Saturday, September 24, 2011

it's fall!

Fall is my favorite. Here's why:

Coffee-mate does all my favorite flavors during fall. I'll even drink the ones that are gross just because it's fall. This is the season of Peppermint Mocha (good tasting) and Egg Nog Latte (pretty sure it's gross tasting but I'll keep buying it and trying it and keeping my hope alive!) and Pumpkin Spice (I think this one is good?) and I LOVE it.
Don't let the candy canes on the bottle fool you. This stuff is so good they offer it year round. A brief glance at their site reveals there are recipes! Coffee recipes! If there's one thing I love more than Coffee-mate, it's their brand-authorized recipes. Go try some now. And, Coffee-mate, if you're reading this - stop it with the Egg Nog Latte. Because I won't stop buying it and hoping it will be good. And I can't deal with the constant disappointment. And also send me some liquid Peppermint Mocha, 'cause I bought the powder because that's all I could find and it's not really the same. It's like drinking Dr. Pepper when all I really want is Mr. Pibb.

I love my birthday. My birthday is in October. There is no finer holiday than a birthday. For with a birthday comes ice cream cake.
Note me and my ice cream cake and that big old fat pumpkin. Note my cute dog on the lower right! This is from a couple years ago. Note my short hair. Note my notes. Basically my birthday is the best because I get to dress up and get presents and eat lots of tasty celebratory foods like steak tartar or caviar or other things that rhyme with those things. But most of all this is when I get ice cream cake. Sure, I could go get one right now but that's hardly the same thing.

Ice cream cake is hands down the best cake in the entire world. 
Specifically, Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake with chocolate cake and mint chip ice cream.

All the greatest movies/movie scenes are set in fall:

Hocus Pocus
It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
the Halloween party in Mean Girls
the Halloween party Legally Blonde where she's like, "When I dress up like a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated." That part is totally cool.
And some other stuff.

I love hot drinks and ice cream cake and people in costumes, so obviously this would be the number one season around. I love sweaters and tights and gloves and scarves, too. I love coats and blankets and autumn colors. I love gourds and pies and leaves falling.  All the TV shows come back in fall and no matter how disappointing they may be, they're back! Then there are new shows springing up and no matter how bad they are, there they will be! It's a magical, mystical time.

I also loves saying "autumnal." I loves it. Say it: AUTUMNAL. It's so fun. Now, if you'll pardon me, I have a peppermint mocha coffee to enjoy.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

which goddess are you!?!?!?

When I was little I used to take my mom's fancy night gowns, knot the sleeves up and run around the house like a really snazzy ghost. Most of these gowns had equally ridiculous matching robes, sometimes with furry and/or feathery trim. They were all made of silk or velvet or satin or really any fabric you want to stick on your face and just rub all around.

This got me to thinking that I usually don't get to dress like a maniac/Ms. Havisham/escaped god of Olympus/glitter explosion nearly enough. So I am going to start. But I need inspiration. I came up with a few different paths. And I will show and discuss them with you here and right now.

I think you can discover what kind of goddess it is you want to be. Whether you are lady or gentle man I think we all have a shimmery flamboyant goddess sitting inside of us just waiting to take a dump. Here are our options.

Florence Welch
~*Magic*~

I like Florence for many reasons. I love her music, I love how tall she is, how she wears clothes long enough to fit her tall body and how she prances around on stage. Florence is a good choice if you're looking to really shout from the roof tops how magical you are. Not how great a magician you are - though if you're really great at pulling rabbits out of hats that's super cool.

To emulate Florence is to want to throw glitter in peoples' faces. It is to want to run around in the woods and chase animals and be chased by animals in the midst of colorful smoke bombs. It is to want to one day get painted up like a zombie who looks just like the zombie dude from Hocus Pocus.
And, no - not all zombies look alike.

To become Magic like Florence all you gotta do is grow like 5 inches probably, then wear big ole flowy dresses or no pants at all, you'll wanna yell a lot and the most important thing is to learn to dance as though you're possessed. You can choose whatever you want to be possessed by: the moon, kitties, caterpillars or whatever. It would all work. You'll need someone to light you most of the time, so you're always bathed like some otherworldly creature. Or just dye your hair a super bright color so you always glow naturally. Lastly, make sure your skin can blend into your natural habitat so you can disappear and reappear at will.

Bjork
~*Space Visitor*~
Another good goddess option is Bjork. Bjork, like Flo, also loves to belt it out and run around onstage. I like how she channels her outerspace home planet through her voice. I love all her outfits and that time I went to see her in Harlem and almost got squished by a motorcycle gang while standing on the sidewalk. Bjork's a great leader from which to take notes if you don't want to be particularly coherent when you speak but you still want to be adorable.

Space Visitors like Bjork don't really understand our Earth culture, so this one's a little tricky. For example, you'll need to be ready to wear things that aren't necessarily clothes as clothes. Because, remember, you don't know any better.
You might just have to put the pinata you didn't quite finish on top of your head. But don't forget to first drape the shower curtain under it. Otherwise you'll just look silly! You also need to ready your brain for disconnect so you can best express yourself without pesky thinking getting in the way. Just think of everything you wear and do as a way you're trying to communicate with your home planet. 

If it doesn't make sense to everyone around you then you're doing your job.

Stevie Nicks
~*Mystic*~
I used to be really indifferent towards Stevie. But then she started to grow on me. She's kind of like a kooky witch who's gonna hang out in your haunted house whether you want her to or not. She's never gonna cut her hair and she only gets around by swooping in slow motion.

I feel to be like Stevie you might need to take up crocheting. Or maybe wear fishing nets as clothing. You'll need to practice spinning around in circles a lot and getting lost in your own movement. Carry around a fan with you to constantly make sure your hair and clothes are in motion. You want to look like you're always descending from heaven, basically. 
ABD: ALWAYS BE DESCENDING!
If all else fails just pretend you're a jilted ghost bride and that'll just about take care of it.

Nina Simone
~*Big Red/Sphinx*~
Okay. So I don't know much about Nina Simone. But look at her. Red enough to deem her the goddess of a pack of spicy gum. That's pretty red. Pretty Big Red.
And here she's a sphinx. I guess Nina will remain a mystery for now. A wonderful mystery to be emulated.


That's all. I'll show you which goddess path I've taken when it's been chosen for me.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

sad fatties

John, I didn't like most of your movies but I still wish you were around.
Today I will be discussing Sad Fatties. These are gentlemen actors who happened to be fat and now they're gone so I'm sad about them.

First on my list and the inspiration for this post is John Candy. Wonderful things about John include his last name and his fatness. In all honesty most movies I've seen of his I find pretty boring and my choice for my favorite movie of his is probably not the most popular but here it is -
Spaceballs. In which he played a half man half dog.
Candy shined as a half dog who inexplicably has furry ears yet a face-painted on patch over one eye.  I also enjoy that one scene in Planes, Trains and Automobiles where "Those aren't pillows."

And I love Cool Runnings, obviously. And appreciate Candy's hair-do in Little Shop of Horrors.
But overall whenever I tried to get Candied through, say, Who's Harry Crumb? or Uncle Buck or other classic Candy cinema I was left disappointed and confused. I preferred him in small doses, like how he pops up in Home Alone and whatever.  But it makes me sad that this fattie is gone.

Next up we have Chris Farley.
He was basically funny all the time. Even though I'm pretty sure Tommy Boy and Black Sheep were the same movie since I can't really remember which things I'm thinking of from those movies belongs in which movie. I think that sentence made sense. Moving on, Farley the Fattie was super energetic and I was constantly surprised by his agility and athleticism as a fattie. I also loved him in Beverly Hills Ninja. Also his mall girl on SNL is a favorite thing of mine I misquote enthusiastically from time to time.
Chris is another fattie who is gone and it's sad.

And then John Belushi. Honestly, I never really got it. I remember watching SNL reruns with my parents where he's doing the Samurai Deli and then that whole cheeseburger thing and being like eh. To be fair that's really all I've seen of his and have yet to be talked into seeing the Blues Brothers and whatnot. But I'm still sad that fattie is gone.

And on a cheerier note, here are some sad fattie ladies who are alive and kicking. They just make me sad because they were supercool like once and then totally weren't living up to their awesome potential after that.  Camryn Manheim, yes - her - remember her? She was great in Romy and Michele's High School Reunion. Never again was she so great. So maybe it was actually the movie that was great since I can't even find a photo of Camryn in the film. But whatever.

Romy and Michele's High School Reunion is fantastic. 
Then, Rosie O'Donnell. 
I thought Rosie was super great in A League of Their Own. 

THE END.