Wednesday, December 21, 2011

where are your manners

Hey. HEY. I'm mad. Mad as a four-fingered fatty being sucked down a sink-hole.
You know why? People are being just rude. Rude, I say! It's the holiday times and I know people got lots on their plates and loads in their pants, but let's remember our manners - shall we? Here are some helpful tips:

1) You shouldn't be talking to people like they're bad dogs.

I didn't pee in your bed or poop in your shoe, so don't snap or yell at me for no reason.

2) If you're wearing sunglasses and staring at a group of people, don't assume the person you want to direct your question to knows you're looking at them.
They can't see your eyes! Also, it's cloudy. You're inside. Take off your damn glasses.

3) If you're in a left turn lane, pull into the intersection so more than one person can get through the light. Don't sit on your fat butt and not move after I politely tap my horn to indicate you should be going, and don't continue to sit on your fat butt when I blare my horn at you indicating you just let not one single person, including your dumb butt self, get through the light.

4) If I'm an employee in a store and I tell you the thing you want is out of stock, asking for it in a ruder way and/or insulting me and/or the store and/or just staring at me isn't going to get you the thing you want that you don't really need anyway.

5) Don't pretend you didn't notice the long line of people who are waiting in a line. We all saw you notice it and pretend to ignore it.

If you're thinking of being rude, just don't. Pretend like Emily Post is watching you.
You probably don't want her disapproval. And if you don't give to craps about Emily, pretend someone you would be embarrassed to be rude in front of is watching you. There's no reason to be rude! It's the holidays! 

It's time for cookies and scarves and merrymaking! So calm yourselves. For those of you who act like nice people, you're super cool. Now, let's talk about holiday cheer.

I LOVE IT! As a child I loved The Jolly Postman and at Christmas time, The Jolly Christmas Postman.
This is a great book wherein you get to read other people's mail, which is illegal in real life! It's so much fun!
I also really liked these books that came with charm necklace thingies. The original is just called The Magic Locket. But for Christmas I liked reading the wintry one, The Shiny Skates.
And my last Christmas book recommendation that is a book for children is Beany Wakes Up For Christmas.
It's about Scamp Squirrel making a merry Christmas for Beany Bear who's hibernating because it's winter, y'all. It's adorable. You should read it while sitting on this bean bag shaped like a bear.

In conclusion, for Christmas, calm down and have a candy cane and be nice to everybody. Sit on a pretend bear chair and read some kid's books. It'll all be okay. Merry merry. Jolly jolly. Holiday.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

xmas magic

It's Xmas time again, as it comes every year, and this year I really want to celebrate the magic of XMAS.
This is my dog, Hobbes. He really gets into the Xmas spirit. Being in a city wherein it never snows, I need to make my own Xmas spirit. Some things that get me into the Xmas spirit are drinking hot chocolate and pumpkin lattes while on break from work.

Or hot apple cider, if I'm at home.
Any hot and toasty beverage is an easy way to drink in the spirit of Xmas. Before you know, you'll be possessed by Santa Claus himself! You'll be attach your dogs to your wagon and start lashing away with a "HOHOHO!" You'll break into houses! You'll stomp on rooftops. You'll do it all. You'll see.

Another Xmas beverage I enjoy is Coke. I love Coke. More than Pepsi. And who does Xmas better than Coke? 
Look at that chubby Santa. He totally forgets what he's doing when he has his Coke. The guy deserves a break! He really gets around for a guy who isn't in the best of physical condition. He's kind of like a giant gnome. Like David the Gnome. Remember him?

I remember one scary episode with some sort of weird Ice Queen who held David captive or something. David is a weird name for a gnome when I think about it. I feel like they should be named after fruits or flowers or vegetables. Like, Butternut Squash. Or Bluebell. Or Banana.

Okay. Hold the phone. What the F. I just read about what happens in the David the Gnome show and in the last episode they die. THEY DIE. This is a children's show. The whole last episode is how it's time for them to die and they go up into the mountains and die. I don't remember that at all. Maybe they didn't air it on Nickelodeon for some crazy reason. I feel as though that would've made an impression on me.

I remember the episode where their fox gets his foot caught in a trap, for example. That was disturbing. But probably not as disturbing as watching a gnome and his gnome wife die. They turn into trees. What. the. Flip. That is awful. I wonder if Maya the Bee also died. Let's check it out.
It's okay - she was never killed. Though her friend - who I think was named Willy - looks basically totally drunk all the time.

But I'm getting off topic. This was about the magic of Xmas. I love the smell of gingerbread and how cute they are but I HATE eating gingerbread. I hate with the fire of a thousand Xmas stars.
And I love presents. I LOVE'EM. Who doesn't, really? But I love giving them, getting them, ripping them open and wrapping them. In fact, I'm gonna go wrap up some special things right now - for some very special people and pets. I have to go do it right now. More on Xmas later. Or gnomes. Or bees. We'll see. We'll all see.

Friday, November 18, 2011

robot makeover time!!

So the other day I realized I was able to watch Netflix and junk from my Xbox. The other day I also realized you can voice command my Xbox. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I can shout at my Xbox and it will do my bidding, within reason. It's not about to make me a pumpkin pie or kill that cricket in my bathroom or even tell me Netflix's suggestions for me are actually terrible, but by gum it'll Play Video 3, Fast Forward and Pause to my heart's content and like there's no tomorrow and like it's its job!

This got me thinking about great robots in history. And how they provide some good inspiration for makeovers!!!! And so we begin our journey into great robots and how we can look more like them.

Obviously, number one is going to be Vicki from Small Wonder. This is obvious because it, I mean she, is the first robot that popped into my noodle.

I really liked this robot. But she was also kind of scary. In this photo it looks like her human mom figure is praying for her. Probably because Vicki rarely smiled. If there was one thing I'd program my robot kid to do, it would be smile occasionally for appropriate reasons. But she's a good robot at heart. At circuit board, I mean. I don't think robots have hearts...

FASHION FLASH TIP: If you want to look like Vicki try some of the following looks.
Next up, a less human robot, but still ever-grumpy. That's right, it's BOX. From Logan's Run. You can find him in the sidebar of this blog!
BOX kind of had a one track mind and may seem somewhat evil and prone to trying to kill people, but he's just doing his job! Do you get angry with teachers for trying to make people learn? No! So don't get angry with BOX for being a grumpy robot obsessed with fish, plankton, sea greens and proteins from the sea. So he says 'sea' twice in one sentence - he's a regular robot, not a thesaurusbot!

FASHION FLASH TIP: If you want to look like BOX, try some of the following looks.
Or if you're more into seaweed than robots - go with this little number.
Then we have Inspector Gadget of Inspector Gadget. Okay, so I think he might not have been a robot? He has a niece, right? He's a dude who's also a robot? Whatever. In any event, the Inspector was cool because he had an arch-nemesis and a lot of cool gadgets.

FASHION FLASH TIP: If you want to look like Inspector Gadget, try some of the following looks.
And don't forget some gadgets. Stuff'em in your bag to pull out at a moment's notice. Or have them surgically attached to your feet or your face or whatever.

Robots are the best, whether they're trying to look like humans or embracing their botness. If people tried to be more like robots we would all be happier and more stylish. Or possibly grumpier and more murdery. These three robots have taught me that there's more to robots than just wires and junk. They can have interests - like the ocean or crime or wearing pinafores. 

I hope if robots go to college they have a class for them called Robotany. If you're a robot and go to robot college, please let me know if you take Robotany. It's urgent.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

why so sad??

Audrey Hepburn is always crying! What's she got to cry about? She's totally stylish and pretty and has a cool funny accent and handsome dudes are always in love with her. But she's always weeping! Take a poop. By 'poop' I mean 'look.'


Look at poor Audrey. Sitting in a tree crying. Over some dance she can't go to because she's just too dumpy and simple. This totally reminds me of the time I sat in a bush weeping while watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I guess here Audrey cries because it's relatable. Who hasn't sat amongst foliage while tearing up over feeling left out? The answer? Nobody.


There she is crying again. This is more understandable since she has to say good bye forever to Gregory Peck. But it's not like she's sweating it - she gets to go back to be a princess and eating hundred dollar bills stuffed with caviar and whatever it is princesses do. Don't get me wrong, I'd cry over Gregory Peck but if she really wanted to she could just order him to the palace and hire him to count her bacons at breakfast or something. There are ways around saying good bye to Gregory Peck. But I guess I cry when I say good bye to my dog every time I leave the house so...

Audrey is also available in Crying High-Class Callgirl
Lovesickly Crying Model Bride
Depressingly Crying Dysfunctionally Married Wife
Sadly Crying Accused Lesbian Teacher
Hysterically Crying In a Phone Booth b/c A Man is Throwing Matches on You
Quietly Crying at a Train Station
Happily Crying Audrey

And many more! If Audrey ain't crying, it ain't a real picture show. I guess to be more like Audrey I should start crying more. 

I already cry a lot, so - just MORE. I can cry over salad, over filling my car with gas, over cold tea and hot pizza, over waiting for the microwave to do its business, over spaghettis with no meatballs, over meatballs that are really squares, over missing my favorite TV programmes, and   over other food-related issues - ultimately - I can cry over crying! That's the dream. That's the Audrey Hepburn Dream.



Wednesday, October 26, 2011

ode to old bags

Note: By "old bags" I'm referring to cranky old British ladies in movies and TV.

Here's to the cranks and the old sassy crones
Here's to the ladies and their big fancy homes
Here's to their rotten kids and festooned little dogs
Here's to their fat hats and all their ritzy togs
Most of all here's to me for writing this to them
And for how I am a dear, a darling, and a shiny little gem

That was partially an ode to me, but whatever. I really like matriarch type mean ladies from period pieces. They have money, attitude and style. They're usually pretty nasty, which makes them fairly interesting. Though most of the time if you're a jerk in real life I'm not gonna like you. Unless we're being jerks together behind someone else's back. You shouldn't be a turd to someone's face. That's just rude and smelly.
Just look at Dame Judi Dench. First off, in real life she's a dame so she's already basically a champion of life. Then she nails playing the domineering captain of film on several occasions. We have her in The Importance of Being Earnest always trying to shut everyone down and succeeding most of the time. She's a power player.
In Pride and Prejudice she does it again. Just look at the size of her 'do. Look how serious she is. This is who we ladies need to aspire to. She totally doesn't want anyone to have any fun at all in this movie. Once again, she almost succeeds! She never quite manages to totally ruin everyone's good time in film..or does she??
She does. She does it in Shakespeare in Love. She totally ruins Shakespeare's love life, insults people in public, tramps through mud puddles and makes a chick move to a new world that's across an entire ocean for no good reason. Judi has got it going on. Why can't more people be like Judi is in all these movies? Sure, she never really smiles or seems to have that great a time, but how can you be worried about fun and games when you're busy being rich and heavily coiffed??

Next, let us hop on over to Cranford. A miniseries in which Judi appears, but plays not the rotten old bag but the nicest lil lady in town. However, no British town ever went without an old bag of its very own and Cranford is no exception. Just check out Lady Ludlow:
Just kidding. That's a cow in pajamas. I just wanted you all to know you must watch Cranford because there's a cow in pajamas on the show. COW IN PAJAMAS. Here's real Lady Ludlow who is not cow-like at all:
She really is a mean old poop. Her son is an even bigger poop. But as far as mean old poops go, she's pretty cool. Physically, she's not exactly a tough old bird, seeing as how she's pretty spindly and weak most of the time, but she's got a supercool house and totally doesn't want to sell her land to a railway company so they can destroy her feudal empire. She's like a fortress of a lady. Cranford is also home to Mrs. Jamieson and her wonderful dog Giuseppe.

They are both always dressed to the nines and Mrs. Jamieson travels in a chair/hut thing that's carried around by two guys. Kind of wonderful. She's really horrible to her friends - especially when she tells them all that their not good enough to meet her sister-in-law. Poor Giuseppe probably didn't feel that way, but what's he supposed to do? He's busy wearing a dress and a bow in his hair. Mrs. Jamieson gets her comeuppance though. But without ladies like Mrs. Jamieson we wouldn't even know what comeuppance is! So thank you to the Mrs. Jamieson's of the world and your comeuppances. Oh, and hey look it's Tim Curry.
Looking like as chubby a magician grinch as ever.

Then another Dame. The great Dame Maggie Smith. What's with these dames having such informal first names? Shouldn't it be Dame Judith Dench? Dame Magaret Smith? What's next - Dame Tootie Ramsey?
I don't think so, Tootie. Anyway. Maggie Smith. She hits up the old crank role about as much as Judi. We got her in Gosford Park:

Just look how unhappy the chick is doing up her necklace. And look how much like a snippety bird Maggie is. I want some unhappy loser to do up my necklaces for me. And tie my shoes and cut my spaghettis. A gal can dream...dream I do.  I do. Mags is also a firecracker in Downton Abbey. Which for a really long time I thought was spelled Downtown Abbey but pronounced Downton. Which is dumb and makes no sense. But that's ME. I'm LAURA. I'm dumb. I make no sense. Just kidding. I'm cool and smart. Like a cow in pajamas.
Look how commanding she is. A powerful lady should always have a powerful hat. Back in the olden days the bigger their head or the thing on it, the more powerful they were. 

When I'm a mature and terrifyingly wealthy and iron-fisted lady, I will have the biggest hat you've ever seen. The biggest hat you've ever dreamed. You can count on it. But I won't let you. I won't let you count. At all.