Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Martha, you're no good

Martha, Martha, Martha.

MODEL

MOTHER

PRISONER
Martha's been through a lot.  She's had a life full of ups and downs and costumes and catering.  And jail cells.  So, I thought, maybe Martha might have some advice.

I just read Martha's book The Martha Rules.  And I have to say, it was weaker than an American-made cup of tea!  I can't get on board.  Martha, you teach some really great things to a lot of people.  You're a cool lady when you do what you do best.  But I don't think that's writing a book giving people tips on how to be a success.  Because I think the truth is...is that you're scared of another success becoming a Martha-sized Success Monster.  So you wouldn't give the people your true secrets of success.

Martha basically tells the tale of her humble beginnings as a high fashion model, then progresses to make mention of working in finance and being married to some law wizard and then finally manages to open her own little catering company that explodes into what we now know today as Martha's empire.

Martha doesn't exactly want you to follow your dreams.  Martha wants you to think about your dreams for a good long stink because they might not be your real dreams, make sure you are super-prepared and have business plans and branding and etcetera all nailed down, make sure you're financially able to do what you want to do and then to do it carefully and slow as a turtle crawling through peanut butter inside a tunnel slightly too small for a turtle to fit through.  She advocates using caution and responsibility.  Which is all well and good for her and some people.

But you could do all that for years and still not really be quite sure.  Altogether, she wasn't very inspiring.  It's like when you're superexcited about something you're doing and you tell your friend and she's all like, "That's awesome, I guess but aren't you usually really unfocused and your pennybag is empty of pennies and wasn't your last 'dream' just eating the biggest brownie you could find in one sitting without any milk or water or anything and that dream's kinda dumb and also you're a grade-A jollywoggler and just stop.  Just stop it."

You know what I did like?

When Martha met Oprah on Oprah's show.
Look how unhappy they both are.  And how their outfits are so different.  

I remember Martha being testy about Oprah not visiting her in prison and how Martha said something like, "Everyone visited me - it just warmed my heart and kept me going to see how many people cared.  But you didn't visit Oprah.  HAHAHAHAHA."  And then Oprah was all like, "I sent a letter."  Or something and Martha was all testickly about it.  And Martha's like, "Rosie O'Donnell visited me."  
And Oprah's like, "I'm not Rosie O'Donnell.  I don't spend all my time pickin' my nose and misspelling and misgrammaring answers to people on a website cause I have things to do."  And Martha's all like, "I guess you must've been really busy." And Oprah's all like,
And Gwyneth Paltrow's all like
And Paula Abdul was all like

And Paula Deen was all like

Also, when Martha went on Oprah it was totally like

I'll let you decide who's who.  
But I know.
I know.
I.
Know.

2 comments:

shelovestea said...

this is the most amazing post--ever.

Laura said...

@shelovestea I just saw your comment now! Months later. But thank you!!