On this Super Bowl Sunday I have nothing to say about football. But I do have something to say about the beloved movie of generations of children and adults alike: The Goonies.
Now, hold your horses. This is not going to be an ode to The Goonies. OH HO HO HO is it ever not. I know what I have to say is not going to be popular. Nobody asked me for my opinion but I'm gonna share it nonetheless, because that's what I do. So with all this in mind, let me tell you why:
I don’t get The Goonies.
I don’t like The Goonies.
I know this seems like a horrible thing to say. It seems like the kind of thing one shouldn’t say, unless they want to be called out as some sort of witch or a devil or some other character related to Halloween. Which is crazy because I LOVE Halloween.
But I definitely don’t love The Goonies.
To be honest, I don’t exactly remember what happened in the film because I found it so unappealing and my sole viewing of it was about 7 years ago. Perhaps part of its magic is watching it when you’re young enough not to question what you’re looking at. Because all I remember is a bunch of kids, some sort of gang of bullies, and a really creepy monster who might’ve been a person with some sort of mental problem and a physical deformity. I think they were all hunting for treasure because they needed money to save the town or some such junk.
One might argue that I’m an adult so obviously I wouldn’t like some kids’ movie. Not true! I love plenty of movies and TV shows aimed at kids – be they past or present. I watch things definitely not aimed at my demographic. There are tons of people who can attest to my age-inappropriate enthusiasm for tween programming and/or movies. Give me kids battling monsters or bullies and stories where teenage girls get makeovers and participate in group dance numbers and I am there. That stuff appeals to everyone, right? And I just plain butts-out love scamps – be they The Sandlot bunch trying to retrieve a baseball in kooky ways because knocking on that neighbor’s door is just too terrifying or Labyrinth’s selfish jerk girl who has to practically die to retrieve the obnoxious baby she wished away.
But The Goonies just lacked that certain pizzazz I want to see. It was too weird without enough fun. Again, I don’t remember it exactly but I’m pretty sure a gang of adults was trying to stop the kids from doing something – and the mean old people gang didn’t even get to meet any violent end a la Home Alone or Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
The thing that most deterred me was that oddly formed monster guy. Where did that thing even come from?? He wasn’t a person – was he? As far as I remember he was chained in a hole or something. And I think he was a nice monster, but I couldn’t make it past his unmoving rubbery malformed face. Call me shallow, but I prefer my monsters made of rocks like the Rock Biter in Neverending Story or made of pizza like Pizza the Hut in Spaceballs.
The Goonies should appeal to me, which I suppose is the most frustrating part of all. With Amazon reviews like: “Within the first 5 minutes of the movie there was foul language by the KIDS in the movie, reference to drugs, and a small statue of a naked man with an erection” and “what child enjoys seeing a pale, dead body fall out of the closet? AWFUL” and “There is also a scene in which a child mentions sexual torture, a fake hanging scene, and some talk about sex” – it seems like something any person could enjoy! But, sadly, no. One reviewer states, “My parents won't let me watch this anymore and I'm almost eleven.”
I wish my parents had stopped me. And I was almost 18. But if they had stopped me that would’ve been hard since I was living 3000 miles away from them at the time. That would’ve required a lot of time, travel and, most of all, LOVE.
I guess I was hoping for the magic of, say, a Hook or even the dumb delight of D3: The Might Ducks. Yup, I’m saying the third film in The Mighty Ducks series was more enjoyable for me than The Goonies. The inimitable D3: the last in The Mighty Ducks trilogy, which we all know had about as much of the original film’s stupid charm as Saved by the Bell: The New Class had of Saved by the Bell.
Maybe I should give The Goonies another chance. But then I remember how a large part of the film is spent in tunnels or underground or in some cave grotto. And there’s nothing I hate more than being in tunnels or underground or in random cave grottos. Except maybe being forced to re-watch The Goonies.