At its best, life is cotton candy and trampolines. That means fluffy and bouncy and preferably pink. It means your teeth hurt and your hands are sticky and also you shouldn't land on your head. If you have the free time and money to attend venues and events that sell cotton candy, you're in great shape. And if you own a trampoline - you are the best and I want to be invited to the trampoline.
I recently discovered an old chalk board on which I had drawn my dream house. This included a room made entirely out of trampolines, a pool on the roof, a tunnel to the atrium (NOTE - There is no atrium in the drawing), a snack bar (NOTE - There is no kitchen), an insane room and, naturally, a shoe holder. I had some big plans. And most of this still sounds appealing to me. Oh, there's also a garden, though the rest of the backyard is TBD. In real life people don't build houses like that...but I think they should.
Kind of how I imagine it would be like living inside of that temple from Legends of the Hidden Temple. Although I wouldn't want those terrifying people in costume jumping out at me.
That just seems like it would be the worst. Though it would be kind of funny to hire a weirdo to live in a secret cupboard in your house to jump out at you, but only if you put some crazy broken ceramic (or probably plastic or foam or whatever, I JUST DON'T KNOW) monkey together again.
And it would be neat to be that weirdo because when people asked you about your job you could tell them how all you do is sit in a secret cupboard and wait for the day some dumb old jerks reassemble some stupid monkey and then the panel you hide behind flies open and you get to jump out and hand them a letter or a key or a cookie or something - YES. A cookie - and your job would be a HUMAN COOKIE JAR! So in your secret cupboard/pantry you'd have an oven where you had to keep fresh cookies going all day. And the people living in the house would want to find you to stop the smell of cookies from going all the time. I mean, I love the smell of cookies but I imagine you'd probably get sick of it. And sick of the idea of having some weirdo hanging out inside your walls making cookies. But I suspect I digress.
And apparently Bill Gates has a trampoline room - or a room that's got a trampoline and a 20 foot high ceiling. So he's pretty neat. And I guess all I need is lots of billions of dollars to achieve my trampoline room dream. Bill should just hack that room out of his house and give it to me. Do you really see him taking a break from whatever it is he does and just jumping around for an hour? I don't. I can see me doing that. I have a good amount of free time and not enough trampolines in my life. You know what I do have? A pumpkin spice candle.
And it smells like pie whenever I want it to now. I think we can safely say Bill Gates isn't the only one who has something about which to toot his horn. In fact, if I went head to head with Bill in the whose life is awesome category, I think it would be a pretty tight race!! Watch -
Laura v Bill
ROUND ONE - IN XMAS COLORS!
Bill Gates gives millions to charities. I used to bake cupcakes and give them to people just to brighten their days. Bill Gates did that whole mess of computer stuff. I once helped a friend drop a computer on the floor by accident and it lived. Bill Gates lives in a magical funland of a mansion. My house has ghosts who live in it - FRIENDLY ghosts. Bill Gates has more than a million Twitter followers. I have 2 followers. And joined only because Steve Martin did. And also Twitter is dumb.
So, as you can see. Bill Gates probably never baked anyone a cake - advantage Laura. Bill Gates probably never accidentally hurt a computer physically and saw it live, while I accidentally drop all sorts of technology gizmos and they survive because I have an enchanted touch - advantage Laura. Bill Gates would probably invent some zany ghostbusting device if he saw a ghost because he's smart like that, while Laura is a friend to friendly ghosts - advantage Laura. It's better to have two good friends than a million stinky minions - JUST KIDDING - advantage Bill.
But I like Bill. And I think we can share all the cotton candy and trampolines. I really do.
Autumn is the best of all the seasons. It even gets another name - FALL! That's how you know when something is the best of all things - when it has more than one name. Like the more nicknames you have the more the best of all things you are. Think about your favorite person, for example, and if you really like them you probably don't even remember their real name because you have so many special names for them. And if you don't, you should probably start coming up with them.
Anyway. I love FALL. My birthday is in it. And Halloween. And all my family members have their birthdays in the Autumn time, too.
And there are a whole bunch of things about this season that just tickle me pink. For example-
BOBBING for APPLES
This activity is something I have never done. But it tickles me pink on account of how disgusting it is. A bunch of people stick their faces into a pot of water and try to get their gummy teeth around and apple. Imagine how much saliva and skin oil is in that water! But nobody seems much to mind. People don't mind a lot of things they should. Also, imagine if some outerspace creatures came across these images as historical documents.
Without explanation, what would they think? We look so uncivilized. We force children to festoon themselves with makeup and costumery and they can only eat if we tie their hands behind their backs and line them up in front of a bucket of water filled with floating fruit. That's pretty weird.
Another thing I love about Fall -
They're like sleeping bags for your feet. That's really all I have to say about that.
And PUMPKIN SOUP
And even better than pumpkin soup is pumpkin soup served INSIDE A PUMPKIN!
I mean, you can't eat the shell of the pumpkin, but you could totally scrape down the sides. The best edible bowl is obviously the bread bowl the clam chowder is served in at Disneyland. It's funny, because if someone was like, "HEY - let's go get clam chowder at Disneyland!" I would totally be on board that ship. But if you really think about it - it's clam chowder being served at a theme park. And that's kind of gross. It makes me think of if there was a place that served a fast food version of Thanksgiving. But then my imagination runs WILD and I imagine there are tiny turkeys they would serve in french fry cartons. Like a whole bird miniaturized. And that really is gross.
Anyway, the point about pumpkin soup is that I'm pretty sure it's mostly made of cream. And if you know me at all, you all know I would endlessly drink Heavy Whipping Cream and/or Half and Half and/or Non-Dairy Creamer That They Leave on Diner Tables In Those Tiny Cups with the Pullback Lids if it wouldn't clog up all my precious arteries and thicken my organs and generally lead to a probably slow and delicious death. And, yes, that's really gross, too.
I love dressing up for things. And this is the best season for costumes.
Look at Happy Jamie and Sad Jamie in his Pea Suit. There's nothing like being sad in a ridiculous costume. It's like that time I saw a girl riding a bicycle while sobbing. It was just FUNNY. Don't be sad when you're doing or wearing something funny if you want people to feel bad for you. Or at least not laugh at you. Because I will laugh at you.
Blankets are just the best. This one here is really nice on account of it incorporates sheep.
And to make it even a finer thing for life - a totally useless blanket holder!! Because sometimes holding a blanket in your hands is just too much. I suppose you could argue the holder thingy would give you a free hand, but you could just toss your blanket around you like a cape. And last I checked it's way cooler to wear a blanket as a cape then to purchase a leather device to carry it like a lady's purse. In case you were curious, I last checked at the age of 7.
I love books all year round, but this is the best season in which to read them. I'd tell you what you should read, but you won't listen because you think you know better. So instead, look at these neat things made out of books!! (And also they're made of casette tapes a little I think)
Jamie Oliver is the best. You know, the man who cooks things and had that TV show where he tried to show kids in American schools how fat and nasty they were because they're eating garbage? And the kids didn't even know the names of vegetables! And they wanted to eat some disgusting nugget he made out of gross chicken parts like skin and bones that he only made to show them how gross it was! Kids are the worst. Some of them that are most, at least, probably. Just kidding. They don't know any better I guess. But they should learn or something. From Jamie. We all should.
Anytoots. Do you know his kids' names?? You will in a minute - hopefully less than a minute depending on your reading skills, which I hope are not atrocious because that'd be embarrassing for you probably- The names are:
and a new one named Buddy Bear Maurice.
These are the best names for kids. They're like names for cats or dogs. In fact, I might have to adopt four kittens and puppies just to name them Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, Petal and Buddy Bear Maurice. Or I could bake desserts and name them those things. Or discover a small colony of sprite-like people living in a pea pod, free them of their native names and re-name them those names.
I'm not much for babies, but if you could name them like animals I think it'd be a different story. I think people would like their kids a lot more if they were more like puppies and kittens. I mean, I know people already love their kids and that's mostly because they have to. But they'd totally actually like them if they were like little fuzzy animals who do the darndest people-like things! People aren't cute when they do people-like things because they're already people!! Sure, dogs are cute when they do dog-like things, but dog-like things are so much cuter than people-like things. And then when they do a people thing?? It is just too much.
Like, I can sit in a chair. Watch! I'll try it three times!
And now look at this dog sitting like a people in a chair -
There's no contest! This little gentleman is just so much more adorable! And I had three chances! And I'm already adorable! Imagine the heights of this pup's adorability if he beat me in just one sit!
Anyway, Jamie is supercool and had some crazy garden and grows these crazy purple Hyacinth beans. They are purple!! They have purple shells!!
Why has nobody told me about this?? I love foods in unexpected colors! Yellow tomatoes. And. Uh. Whatever. I'm sure there are other ones. I'm imagining a blue donut, but I was thinking more like things that grow. And I've never seen a donut tree. At least not a blue one. WAIT - there are crazy colored carrots. I like those guys.
I've gotten off track here.
The point probably is - I want to go adopt some baby animals. And another point probably is I want a snack. And a last point, since points come in threes except on stars and in The Point and a lot of other things, is you should name your babies after animals - i.e. Wizard, Cowboy, Bandit, Moose, Biscuit, Flower and Flour. Yes. Flour. With a 'u' - just for the whynot of it. Just because you can.
We all love eating. We all know we look adorable while eating. But are we this adorable?
We all love tea. We all love jasmine tea. I started drinking only jasmine tea because of this clip. Yes, I'm easily influenced by anything I see.
But at least I have the decency to admit it. What do you have?? Your dignity?? What good is dignity if you can't be honest with yourself, folks? Do you really want to be a dignified liar? No. You can't be. It's pretty much impossible.
If we know anything about liars, it's going to be from the movie Liar, Liar. Jim Carrey didn't have dignity in Liar, Liar and everyone thought he stank! In the movie, I mean. We're supposed to hate him at first. We all love Liar, Liar in real life. And Jim Carrey is pretty all right, I guess. Anyway, he was a liar on top of having no dignity! Except his neglected kid still kind of liked him because he hadn't yet learned that you don't have to like somebody just because they're your family. But I love my family because they're supercool. So this isn't really about me. But I'm here for you people. You and your dysfunction. Back to Jim. And his fake kid.
His fake kid who didn't want him to be a liar, but didn't care so much about the dignity thing. I think we can all get on board with that kid. I'll get on board. That kid wanted his dad to be honest, so much so that he didn't care that his pops would socially-incapacitated because of it. We should all take a page out of Jim Carrey's movie son. Or his book. You shouldn't take a page out of a little kid. That's probably inappropriate somehow.
Let's all be honest with ourselves. Whether that's deciding not to wear skinny pants because of your fat legs or that you're only drinking that jasmine tea because "It's Jasmine." Or admitting you lie about having read dumb books your friends have read - admit you're lying to yourself, not to your friends. They would think you're totally weird for having lied about a book anyway. People don't even need real books now that you can read them all tiny on your iPhone. And what better and more enjoyable way is there to read than on a tiny electronic device with pages the size of playing cards? Everything is better when it's tiny! Except for a lot of things - like books, movies, pickles, checks, forks, dogs, paintings, beds and ice cubes...just to name a few. But I read books. Because I'm smart like that. I like words.
I think books should be big and made of paper and whatever other guck out of which they make books! Books say you have dignity! You see a man with a book, you think - There's a man with dignity. Maybe he has no pants, but he has dignity. Maybe he's wearing a shoe as a hat and that's not right, but you don't even notice because you're thinking - Gee Moses Loving Cup, look at the dignity on that fellow! Absolutely falling out of his bottom. You know what the first image to pop up is when I google dignity??
Yeah. That's Hilary Duff. Lizzie McGuire, folks. She has dignity. She married a man who looks like a foot and a cow together at once. I think that says it all. I don't know much about Hilary. But I know she would never do anything undignified.
Nope. Not one undignified thing to her name.
You know who else has dignity coming out her well-toned bottom?? Marisa Tomei, that's who. And she hula hoops. Hula hooping is adorable.
And maybe you're thinking - HEY - she wasn't so dignified when she flashed her chachahulahays in that movie where she stripped!! Was she?? And I would say to you - I didn't see that movie! It doesn't count. And maybe she was dignified. Did you ever think of that, you close-minded troglodytes? Can there be no stripping that is dignified? That seems just impossible! I'm gonna go look for my old hula hoop.
Or watch The Hudsucker Proxy. Whatever.
Coming soon -
My VIDEOReview of Things I Saw & Read This Summer -