Saturday, February 12, 2011

clearly candianly

I apologize dearly and Clearly Canadian.

Remember Clearly Candian?  I do.  On account of drinking loads of it once upon a time.

I've been traveling.  And tomorrow will offer you my expert advice in the form of travel tips.  Until then - I briefly discuss the following portion of a sentence I read that was part of a larger piece of writing -

"a man who (reluctantly) ate his own cousin"

Why in the blue blazes do they need to mention it was reluctantly?  And stuffed inside of parentheses, no less.  That's crazy for a possibly a couple of reasons.  

ONE

OBVIOUSLY the man didn't want to eat his cousin.  And that man might read that sentence and be offended thinking people might read that he ate his cousin and think it was because he wanted to.  That the man did it willingly and happily but the wise and sophisticated writer would not and passes judgment in a snooty parenthetical.  There are many valid reasons for the man to take offense.  

Maybe he thinks he OBVIOUSLY wouldn't want to eat his cousin because he's gross and gamey.  And maybe his cousin wasn't the slightest bit tasty-looking.  All fat and no muscle.  Maybe his cousin was a schlubby chubbo from uggo town.  A man he wouldn't have ever eaten, even if you paid him.  Think of the most unpleasant person you know.  Now imagine someone has told everyone you ate him.  OBVIOUSLY that would be repugnant - I mean, you wouldn't want to eat some hunchback pig with a tumor on its stomach that has its own teeth and hair.  And you OBVIOUSLY wouldn't want people to think you would do such a thing.    You would want a parenthetical that accurately describes the great desperation you were in to do such a  thing.  You wouldn't want some dumb parenthetical that might lead people to assume the worst about you.

TWO

It is clearly Canadianly unnecessary to mention someone's reluctance towards eating people.  Especially cousins.  It is simply assumed and known as a fact.

THREE

We shouldn't make funnies about cannibalism.  Unless it is in an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie in which the 'munks race around the world unknowingly smuggling diamonds and crud.  And also unless it involves a musical number.
But.  Wait.  I guess the tribal humans were really eating giant chipmunks so it doesn't count as cannibalism.  Except.  Well.  They probably usually sacrificed people, when not having access to giant juicy chipmunks who need glasses and other human-like accoutrement.  So, it does count.  It.  Counts.

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