Wednesday, July 28, 2010

what the what

I was writing another post - went to check my email and was rudely interrupted by this news:

Yogi Bear was made into a movie.  Not a cartoon movie.  A live action movie.  With fake 3D bears.  And Dan Akyroyd as Yogi.  And Justin Timberlake as Boo Boo.  I refuse to embed the trailer here.  It's reprehensibly repugnant in its atrocious abominable animation.

What the what.  This is when I get upset about the movies.  This is worse than when they tried to make Garfield or Marmaduke a thing.  Well.  Marmaduke might have been the dumbest.  But what they're doing to Yogi is the worst.  Do children even know about Yogi?  Really?  Children in this day and age - the future? I don't think so.  And they'll get this old sack version of it?  I don't even care much about children.  But I do care about cartoon bears.

Let's just remember Yogi and Hanna-Barbera as they should be remembered.
And, you know what, we don't even have to just remember them!  We can just watch the old episodes!  Yogi and all the Hanna-Barbera gang aren't real people from history or real people disappeared from our past or even old men filled with regret waiting to die alone!  Or even young men filled with sandwiches, waiting to buy provolone!  Anyway.  The point is - is -

They're cartoons.  They're forever.  Like me.

And, yes, I have Dan's autograph - but it sure as farts isn't because of his brilliant performance in the Britney Spears' shooting star of a movie Crossroads.  And will I rip up the autograph because of this - perhaps - but, let's be honest, no.  Ghostbusters.  Coneheads.  Spies Like Us.  Some other stuff.  He's Canadian.  But, seriously.  WHAT THE WHAT.  Dan.  Come on.  You've made some bad decisions.  But you have time!  You can change!  You could've been a contender.  And I can't makes heads or tails of Timberlake.  With his crazy things he does in the popular culture.  Crazy.  These two just need to have not done some of the things they did.  Un-do Yogi Bear, kids.  I can have like 200 levels of Un-do in a computer program.  Can't you have just one in your real life?

I'm sorry.  Somtimes I just get mad.  I just get so mad I could slap Glenn's mom in the middle of a grocery store.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

too darn hot

It is TOO hot.  I can't enjoy much with this heat.  But I can still enjoy some things.  And so can you.  Let's enjoy this, now and forever.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

in which vogue is dumb

So maybe you read the title of this post and think I'm dumb for reading Vogue.  But GWYNETH was on the cover.  And I like her and how's she's super fancy and does fancy people things and wears fancy people clothes and travels and cooks and exercises and I really enjoy several of her films and have you even seen Spain...On the Road Again with Gwyneth "Gogo" Paltrow??  Because she totally speaks Spanish pretty okay and eats stuff and everything.  And it's just a plain, good, grand-old-farts-out entertaining show about food and travelling.

And big old fatty Mario Batali is there! GP and MB are BFFS!
  
He's like the fat clock from Beauty and the Beast!  What's not to love!?
Anyhams.  

Vogue.

Instead of just looking at the pictures, I made the mistake of reading some of what they are pretending is writing in the magazine.  I feel like it's a joke that that nobody told me.  Or they told me finally and it wasn't funny at all.  And things that aren't funny aren't jokes.  They're just things people say.  And most of what people say is probably self-interested or boring.  Or it's like if a bunch of middle schoolers got together to write something, but they don't know anything and have no lives or experiences of which to speak, so instead they just write (poorly) about themselves and how great they are.

Too be fair, I interned at two magazines and I learned you can't actually write anything about what you're thinking, since you're supposed to compliment everything and/or sort of write about things as though you need to get them to buy them.  But you know what?  I'm not Peggy Olson.  I'm not selling popsicles or lipstick.
And I get that the dumb old advertisers make you say nice things about them, but it's total hamswallop that I would have to write about some nasty beauty cookie or ugly shirt just because some editor's friend made it and wants to sell it.  And what's more, in Vogue - the most complimentary articles are when people aren't even writing about things or other people - it's themselves!!  They think they're the best.  And they're not.

They're not Peggy Olson out on the town being all snazzy and sitting on an old man's laps.
The point is.  These people who write for this magazine are adult people who are supposedly writers.  However, whenever a writer writes their article, they generally mention how they're not a writer OR how writing is their new "career" since they can no longer model or act because they're old.  And then the articles are just about their own problems, which is fine, I guess - if I wanted to read someone's dumb old journal.  Then they only mention other people so as to let the reader know all the rich & famous people they know.  Not even to relate a mildly amusing anecdote about any of them!  

And without fail they always mention how they had a party or a dinner so they can bring up how they decided to spice things up and invite a "normal" person - or normy - like an academic type or an art historian or some other garbage.  And they have nothing nice or interesting to say about that person - they'll mention how they're quiet - and they only bring them up to point out how at some point during the evening the normy would just stop eating/talking/whatevering to just look around and admire how everyone was else was so zany/bohemian/politically/hilarious/fascinating saying such zany/bohemian/politically/hilarious/fascinating things.

It's just rude and dull.  They think they're Gwyneth Paltrow in Emma and the normy is their infinite admirer, Mrs. Bates.
HOGSWALLOP.

If the writers were really so wonderful, maybe they could write about wonderful things they did that are interesting, instead of writing about how wonderful and interesting they think they are.  And how everyone else thinks they are, too.

I'm sorry.  Sometimes I just get mad.  I just get so mad I could throw a bird out a window.

Friday, July 9, 2010

in the name of amazing relationships

The portrait of happiness.  May all our relationships be so full of love and common interests.  And snow peas.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

the great beasts of north america, vol. 3

Welcome to another edition of Great Beasts of North America.  Having hit the two top ugly faced females, you might be wondering, what about men??  Where are all the ugly men?  And I would have to think about that and compile a list.  And I don't feel like doing that.  But here's a lady who I think has man hands - I don't know in all honesty, I haven't seen them.  But I can imagine.  You will, too.  We'll do it together.

To be perfectly fair, I don't get a lot of people arguing with me on how beastly she is; however, the public must think she's pretty enough to look at on a big screen over and over again.  Since she's certainly not particularly distinctive or funny or even that oddly shaped and is put on loads of magazine covers, I fear I must conclude that people admire her general appearance.  They pay her to continue to look like she does...oh, mysteries of the world, will you never cease?

Anyway, welcome to the latest Great Beasts of North America:  another single and oft abandoned lady, after Jennifer Aniston's own  brawny face.  

Renee Zellweger
What happened to this lady's face??  She didn't just get older - something changed - like evil-curse-changed!  Like she did something terrible to a witch who then cast a spell enchanting her skin to envelop her eyes the more time that passed.  Look!  Look at her face!  And her eyebrows moved and her lips warped so I suppose obviously that's loads of plastic surgery but still.  Jeez.  LOUISE.
And in a lot of photos she is sort of looking like that plastic surgery cat lady and also the lady in that Christopher Guest movie who's married to that old guy and says they both really enjoy soup and talking and not talking - Jennifer Coolidge.
Now, I love Jennifer as much as the next fat person - but she's very squinty faced and same-nosed as Renee.  And Renee doesn't do herself any favors by standing next to prettier people.  Even when standing next to a person of unnatural skin color, she still sticks out as the sore thumb face.  Where are her peepers??  
And I'm not a huge fan of Charlize being orange.  She looks like an Oompa Loompa.  But she's an MRF, so I'll excuse her.
Moreover - I love pale skin and generally hate tans!  So you'd think I'd at least approve of Renee's sickly pallor, wouldn't you??  You would.  But you'd think dead wrong.  In fact, the more pale this one is, the more her features pop out at you like terrifying kernels of hot oily ugly popcorn.  And it also never does a lady any favors to assume a position as though one is sitting on a tiny toilet.  So avoid that in photos if possible.

And her body isn't ladylike at all!  She's super muscular and also bony and also yet very scrawny.  Very unappealing.  Not that I think being super voluptuous is the epitome of ladylikeness, because that can be simply overwhelming in certain cases.  Christina, for example, needs to do something because her bosom is about to explode or implode or I don't know but something terrible is about to happen here.
But, yikes.  Renee, I can see your insides from the outsides.
She looks like a compressed child-elf.  And if there's one thing I hate more than compression, it's children.  Just kidding.  It's Renee Zellweger.
I feel I should tell you though...I really enjoy Down With Love...in which she stars.  I also feel I should tell you....Ewan McGregor also stars...and he can overpower the ugly of Zellweger any day.  Probably on account of being Scottish or maybe because he can ride a motorcycle.  Probably one of those things.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

impossible!

I want to see this.


And how does this lady knit so tiny?  I can barely knit gigantic.  Needles with the dimension of a human hair.  Impossible!!  But possible!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Grade-A Weirdos, Vol. 1

Movies make really boring things seem really glamorous and fun.  Like whenever they paint a house or are driving somewhere in a movie and they use fun music and pretty colors, it makes me want to paint my house or drive somewhere.  Even though I'd usually stop halfway through both those things.  Or I'd get distracted by a delicious snack. And movies make weird kooks seem supercool and fun.  Whereas in real life I'd probably disregard, ignore, and/or throw something, be it hurtful words or objects, at them and run like the Charles Dickens. People may or may not think I'm a kook for whatever their personal problems are...sometimes I do things for no reason and without warning and refuse to do other things for any reason and with plenty of warning.  But.  In any event.  I like watching these people do the kooky things they do in movies and talk their silly ways and wear their nutty clothes and prance their prances.
Grade-A Weirdos


Sissy Spacek & Shelley Duvall


I group them together since they appear together in 3 Women, a movie about weirdos I don't entirely understand but can nevertheless really enjoy.   And you might be saying, "How can you enjoy something if you don't understand it??"  And I'd say, "Don't you enjoy the moon and the tides??  Don't you enjoy airplanes??  Don't you enjoy chocolate milk?  I don't understand any of that garbage, but I like it.  I LOVE it."  That's the end of that conversation.  I've made my point and you get just sit on it.


For this lesson, great examples of their Grade-A Weirdo qualities will be found in the aforementioned 3 Women, and then in The Shining, Badlands and Annie Hall.  So we begin with Badlands and Sissy.

Skip the movie trailer if you haven't seen it or watch it if you won't watch the movie.



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Now, Our Brief and Pointy Discussion of Sissy in Badlands-

In Badlands, we get Sissy being a real and true charming dunderhead.  She gets roped into Martin Sheen's killing spree.  But it's all so pretty and quirky, who really cares about the murders??  People, obviously.  But.  Sissy is not a murderer, she's an actress!  She's a freckly little star.  In the movie, she's so innocent and he's just a regular little gentleman as they frolic in the woods, play with batons, set fires, drive around, and kill a few people.  Romance and adventure and a balloon somewhere in there. And it's really just so pretty!  Prettyprettypretty.  See -



Grade-A Weirdo, through and through.  Not that being a Grade-A Weirdo makes you a dum-dum.  She's not entirely in her altogethers some big dummy dum-dum.  She can twirl a baton and play piano!  Those are both skills I plan on developing.  Who wouldn't be jealous  of a baton-twirling piano-player?  Anyway, we both like shorts.  And wear them.  And we like riding in cars.  Other than the whole killing people thing, I could really get on board with this simpleton.  She likes a guy who hates litter.  I like guys who hate litter, too!  They get on just fine.  They have a nice little life for a bit playing house in the forest.  What's a house in a forest?  A cabin?  But they live in a tree, so a tree house, I guess.  They play tree house.  It makes me want to build a treehouse and then live in it.  But maybe someone else could build it and I could supervise.  Or they could point me at things and direct me.  I'm no builder.  I'm a creator, but not a builder.  I'm a destroyer, but not a builder.  I just want to play tree house.

And some people might watch this movie and decide to come to my tree house.  They would pull the string that rings the bell by my bed.  I would get up and go to the window.   They would look at me all mad and fat-faced and yell, "HEY!  These kids are terrible.  They need jobs!  You need to live in a house house, not a tree house!  A tree is no life for a man!  A man is not a bird!  A man is not a squirrel, nor a bug!  Get out of that tree!"

And I'd say, "WHOA!  Whoa, there.  A lot of houses are made of trees - so BAM!  You're in a tree house already.  I'll bet that blew your mind wide open.  And living in a tree house is a job!  You could get knocked over or blown over or intimidated by those birds, squirrels and bugs you speak of so cavalierly at any moment!  The greatest people can be brought down by the smallest of bugs!  I almost couldn't sleep in my bed because a spider was in it!  And I'm much taller than a spider.  MUCH.  And I had to throw out a sandwich because another tiny bug was on it!  And need I remind you of my squirrel poo almost-disaster??  And giant birds can be scary.  Like an ostrich.  Those things are nuts.  Have you seen their eggs?  They'd make you an omelet so big it'd make you sick if you ate it all at once.  And how couldn't you??  These are powerful creatures.  Get in a tree and live the life and then you may speak from a place of knowledge - a TREE of knowledge!"  I probably wouldn't yell at you so much.  Maybe not at all.  Maybe I'd just drop my soilings bucket out the window of my tree house and let you shake hands with the business end of that.  Maybe.  But who is to say.  I am.  I am to say.  And I would.
A tree house, a free house,
A secret you and me house,
A high up in the leafy branches
Cozy as can be house.
A street house, a neat house,
Be sure and wipe your feet house
Is not my kind of house at all-
Let's go live in a tree house.


Stay tuned for Grade-A Weirdos, Vol.2 - in which we discuss Shelley Duvall in Annie Hall.