Monday, February 27, 2012

good god, lemon

So I'm watching TV, happy as a fat clam, when who do I see but Tina Fey! I think, has SNL come on? This commercial seems like a spoof. Did she purchase an ad to make a joke for real TV? Because this seems ridiculous and she does not have that much hair. Has Tina lost her damn mind? Perhaps.

Not to say that Tina doesn't have perfectly nice hair. Or shouldn't do commercials. But this is weird. In 30 Rock she says her hair color is called "Grandfather's Shoe." As a fellow brown-hair-haver it's always nice to see people with brown hair have our day. Us brown-haired gals with matching poo-colored eyes don't always get much representation. But does it really have to be from Tina Fey acting like a hair-crazed tutu-wearing zombie?
This is not Tina. I don't wanna see Tina in a tutu. And why is she suddenly wearing said tutu and spinning around like a moron? If Tina's gonna spin I'm gonna expect her to fall down or get tangled in her purse or end up accidentally landing in a toilet. Like I do.

And she simply can't possibly have that much hair of her own! It sure as boots doesn't seem like she does on 30 Rock. I get it's a hair commercial and whatnot, but it's just so dumb. It creeps me out. Not that she shouldn't be allowed to be glamorous or whatever but it's so fake and insincere.
It's like she's making fun of being in the commercial. 
I know plenty of actresses who would be more suited to this. She's more genuine in that episode where she imagines she has blonde hair.
Yeah, Tina, you take this more seriously. Because I think you think you look good being all blonde. Whereas in your commercial you seem pretty darn confused.
I made that face, too, Tina. When I watched your commercial, that same face happened to my face. You seemed put upon and uncomfortable - but you know what? Nobody forced you to do that. Nobody forced you to take a big bucket of money to flip your hair around and talk about it. If you looked like you were having fun that'd be one thing, or if you were more yourself, but to me you seem like you're kind of rolling your eyes at the whole thing.

There are so many better products for you to endorse. Just imagine. 
 Yeah, let your face squiggle into a dream sequence.
 SQUIGGLE! Because you should not be hawking Garnier hair products. You should be advertising for maybe...oh, I don't know...

I know, I know. These are Liz Lemon. Not Tina Fey. Boo frickily hoo. She's basically Liz Lemon and she shouldn't be ashamed. I'd be proud. She should stick to products she knows! Products I can believe she uses and about which I would trust her opinion and/or endorsement.

But fine. Here's one just for the real Tina.
Yes, Tina, now you realize. And it might not be too late.
Fix this, TF. We all believe in you.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

no but seriously - I will watch terrible movies

I will watch genuinely bad movies. Not even the it's-so-bad-it's-good kind. Just plain butts out bad movies. I don't know why this is. Some part of me inexplicably enjoys them, or I wouldn't waste my time watching them. I think watching truly terrible movies makes me a better judge of movies general. Like, you wouldn't know how wonderful Audrey Hepburn was if you didn't see how terrible Jennifer Love Hewitt was at portraying her. Probably.
So what are my favorite truly terrible movies? Let's start of with Get Over It.

First of all, let us note that Sisqo appears on this movie's poster. Sisqo. Of The Thong Song. And I think a dog is humping the title of the movie. This is basically about a guy who wants his ex-girlfriend back even though another more awesome girl likes him already. And his ex-gf is dating some guy who was in a boy band. This is all set against the backdrop of a high school performing a musical version of A Midsummer Night's Dream. 

The producer of the play/drama teacher? Martin Short.

It's crazy how awful the movie is. They do the thing where the boy character suddenly realizes he likes the girl he obviously likes so they do a montage of all their moments together as he remembers them. Even though it doesn't really make sense since shouldn't he just be remembering seeing her and not seeing himself as we saw them? I mean, I get it. But it's dumb.

I should also mention Mila Kunis ends up with Sisqo, I'm pretty sure.
And also Colin Hanks is there! He's so unamused. Zoe Saldana shows up in there, too. And let's not forget Vitamin C sings during the opening credits.

But will I watch this movie if ever I see it's on TV? Obviously and definitely. Because I really enjoy it. It has all the things I love in it - like plays within movies and dancing and singing. Even Sisqo can't ruin it.

A worse movie I really love? Bride Wars. This one has almost no redeeming characteristics, but again, I really like it. It's a mystery.
Even Kate and Anne can't even bother to look sincere in this poster. This movie is about BFFs who end up having to have their weddings on the same day in the same hotel and since neither will move their wedding, they end up trying to sabotage each other's special day. It's just kooky! Since Kate's character is a bossy bitchface whereas Anne's character is a lame pushoverface. They're so different it's bound to be wacky! And, boy howdy, is it ever!!

Look what they do to each other.
OMGZ Anne has an awful tan and Kate's hair is so blue!! YIKES! Yet for some reason, I still like this awful awful film. It does have some genuinely unterrible parts - like the fact that Anne was making Kate fat by pretending Kate's fiance was ordering treats for her from the Jolly Walrus Cookie Company and the International Butter Club. I mean, I wish those two companies were real because I want them. There's a mostly disappointing dance off.
Why is Kate Hudson so confused as to what dancing is? This could've been a big winner of a scene for me. But no such luck.

I also eventually realized the guy who plays Andy in Parks and Rec plays Anne's fiancee, so I really like that.

One more truly awful movie I like? Just My Luck starring Lindsay Lohan and Chris Pine. 

Just look at how hard Lindsay is winking. How could this possibly go wrong?? This movie's plot is so dumb it's painful. Lindsay is super lucky while Chris Pine is not. They are strangers. Then at a party some magical mystical poohaha happens where Lindsay and Chris kiss and their luck switches!! OH NO!!

All these terrible things happen to Lindsay where she loses her job and has to get a new one. Chris runs into her and helps her get a job at a bowling alley. But she's terrible at it because she wears heels!! Eventually she figures it out and other stuff happens like she eats a stranger's bacon in a restaurant because she has no money and is hungry. And she falls face first into mud. And drops her contact in cat poo and wears it anyway. She tries to get her luck back by kissing a bunch of weirdos because she figures out she lost her luck by kissing. There's also a precocious child and a scene where she turns a laundry room into a bubble bath - WUH OH!!

It's awful. But I saw it in the theatre. With my mom. Yes, I did. And it taught me to not kiss someone unless their really lucky. And I'll watch it if it's on TV. I just will.

Apparently this movie stinks so bad nobody bothered to put any clips of it on youtube other than the trailer. So enjoy. Because I sadly yet truly did.

I hope you all will embrace your love of truly terrible movies as I have. THE END!

Monday, February 13, 2012

the best and worst

I know it's not new or nothing, but I found Bob Ross' painting videos to be so soothing.
I wonder if he was like that in real life or if it was just his painting persona. Like how I'm a really calm, quiet person but when I get to painting I turn into a belligerent drunk-with-power monsterpants. If I wasn't drunk-with-power while painting it would be crazy because, hey, I am CREATING NEW WORLDS. Bob can be a little too calm, though. I just learned about his mentor figure who has a kooky accent and great fluffy energy.

PBS is also home to such great programs as all the _________ House shows. Like Colonial House or Manor House or Regency House, etc. I'm sure it would suck to live in a different time period in an isolated house - but it would be superawesome if a whole town could be convinced to abide by the olden times rules. There must be some tiny town somewhere that would agree to that. All's I'm asking is about 500 people or so. That's liiiiiike nothing.

Like when Oprah talked to the 10 people who lived on that island in Maine. That was basically their whole town. They could totally do the different time period thing. But I guess they kind of already are. As are Amish people. But I would prefer to see a town of 500 living like Downton Abbey.
OH GOOD GOD. While looking up Downton Abbey pictures I accidentally read a season 2 spoiler. I'M ANGRY. This is the worst. I can't go on right now.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

this is gonna be long and unpopular - YAY!

On this Super Bowl Sunday I have nothing to say about football. But I do have something to say about the beloved movie of generations of children and adults alike: The Goonies.

Now, hold your horses. This is not going to be an ode to The Goonies. OH HO HO HO is it ever not. I know what I have to say is not going to be popular. Nobody asked me for my opinion but I'm gonna share it nonetheless, because that's what I do. So with all this in mind, let me tell you why:

I don’t get The Goonies.  
I don’t like The Goonies.

I know this seems like a horrible thing to say.  It seems like the kind of thing one shouldn’t say, unless they want to be called out as some sort of witch or a devil or some other character related to Halloween.  Which is crazy because I LOVE Halloween.  

But I definitely don’t love The Goonies.