Sunday, October 21, 2012

5 Things I Learned from 'Homeland'

If you haven't yet watched Homeland, go do it then read this. It will spoil lots of things if you haven't seen the show. Now, read! READ!


Monday, September 17, 2012

that time the bourne legacy went crazy

Sooo a little while ago I saw The Bourne Legacy. I was having a rip-roaring good time since I basically remembered nothing about all the other Bourne movies and I like action movies. And what's not to like about a guy who wrestles a wolf only to stuff said wolf's gob with a tracker he cut out of his own body only minutes earlier?

How is there no image on the internet of Jeremy Renner wrestling with that wolf? I'll have to draw something.

NOTE: He wears a hat, mittens and, boots because it's cold. They're in the snow. Hence, the whiteness. He has a hole in his side wheere he cut out his gizmo and is holding the gizmo in his hand trying to stuff it down the wolf's gob.


I know you're thinking, based upon the title of this post, is this the part of the movie that went CRAZY? No, no, it's not. I was fine with a bit of self-mutilation and lupine-wrestling. I really want to see The Grey so maybe I'm not the best judge of a movie going crazy since I'll pretty much watch with a movie that's crazy all the way across the board. In case you're getting the impression I'll watch any movie where man wrestles, mentally and physically, with beasts - you'd be darn-tootin' right!

ANYWAY -

There are a lot of ridiculous things in this film. The most ridiculous would have to be the introduction of the crazy Filipino killing machine in the third act. The scene where we discover this character exists is insane! It's basically this:

Government Guy #1: What're we gonna do? We're totally F'ed in the B's!
Goverment Guy #2: For reals!
Government Guy #3: No, you guys, listen - there's that dude we chemically enhanced from that secret program we never mentioned before!
GG1: What? I thought that program was just a pipe dream! Not even in the planning stages!
GG3: No - no, we did it. We planned and got lots of money and did all the science and now there's this crazy killing machine dude ready to go do our bidding.
GG1: I never heard anything about this!
GG2: Me neither! What the hey!
GG3: No, it's cool. This guy exists and he's Filippino in the Philippines  where all our other science is based even though all our other agents are American. 
GG1: I can't believe I didn't know any of this.
GG3: Yeah, well. He's ready to go. So we'll just do that.
GG1: Okay. It's just really weird nobody ever mentioned anything about this til now.
GG3: I guess.
GG1: It seems out of the blue is all.
GG3: Whatever. It's done.
GG1: I mean -
GG3: JESUS! GENE, JUST COOL IT.
(awkward pause)
GG1: So he's like...like the Terminator then? 
GG2: No, Gene, not like the Terminator. He is the Terminator. Unstoppable. It's crazy. Like things that should hurt or kill him have no effect. It's nuts. Nuts. Because he's still just a human guy.
GG1: Oh. Cool.
(awkward pause)
GG2: AWESOME.
(GG2 goes in for a three-way high five. Nobody joins him.)

And then we get a wild and wacky action sequence where this Filipino Terminator basically should've been injured into inaction quite a few times. And it's crazy. And then the movie suddenly ends! Lickity-poop, Jeremy Renner and Rachel Weisz are on a boat having a great time. Like they're Kathleen Turner and Dennis Quaid hanging out on the boat at the end of  Undercover Blues or somethin'!


And Rachel and Jeremy are so not Kathleen and Dennis.
 In their dreams, pals. IN THEIR DREAMS!!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Choupette Lagerfeld, the Cat of Karl's Dreams

Here is a special sneak peak at my Hello Giggles article for tomorrow for all you blog readers out there! It is a tribute to the greatest cat of possibly all time: Choupette Lagerfeld. Karl Lagerfeld's cat. The skinny, white-haired, glasses-wearing Chanel dude's cat who he loves more than life itself.

Check it out:

Sunday, August 12, 2012

all the batmans!

I saw the new Batman and I liked it and all. But is Christian Bale the greatest Batman? With so many Batmans to choose from, I just don't know.

My personal favorite? Adam West.

He says awesome stuff like:

"Just a second while I retrieve my beanie, my hair, my tweezers, and my notes."
and
Robin: Gosh Batman, the nobility of the almost-human porpoise. 
Batman: True, it was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours. 


He's just so classic and his face mask has eyebrows. The Batman Movie has it all - shark repellant spray jokes, a stylish team of mega-villains who all make puns, and pretending to climb up buildings when you can obviously tell they just turned the camera sideways. In one scene Batman runs all over the place with a ticking time bomb because there's nowhere safe to throw it! There are kids and nuns and parades and junk everywhere. He puts his own self in danger to save them all and runs around like an idiot holding a bomb for like 2 minutes. His. Own. Self.
Look how colorful and evil this bunch is. I would be terrified to run into this gang. And this Batman had an illustrious career post-Batman as the mayor of Quahog.

Then there's Michael Keaton.
This photo  is so misleading. These two would so not pose together. They are not friends. To be honest, his Batman doesn't make as big a splash to me as his villains. I mean, you've got the crazy Joker and fat ugly Penguin. Who I distinctly remember running around in the sewer in a filthy onesie. 
And then super sexy Catwoman.
Maybe it's just time to rewatch these Batmans because, honestly, I remember more of Michael Keaton in Multiplicity or that one 30 Rock episode he was in than either of his Batman movies.

Yet another Batman - Val Kilmer in Batman Forever. I haven't seen this one in years either, but, once again, the villains were more memorable than the sad sack orphan hero. You've got Jim Carrey looking amazing in a leotard.
This is dedication to the craft. Right here. There. Up there where his photo is. Dedication. And I totally forgot Nicole Kidman was in this. When she could still move her whole face.
Look how saucy she is. Saucy enough for the Batman.

Then there was the George Clooney disaster known as Batman and Robin. More like dis-ICE-ster. Cause of Mr. Freeze! Making horrible ice puns at every turn that make no sense whatsoever. Like dis-ICE-ster.
This is what happens to scientists when they get angry and their wives die. This is what.

Then, finally, someone gets serious about Batman.
He's given a growlier voice and a more butlery butler and the modern Batman is born.

WAIT - I almost forgot one of the most important Batman characters ever created - Batgirl! Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl!

Now I'm tired of Batman.

WAIT - WAIT! Not quite. The other most important Batman character ever - Poison Ivy!
Look at that horn hair. Look at that evil plant. It's like Little Shop of Horrors 24/7. Another scientist gone wrong. If someone had only told me when I was a kid what fate could befall me if I became a disgruntled scientist my life would've turned out very differently.

Monday, July 23, 2012

spin-offs that should exist

I recently posted on Hello Giggles about spin-offs that didn't suck. I wish more spin-offs didn't suck. So I came up with some spin-offs I'd love to see.

Almie and I came up with two fantastic ideas once upon a time for a few LOST spin-offs. I will quote here and now from my old livejournal.

"Two new wonderful Lost spin-offs to accompany Desmond's World:

Locke's Navy (this is assuming he didn't blow up the sub but instead got in it and that crazy cat lady-that French woman-got onboard with him, plus a couple other people just to spice it up)
Ben and His Magic Box (this is pretty self-explanatory)"

I'm not sure what Desmond's World was gonna be about. I think it would've gone something like this.


Okay. I figured it out. It's obviously about Desmond's Crazy Sexy Cool time travel adventures.

Then I was re-watching Downton Abbey with and Will and I came up with a pretty brilliant idea. Mrs. Patmore and Daisy have a spin-off. That was the extent of the idea. I'm thinking they break away from Downton Abbey and head off to a seaside town where they co-own/co-chef a zany inn full of kooky co-workers and zany guests. And they do not get along!! They're so different!!! So crazy.

It would be something like this.

Too Many Cooks cause they'd both be cooks!!! Such different cooks!! So crazy. Daisy would probably want to cook everything in a wok or something super zany.

More possible spin-offs forthcoming...

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

pretty/scary

I was never the biggest fan of horror movies. I'm way too affected by the horror and after watching a scary movie I won't sleep with my lights off. I won't hang out in my room unless I check to make sure there aren't evil creeps in the closet or behind the toilet.

However - for a brief time I watched Rosemary's Baby before I went to bed every night. Now you may be inclined to interject: "Wait a - but you said - I thought - HEY!" But I stop you before you begin - Rosemary's Baby is not only a horror movie, it's also a movie about pretty clothes and a pretty actress acting like a kook, but really she's not since she has a Satan-melon in her pumpkin patch. Melon patch. Whatever. But take a peek-a-poop:

Looking swellow in yellow.

Not having a larf in a scarf.

Squattin' while lookin' besottin'.

Ready for Satan's bed in red.

Call me shallow, but I like things to look nice. I will even overlook things like quality of content at times if something looks nice - like a movie. But in Rosemary's case, it's also an amazing movie, which is lucky.

Also, I feel this way about The Others - the one with Nicole Kidman. I think her face was still able to move but it was too scary for me to watch the parts where she'd be like, face-movingly-terrified so I'm not totally sure. Most of the images I can find for it don't show how pretty the movie is so the internet can just suck my butt. Here's the best we can do:

Lookin' in a sad state behind a gate.

Bein' a nervous scamp with an oil lamp.

Bein' a drip in a slip.

Flippin' her hair, bein' all a-scare.

It's much prettier than these pictures. I could do without all the dead people portraits, but I guess if that's an integral part of your story you're probably gonna show it. Whatever. Not the best of movies, but I like a lot of tweed and it really came through in that department.

And I saw a trailer for The Awakening that's seems like it's gonna be another pretty/scary looking kinda movie.

Bein' non-plussed, not on a bus. 

Lookin' bright, holdin' a light.

This isn't how you use a bed.

Pretty hair-do while not doin' a poo.

It looks like it's gonna creep the beans out of me. But I just might see it. 'Cause it looks pretty/scary!!!!! I said it!! Pretty scary! Again!!!

Monday, July 2, 2012

stars who were guest stars before they were stars

Hello. I'm better than ever. I've been doing all sorts of things.

In addition to doing things, I also haven't been doing things. Under the haven't been doing things heading should fall TV watching. But I partly have been TV watching out of research, so I guess that would fall under doing things. ANYWAYZ.

A little while ago a plumber or someone came to work on junk in my house so I had to stay locked in a separate room with the dog to avoid destruction and mayhem and/or a light dog-biting.
So I'm trapped in a room with nothing to do but watch TV, so I'm watching a rerun of Sex and the City. I'm minding my own business when BLAMMO! Elizabeth Banks is there. She's a little chubbier around the face than she is now, but BLAMMO!

She's a good example to look to of how to be wonderful. She went from like 2 lines on Sex and the City to many lines dressed as a fancy clown in the Hunger Games.


Other great guest stars who went on to be big fat star stars? George Clooney. He played a plumber and a detective on The Facts of Life and The Golden Girls, respectively.

I've never gotten the big whoop about George, but I'm pretty jealous he got his start on 2 of the best shows ever to grace television.

Then there's the old Hamm Sandwich - Jon Hamm. I've noticed it before but here I notice it again: he pooped up on Gilmore Girls.
Lorelai found him boring and undatable because he was too rich and wanted to take her to see David Bowie. Lorelai is such a raging B. Whatevs. Her loss. He went on to be the crazy king of Madison Avenue, so whatevs, indeed.

Then there's Ben from Parks and Recreation. In Boy Meets World - BLAMMO! He got to go through two different hair styles! 


I mean, I can't say going on to do Parks and Rec is a huge improvement since Boy Meets World was amazing and Parks and Rec is amazing. It was basically a lateral move.

Anyways. It's nice to know you can start as a guest star and graduate to star STAR. You should always be the star of your own life. And, preferably, the star of a television show.

Monday, June 25, 2012

UNIFORMally. Or, I like uniforms from movies.

I wore a uniform to school for middle/high school. I didn't particularly like it or hate it, but it sure made things easy peasy. And being a mainly lazy person in the morning, easy is the best.

As an adult human, I really like the idea of uniforms if they're nice and not gross. And comfortable. Like I'm kind of looking forward to the future where we all have to wear silver pajamas or weird tiny metallic dresses like in Logan's Run. Would it really be so bad? We'd save tons of money on clothes and that'd mean way more money to spend on important stuff like snacks and travel.

Anyway.

Here are some uniforms I wouldn't mind wearing:

Ghostbusters - Onesies
Look at these guys and how happy they are to be wearing their work clothes. Not only is the uniform stylish, it's also practical. Note the stylishness of the logo - simple and straightforward: a ghost with a big red 'x' through it. And note the practicality: it keeps all the disgusting innards of ghosts off of them. And even though I hate wearing onesies when it comes to going to the bathroom, I would gladly put up with that annoyance to don the Ghostbusters uniform.

Phyllis Nefler - Re-worked Wilderness Girl Uniform
As we all know, I love Phyllis. Phyllis is a gal who gets what she wants. And when she tried on the original Wilderness Girl uniform, she realized she did not want it. Instead of settling for less, she took her destiny into her own hands and had her uniform redesigned into the amazing suit you see before you. She's the chicest troop leader on the block. If I were wearing that uniform, I would be thrilled to lead a troop of weird kids to the Beverly Hills Hotel. Which is something that I would normally hate.

Team Zissou - Scuba suit
If nothing else, a Wes Anderson movie always has good outfits. I'm terrified of scuba diving - due to deep waters, lack of oxygen, and a fear of most fish - but I have to give it a second thought when I think of doing it dressed in a Zissou scuba suit. It's just a lovely color and has great lil details all over. Someone get me a suit and I'll maybe reconsider not wanting to get Open-Watered. 

Thursday, June 7, 2012

I wanted to leap like Shelley Long

I wanted to leap like Shelley Long. I wanted to be brave and use my 9-years-of-ballet-,-asshole training to be graceful like a big ole bird when I flew.

Like this.

I was not that brave. I have no ballet training. Not really. I do have some tap training. But that isn't much help when it comes to leaping. Stomping on spiders, sure. Leaping, not so much.

Watch me in Day 7 of my 30 Days to perfection as I try something new with my leap off my roof.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Day 5 and Pimm's o' Clock

My Day 5 mission was to Go A-Picnicking. And Picnic I did. It's the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, too, so obviously it was a Jubilee Picnic.

And one of my favorite parts of the picnic? The Pimm's Cup!
Why didn't anyone tell me it was delicious? I think it might be a drink for an old lady on a summer's day, but that's essentially who I am. For our Jubilee Cups, I just took a splash of Pimm's, a splash of lemonade, and a splash of sparkling water and BLAMMO!


There's that.

Now check out my Day 5 adventure. Now featuring friends!! And the Queen herself.



Saturday, June 2, 2012

30 Days to Perfection: DAY 2

So I'm pretty sure I'm getting sick so I didn't feel any of the supposed magical benefits of water-drinking from Day 2's mission. I did start talking to plants. I think it was because we were both fueled by water and sun, so we could relate.

I also had the energy to dance. Was it a failure dance or a victory dance? Watch and find out!!

Friday, June 1, 2012

30 Days to Perfection: DAY 1

Hey y'all!

All June long I will be journeying to perfection by doing 1 task per day to make me more amazing. Check out the kick off on Hello Giggles and then follow along here to or on youtube to watch each day for a new vlog.

Yay!

Monday, May 28, 2012

snow white and the huntsman or charlize theron: in a yogurt bowl

Since talkin' 'bout Prometheus is talkin' 'bout a movie I want to see, I thought I'd tell y'all another movie I'm wantin' to see is Snow White and The Huntsman.
This is partially on account of there being mostly dump movies out right now but I love going to the movies so I kind of have to - and partially on account of I love Charlize. Probably I want to see this mainly because of Charlize. And Charlize as an evil queen might be the best thing ever.
If she can look amazing and evil in a big bowl of yogurt, I can only imagine her in motion. In a big bowl of yogurt. I think she'll probably be the evilest queen who ever was. In a movie with evil queen type ladies. In a big bowl of yogurt.

From what I gather, the movie's about a girl who likes to nap and occasionally run around in the woods. There's also a guy who likes to walk around and find monsters to axe. There's this mean queen who likes to suck the life out of people by making an ugly face and then take a refreshing dip in a yogurt bowl. There're also some horses and apparently soldiers are made of glass. Or black shiny rocks. Or birds. Whatevs.

And all Kristen Stewart looks like she's doing is falling out of a toilet sewer hole while trying to pull off that whole pants-under-skirt look.
Which, let's face it, never worked on anyone. But I'm sure Kristen's doing the best she can.

Charlize can really do it all. She goes from an MRF in one show.
To a monster in another.
To being blonde and curly-haired to dark brown and straight-haired and having a mental breakdown all in one movie.
Now that's talent. She's the kind of lady I wanna be: someone who can pull of long curly light colored hair and short straight dark colored hair all in an hour and a half. Not many people can pull off such dramatic makeovers.

Charlize is going to make an incredible evil queen. Other evil queen type ladies I admire include Michelle Pfeiffer in Stardust
Susan Sarandon in Enchanted
and David Bowie in Labyrinth
If the Goblin King isn't a fabulous evil queen I don't know what's who anymore.
WHAT'S WHO!