hanging out all the time, it doesn't make you an idol.  Anyone can leave their choochachas on display all the time.  Except men.  Probably - again, I'm no expert.  But a green jumpsuit, yes.  YES, BLAKE.  Now I'm getting on board the Party Train.  Or at least I'll consider buying a ticket at the Party Station, departing for Party Town in an hour.  You know who's not joining the Party Train?  You know who doesn't even know where the Party Station is?  You know who doesn't have the money to buy a ticket to Party Town, because she clearly doesn't have the money to buy a mirror? - ZING!!!!!!!  
The expression on her pants says it all.