Tuesday, March 22, 2011

nancy meyers - god amongst us

This post is all about the woman - the legend - the filmmaker - Nancy Meyers.  When I first thought about writing this post, I thought I would begin with the first film of hers I was exposed to - The Parent Trap.

The Parent Trap starring Lindsay Lohan, in a time when she didn't look at least twice her age and kind of like
Not that Lindsay should be as fresh as she was at 11 but this is a bit ridiculous. 

Anyway.  It turns out Nancy effects on my life were even more far-reaching than I knew.  She wrote one of my favorite all time films - of all time it will stand the tests of it.  It's a classic - a classic that never goes out of style.  Yes, she wrote-
Jumpin' Jack Flash is marvelous.  And I think the only movie Nancy Meyers is involved in that features a black person!  And Whoopi is dynamic - she is a computer wiz and she's a tough cookie and she outwits and escapes evil murderous henchman AND she sneaks into a party as a Diana Ross impersonator!  Her dress almost gets sucked off by a shredding machine but she BESTS it.  And she manages to get a date by the end of the movie.

And also Private Bejamin and although I love Goldie, for some reason I've never been able to sit through that whole movie.  And then the hits kept coming with Father of the Bride, parts 1 AND 2!  Finally she makes The Parent Trap - and even though I only really really enjoy the part at summer camp it is all around excellent.  Nancy Meyers lets everybody know that older people have lives!
Love is for older people, too!  For very rich and successful older white people!  They can have it all!  Finally!  And I enjoy watching them do all this!  In their wonderful houses.  Their creamily interiored enormously exteriored crazy nutbutt houses.
Everything is fresh and young and new!  Even when it is older and mature.

In other words, Lindsay will never make it into another Nancy Meyers movie, as she is neither fresh nor young.  As young people are required to be fresh in Nancy Meyers movies.  She is no longer wholesome and/or like apple pie.  You have to be practically glowing!  These kids take showers everyday and change all their clothes.  They brush their straight hair and put on their concealer.  Even if they're a boy - in fact, ESPECIALLY if they're a boy.
Look at these healthy blonde children/young adults.  They never fight, are all super close and they wear only muted colors!  They never spill their food and their hair is all supersoft and they do awesome things like get married and graduate from college.  And drive hybrids!  Basically they'd be like your best friend from college who you marry and then you get to be the privileged person to comb their supersoft hair while they cart you around in their silvery Prius of the future.  

Anytoots - in Nancy Meyers world, as a mature person with unlimited resources you also get a neat job!  Like being a successful baker with a bakery
Or perhaps being a super successful writer with produced plays!  Or being a super successful film editor!  Or a maybe a super successful fashion designer!  Basically, once you are mature and have been married or in a relationship with someone else who is also successful in their career, you are automatically living in a mansion decorated in beige tones.  Your wardrobe also becomes drained of most color and pattern.
And I'm no liar - so I'm gonna just say I really really enjoy watching these movies that aren't about war or issues or real problems of any kind and are just about fancy ladies with fancy problems living in fancy houses in their fancy clothes!  There's nothing wrong with that.  Sometimes you just want to stuff your fat face with fancy cakes while you wear your fancy pants and have your fancy butler buttle you up some more cake.
FANCY THAT.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Martha, you're no good

Martha, Martha, Martha.

MODEL

MOTHER

PRISONER
Martha's been through a lot.  She's had a life full of ups and downs and costumes and catering.  And jail cells.  So, I thought, maybe Martha might have some advice.

I just read Martha's book The Martha Rules.  And I have to say, it was weaker than an American-made cup of tea!  I can't get on board.  Martha, you teach some really great things to a lot of people.  You're a cool lady when you do what you do best.  But I don't think that's writing a book giving people tips on how to be a success.  Because I think the truth is...is that you're scared of another success becoming a Martha-sized Success Monster.  So you wouldn't give the people your true secrets of success.

Martha basically tells the tale of her humble beginnings as a high fashion model, then progresses to make mention of working in finance and being married to some law wizard and then finally manages to open her own little catering company that explodes into what we now know today as Martha's empire.

Martha doesn't exactly want you to follow your dreams.  Martha wants you to think about your dreams for a good long stink because they might not be your real dreams, make sure you are super-prepared and have business plans and branding and etcetera all nailed down, make sure you're financially able to do what you want to do and then to do it carefully and slow as a turtle crawling through peanut butter inside a tunnel slightly too small for a turtle to fit through.  She advocates using caution and responsibility.  Which is all well and good for her and some people.

But you could do all that for years and still not really be quite sure.  Altogether, she wasn't very inspiring.  It's like when you're superexcited about something you're doing and you tell your friend and she's all like, "That's awesome, I guess but aren't you usually really unfocused and your pennybag is empty of pennies and wasn't your last 'dream' just eating the biggest brownie you could find in one sitting without any milk or water or anything and that dream's kinda dumb and also you're a grade-A jollywoggler and just stop.  Just stop it."

You know what I did like?

When Martha met Oprah on Oprah's show.
Look how unhappy they both are.  And how their outfits are so different.  

I remember Martha being testy about Oprah not visiting her in prison and how Martha said something like, "Everyone visited me - it just warmed my heart and kept me going to see how many people cared.  But you didn't visit Oprah.  HAHAHAHAHA."  And then Oprah was all like, "I sent a letter."  Or something and Martha was all testickly about it.  And Martha's like, "Rosie O'Donnell visited me."  
And Oprah's like, "I'm not Rosie O'Donnell.  I don't spend all my time pickin' my nose and misspelling and misgrammaring answers to people on a website cause I have things to do."  And Martha's all like, "I guess you must've been really busy." And Oprah's all like,
And Gwyneth Paltrow's all like
And Paula Abdul was all like

And Paula Deen was all like

Also, when Martha went on Oprah it was totally like

I'll let you decide who's who.  
But I know.
I know.
I.
Know.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I watch children's television

Firstly, I watch children's television.  Not a television belonging to childrens.  But television programmed for them.  This included watching the Disney Channel beyond when I should have watched it. 

It was brought to my attention that the powers that be might be resurrecting Lizzie McGuire.
I do not know how to feel about this.  On the one hand, at the time when it was on the air, that show was magical.  The worst and most embarrassing thing that I couldn't not watch.  I was far too old to be watching this show, yet I could not look away.  Luckily, my dear friend Molly joined me in my fascination - both of us going so far as to see the film version of the show in theatres.  And forcing a third friend to come with us.  It was horrible.  And I'm sorry now for telling everybody Molly and I loved Lizzie.  It's kind of like your friend getting diarrhea in Barnes and Noble and then you laugh at her and then you tell everyone about it.   
Except for we both had diarrhea.  BRAIN DIARRHEA.  I'm going to stop saying diarrhea now.

But, you know - Lizzie McGuire tackled tough issues.  Like when Lizzie's friend Miranda decided she was too fat 
and was anorexic for a day until she fainted.  
And then they totally made a music video and Miranda realized she looked fantastic and felt better and everything was totally cool.

It was a very tough day for her.  Or when Lizzie needed to meet Aaron Carter.  She just had to - and when the going got tough with security guards chasing her for about a minute - she got tougher.  She met Aaron Carter and kissed him and appeared in his Christmas music video.  
She did it.  Lizzie is an inspiration.  She even had a Jewish friend!  I could relate to having Jewish friends.  And who could forget her Jewish friend's Bar Mitzvah???  Not me, that's for sure.  I think we all learned a lot about different cultures that day.
And oh the lessons I learned when Lizzie and her friends lied to their parents and went to a party that was unchaperoned.  It got so CRAZY.  And Haylie Beastface Duff got to guest star!
This brings me to an important point - if you are fairly unappealing and have a stinkbutt career and you have a sibling who is better looking than you (even if only by comparison) and more successful than you - grab onto that flamingo and ride it to the stars!  Haylie is always trying to grab onto Hilary's thunder.  Then she tries to shake that thunder around and doesn't even bother telling Hilary important stuff like that time she got those giant teeth put in and looked like a gaping old horseface.  Haylie could've said, "Hey! Give that horse back his teeth!"  But she didn't.  She didn't.
Haylie might've seen that as her chance.  But Hilary recovered and got newer, better, shorter teeth.  But Haylie's not sweating it.  She does great stuff on her own.  She really does.  Her own thing.  And is good.  At it...

Anyway.  When that doesn't work Haylie knows what to do.  Demand to sing songs together and appear in feature films together - and, yes, I have seen the Duff sisters starring together in movies.  And I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I've seen Hilary and Haylie Duff in Material Girls.  Well.  I'm slightly ashamed, but I'm not deleting it am I?  Know why??  Because I'm honest!

ABBH!  Always be being honest!

Then people will trust you.  And probably admitting you watched Material Girls is better than admitting you watched and really enjoyed Love & Other Drugs.  Or Price of Persia: The Sands of Time.  Or Bubble Boy.  Basically most of Jake Gyllenhaal's movies.  Except October Sky.  Or City Slickers.  Though that is truly Billy Crystal's movie.  No.  NO WAIT. 
It's Jack's.