Wednesday, December 21, 2011

where are your manners

Hey. HEY. I'm mad. Mad as a four-fingered fatty being sucked down a sink-hole.
You know why? People are being just rude. Rude, I say! It's the holiday times and I know people got lots on their plates and loads in their pants, but let's remember our manners - shall we? Here are some helpful tips:

1) You shouldn't be talking to people like they're bad dogs.

I didn't pee in your bed or poop in your shoe, so don't snap or yell at me for no reason.

2) If you're wearing sunglasses and staring at a group of people, don't assume the person you want to direct your question to knows you're looking at them.
They can't see your eyes! Also, it's cloudy. You're inside. Take off your damn glasses.

3) If you're in a left turn lane, pull into the intersection so more than one person can get through the light. Don't sit on your fat butt and not move after I politely tap my horn to indicate you should be going, and don't continue to sit on your fat butt when I blare my horn at you indicating you just let not one single person, including your dumb butt self, get through the light.

4) If I'm an employee in a store and I tell you the thing you want is out of stock, asking for it in a ruder way and/or insulting me and/or the store and/or just staring at me isn't going to get you the thing you want that you don't really need anyway.

5) Don't pretend you didn't notice the long line of people who are waiting in a line. We all saw you notice it and pretend to ignore it.

If you're thinking of being rude, just don't. Pretend like Emily Post is watching you.
You probably don't want her disapproval. And if you don't give to craps about Emily, pretend someone you would be embarrassed to be rude in front of is watching you. There's no reason to be rude! It's the holidays! 

It's time for cookies and scarves and merrymaking! So calm yourselves. For those of you who act like nice people, you're super cool. Now, let's talk about holiday cheer.

I LOVE IT! As a child I loved The Jolly Postman and at Christmas time, The Jolly Christmas Postman.
This is a great book wherein you get to read other people's mail, which is illegal in real life! It's so much fun!
I also really liked these books that came with charm necklace thingies. The original is just called The Magic Locket. But for Christmas I liked reading the wintry one, The Shiny Skates.
And my last Christmas book recommendation that is a book for children is Beany Wakes Up For Christmas.
It's about Scamp Squirrel making a merry Christmas for Beany Bear who's hibernating because it's winter, y'all. It's adorable. You should read it while sitting on this bean bag shaped like a bear.

In conclusion, for Christmas, calm down and have a candy cane and be nice to everybody. Sit on a pretend bear chair and read some kid's books. It'll all be okay. Merry merry. Jolly jolly. Holiday.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

xmas magic

It's Xmas time again, as it comes every year, and this year I really want to celebrate the magic of XMAS.
This is my dog, Hobbes. He really gets into the Xmas spirit. Being in a city wherein it never snows, I need to make my own Xmas spirit. Some things that get me into the Xmas spirit are drinking hot chocolate and pumpkin lattes while on break from work.

Or hot apple cider, if I'm at home.
Any hot and toasty beverage is an easy way to drink in the spirit of Xmas. Before you know, you'll be possessed by Santa Claus himself! You'll be attach your dogs to your wagon and start lashing away with a "HOHOHO!" You'll break into houses! You'll stomp on rooftops. You'll do it all. You'll see.

Another Xmas beverage I enjoy is Coke. I love Coke. More than Pepsi. And who does Xmas better than Coke? 
Look at that chubby Santa. He totally forgets what he's doing when he has his Coke. The guy deserves a break! He really gets around for a guy who isn't in the best of physical condition. He's kind of like a giant gnome. Like David the Gnome. Remember him?

I remember one scary episode with some sort of weird Ice Queen who held David captive or something. David is a weird name for a gnome when I think about it. I feel like they should be named after fruits or flowers or vegetables. Like, Butternut Squash. Or Bluebell. Or Banana.

Okay. Hold the phone. What the F. I just read about what happens in the David the Gnome show and in the last episode they die. THEY DIE. This is a children's show. The whole last episode is how it's time for them to die and they go up into the mountains and die. I don't remember that at all. Maybe they didn't air it on Nickelodeon for some crazy reason. I feel as though that would've made an impression on me.

I remember the episode where their fox gets his foot caught in a trap, for example. That was disturbing. But probably not as disturbing as watching a gnome and his gnome wife die. They turn into trees. What. the. Flip. That is awful. I wonder if Maya the Bee also died. Let's check it out.
It's okay - she was never killed. Though her friend - who I think was named Willy - looks basically totally drunk all the time.

But I'm getting off topic. This was about the magic of Xmas. I love the smell of gingerbread and how cute they are but I HATE eating gingerbread. I hate with the fire of a thousand Xmas stars.
And I love presents. I LOVE'EM. Who doesn't, really? But I love giving them, getting them, ripping them open and wrapping them. In fact, I'm gonna go wrap up some special things right now - for some very special people and pets. I have to go do it right now. More on Xmas later. Or gnomes. Or bees. We'll see. We'll all see.