So we last saw Albert Finney looking like a Grumposaurus Rex. This led me to think about Mean Old Dog Face Men. And, more specifically, scoundrels - Mean Old Dog Faced or not. Why is it scoundrels in life and in moving pictures are so excusable? Why is their charm so charming that it pardons bad behaviors? Things that most people simply could not do and still be welcome at a dining table festooned and set for Christmas roast beast!!
This applies to gentleman, young and old. And upon further examination we will see why women cannot act in a manner most unpleasant and live to charm the pants off people another day. First case in point - Billy Liar. He is kind of useless and lives in an imaginary world. And I think he says he's engaged to several ladies.
Which in most cases is something only a grade-A jerk would do. But Billy is just so very adorable about what a turd he is. He lies about everything to everybody.
But he makes it work enough to get Julie Christie to run away with him.
But he really pooches the screws on the whole thing and ends up leaving her on a train to go to London by herself. Somehow she likes him even though he's a liar, and has a boring real life for the most part and tells her about a fantasy world he imagines himself in all the time called Ambrosia. But he's spritely and wears clothes nicely so it's okay. And in the end he pretends he needs some milk from a machine in a train station. This is how Julie Christie is rewarded for her foolishness.
Although this leads my thoughts to a particular scoundrel-woman, who sort of gets away with her bad behavior. But she has to pay for it in the end, I suppose. And this lady is the baddest of all kinds of bad things. She is a movie Nazi! And she seduces Harrison Ford. AND his movie father! That's right, gents and ladies, I'm talking about Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. And, that's right again, I'm talking about Elsa Schneider.
I know what you're thinking. How can I even write about this woman? She is a movie Nazi, as mentioned AND she seduces my favorite man in the world, Harrison, as mentioned. But you're forgetting a couple things. The more important of which is that her real life last name is DOODY! But she is a scoundrel through and through. Doody can't change everything - it can't change that.
Foremostly, she is a liar. Second mostly, she sleeps with two men of a father and son relation in order to get what she wants.
She is manipulative and let's not forget the jerk Nazi bit. But she's kind of lovable at being horrible. She's super glamorous and has nice hairstyles. And she's pretty. And she and Harrison are just precious together.
And she's more of an opportunist that a total Nazi. But it's really not cool of her to be cool with Nazis just to get what she wants. That's so uncool. It's about as uncool as I was when I was 16 and asked for a new sleeping mask as a birthday gift. Well. Actually. She's way more uncool. But you get the point.
The one thing that makes her less of a scamp is that she allows herself to fall down a big hole in the ground in a seriously dumb way just because she wanted Jesus' special gold sippy cup.
And, thus, as said before - she will not live to charm the pants off someone another day. Sure, this is just one woman, but, as usual, women fall pray to the trap of just being crazy jerks, whereas men get to be charming turds. Just look at Goldie Hawn being a jerk hippie weirdo in all the movies from her days of yore. At least let's look at the terrible film, Butterflies Are Free.
She spends a good amount of time bopping around with this blind guy and she is being so kooky - just so kooky, you wouldn't believe - and then she acts like a total jerk and it's not so kookily charming anymore. To be honest, I never found her charming in the first place. And then she's a jerk to a blind guy! He is BLIND! You can't do that. So, perhaps this is an unfortunate example. But perhaps not. Because even if he could see, her scoundrelly ways towards him are not cute and are not at all charming enough. I guess she prances about in her underwear a lot - which most scoundrelly men never really have to do. So it is unclear where the fault sits at this dinner table.
Anyway. If you're a girl. If you want to be a lovable scoundrel, the first rule is probably not to die by slipping down a hole for a goblet. Or to die in any foolish way. Like getting killed in a drunk motorboat accident. Second rule is definitely don't be mean to blind people. Don't be mean to any people really. Unless you can be super adorable about it, or at least so clever at it that people don't notice you're really being mean. Third rule is if you're not really sure where you're sitting on the scale between lovable kook and nasty piece of ladypants, it's not gonna hurt anyone's case to prance around in your underwear. It might not help much, but it's not gonna hurt. Unless you spill something hot on yourself. Or your underwear is tattered and worn and not up to impressing a hobo down the lane. Then just keep it to yourself. Inside your clothes.
We will conclude with one more scamp of a man to book end this lesson. Hmm...a scoundrel...who could we discuss - I KNOW WHO! I KNOW TWO WHOS WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT. Michael Caine and Steve Martin in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
Two jerks trying to trick ladies and steal money. And they charm the pants off everybody!! Really, there's not much that needs to be said about this film. Other than these two dopes can be jerks to me any day. Mostly on account I have no fortune to steal...well. Actually. Mostly on account of they are some of the best men ever.
Today I went to a Planetarium. It took me from inside Earth to outer space to moons of Jupiter and Saturn and some other place I believe was called Mars. Jodie Foster was my tour guide. If there's someone I generally can't get on board with as a person, it's Jodie Foster. But as a narrator, she gets an A+.
Anyway. I can't get on board because Jodie just has a mean cat's face. Even when she is happy, there is a mean cat living behind her face waiting to pounce and scratch. There are a few actresses with mean cat faces. And no matter how good a job they do making me believe they're someone else, I can't get past their mean cat faces.
Like Helen Hunt.
Look at her mean cat face! Her eyebrows are just disdainful and pitying. For no good reason. I don't know Helen Hunt and I don't appreciate her looking at me in that way she does. There are some people who just have faces that make you think that no matter what they say, they're going to have a rotten egg's attitude about it. And you can't help thinking things about people when you look at them! You just can't.
That's why millionaires rarely grow 8-foot long beards and foot-long nails while conserving their bodily fluids in jars surrounding their person.
Not never. But rarely. Because then people would know how completely crazypants their brains are. Millionaires appear normal so all their disgusting behaviors go unnoticed. You wouldn't notice the penguin in a penguin suit - you'd notice the penguin not in a penguin suit, the naked penguin. And nobody ever wasn't at least a little bit scared of Bernard The Naked Crazy Penguin. PS I also saw penguins today.
I suppose, however, a person can't help their face. But a man can have a mean old dog face and I can still totally like him. Like Albert.
He kind of looks like he'd ask you for a sandwich and then when you bring him the sandwich he'd tell you very politely that he never asked for such a thing and then he'd smash it right in your fat face. But I'd still kind of be like, "Oh, that's just cute!" Unless he smashed it in my particular face. I like my face unsmashed and unmashed. But if I saw him do that to someone else I probably would think he was still kind of adorable. Not so with mean cat face ladies. Like Kristen Stewart.
If a mean cat face lady asked for a can of cat food and then when you bring her the cat food she says she only eats Fancy Feast and not the dreck you've given her and then she smashes the can in your face, chipping your favorite tooth...well, let's just say I would most certainly not be like, "Oh, that girl is just incorrigible!"
But I suppose it's much easier for a man to get away with being jerky and it being charming than a lady. Ladies are always coming off crazy for the most part.
But who am I to judge? I'm only as good as the following - which is pretty darn tootin' good!!
This post has been brought to you by grumpy puppy face Albert.
Sometimes things you don't expect jump out of the blue an slap you in the face. And you're like, "HEY!" And sometimes things you don't expect jump out of the blue and lightly tap you on the bottom and you're like, "Oh! Oh, my..." - and this occurrence was more like a tap on the bottom than a slap on the face:
Minding my own beeswax, eating toast and bacon while watching the television - who should I see but Jon Hamm on Gilmore Girls. BAM!
He and the old Gilmore go on a date. But she finds him boring because he's so rich and wants to take her to a David Bowie concert - the MONSTER!! He talked about his fancy fancy car and fancy fancy wine - JERK! And then she decides she won't go see Bowie with him because he was such a snooze and a half.
I hate boring dates as much as the next fat person - but I'd probably tolerate them slightly if the guy was Jon Hamm with a dumb name (Peyton) and the end result would be David Bowie. Even if he is all old and kind of like a lady lizard now.
And even if he and Finola Hughes are the same person. Finola is a soap opera star lady who I best know from hosting the wonderful makeover show "How Do I Look?"
She seriously could be him. I suspect they are the same person. They both love costumes and having the same face.
Anyway. Back to Hamm. As stated, Hamm plays a man named Peyton. Men shouldn't be named Peyton. You know who should be? Books. Or movies. Like Peyton Place.
I think certain boredoms can be excused on a terrible date and some cannot. Boredoms to excuse include boring conversations while taking a private jet to a private island, boring television programs being watched while sitting in a private mansion on top of a private mountain range, and observing boring jungle cats doing nothing but sitting on their fat cat butts in a private zoo in a private country.
Unfortunately my terrible dates involve none of these things. And so none of the boredoms I have suffered are excusable.
SEGWAY TO -
I love that fat green witch from Bugs Bunny. I love that fat old bean.
You know who I don't understand? Andy Richter. As far as I can tell, from watching what totals out as about 1 hour of Conan's show, he doesn't do anything at all. All he does is sit in the chair next to the celebrity being interviewed and interject things that aren't funny or interesting or anything. Then Conan and his guest have to sort of acknowledge him in that way when you're talking to someone you know about something some third person knows nothing about and that third person tries to involve themselves in the conversation and it just makes everyone want to cringe.
Anyway. Witch Hazel. Watch the following. And be aware of how strongly I identify with Hansel and Gretel. Hansel? Hansel...? Hansel.......??