Friday, March 30, 2012

a period piece

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm pleased to bring you my latest work for Hello Giggles. It's a short film about three ladies - one of whom happens to be played by a man.

There is wine. There is chocolate. There are cramps. There may be other bodily functions. And sophisticated lady talk.

Check it out.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

when ludwig met amadeus

I just discovered that it was possible that Beethoven and Mozart met. And I got to thinking how there should be a movie about them and how they would be the best and most mismatched of buddies. I mean, a ton of facts would have to be skewed, but when has that ever stopped movies from being made before? Like we'd have to stick them closer in age since Mozart was about 15 years older than Beethoven.

And we'd have to call them something like Moz & Beety. 

But it would be sooo Odd Couple!! AmIright? AM I? Like cranky old Beety trying to work and Moz busting in dressed like a show pony being ridden by a whore. So cute. 

And then when they go out together to pick up the ladies and they BOTH pretend they're deaf, but they're not and they sooo use that to their advantage. Hi-larious! 

Or maybe they'd both be sleeping with the same lady and not know it but then Beety would find out and be all surly and call her a whore and a swine and then try and get her arrested. And Moz would just  be giggling like there was no tomorrow! And then Beety would try to strangle Moz, but they would both just end up laughing about the whole thing! And the whore would wander off somewhere sort of confused. Adorable.

I think I'm gonna make this happen. These two great minds should meet. And they might've. And whose to say they didn't have a kooky fun sexy time when it happened?!? Not me. Not. Me.

Friday, March 16, 2012

johnny depp needs help

Johnny Depp has probably gone through more white face paint than a clown. He is a clown, I suppose. But I think his makeup artists are insane. And/or his directors. They take a perfectly lovely looking man and try to make him look as big a failure of beauty/grooming as possible. So I bring you a study in the many faces of Depp:

He looks like a member of The Cure. From the whited up face to the sleepy sunken eye sockets, to the illy   applied lipstick, Depp is a mess. Look at his hair. He's supposed to be a kooky hairdresser in the movie and he's got rat's nest on his head. His facial scars are the least of his problems here. I don't mind the lack of eyebrows. It works for Whoopi, after all. All Johnny needs to do is get someone to scrub him down and run a comb through his hair and BLAMMO! Awesome City, USA. And maybe get rid of the dog collar or whatever it is that's around his neck.
Yikes and a half. Two yikes and three quarters. Many yikeses. Who did this to him? They've washed his face, sure. But they also flat-ironed his hair but still managed to leave it with some fluff. He looks like the children's shoe-salesman of my nightmares. Again he manages to be offensive to the hairstyling industry. His skin is super smooth, though. Sign me up for whatever exfoliant he's using!
I'd be angry, too, if I had blended my foundation into my lips, Johnny. I'd be angry, too. He's got a skunk stripe going - agan, unacceptable for someone in the beauty & grooming industry. It doesn't work for Stacy London 
and it doesn't work for you. His hair is so greasy and this particular shade of white face is bringing out every wrinkle and crag. Matching one's shirt to their face to their streak of crazy hair is never a fashion do. I wish someone had relayed him the message.
Oh, dear. Again, the white face, but this time accented by bushy-haired gingeritis. At least his eyebrows match his hair, but that ain't saying much considering their both frizzed beyond all health. I didn't even realize you could have frizzy eyebrows. My bad. Too much blusher and under eye shadow. I do like his frilly cuffs, but that's about it. His eyes really do pop, though, so I guess  the rest of him being a mess is supposed to be in support of his peepers. It is not working for me, folks. And that lipstick is a touch too vampiric for my taste.
And coming soon, Johnny falls back in the white face paint bucket for Dark Shadows. He's redoubled on the eye makeup and stuck with the vampiric lip color. Although I think he might be a vampire in this one? Yes, he is. I Googled it and everything. I guess vampires like to use a lot of hair product to coif their strands into fine fringe points. Again, not my cup of tea. Also, I'm not liking the tiny blue veins all over his neck. I don't even like becoming too aware of my own veins in my own body. 

Johnny - step away from the white face makeup. You're Johnny Depp. You're better than this. Well, maybe not. But you look way better without it and I'm pretty sure most of these characters wouldn't even be that naturally pale. It's simple unbelievable filmmaking. Irresponsible. 

I realize this is really all Tim Burton's doing. Tim, what're you doing, Tim? Just tell Johnny to stop getting in so many tanning beds. Problem solved! Everyone's problems solved!!

I mean, you managed to have him looking good before in your movies -
Let's do it again! Aiming for No More White Face in 2013. NMWF13! GO!!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

ladies do stuff

People sometimes say dumb things like ladies can't direct movies. Or don't do a good job. Or they don't like dessert. But ladies can direct movies! Some of them do a good job! And if you don't like dessert you're a monster. A crazy crazy monster.

I'm not saying all ladies do a great job, and neither do all gentlemen. But here are some movies I enjoy that were directed by humans with ladyparts.

That's right, a lady directed this doohickey. Mary Harron. And she wrote the adapted screenplay with another lady. Who would have thought? I wouldn't have.  I didn't. I would never have guessed. But I'm no genius. I'm only a girl.

We all know how much I love Nancy Meyers. And how greatly I prefer Father of the Bride Part II to the original. These are the kinds of movies people would expect a lady to make. Nancy isn't about to make an American Psycho-type movie but that's hardly relevant or her fault. She could never do it because she'd die before letting blood and guts get all over her beautiful beige houses and actors. She'd. Rather. Die. And I would, too, frankly.

I'm not Nora Ephron's biggest fan. Sleepless in Seattle creeps the poop right out of me and she kind of ruined a perfectly good movie about Julia Child by including that stupid blogger woman and her story. But she also makes excellent things. Like these two movies, which I love.

I know what you're thinking: What!? And I'm all like, "Yeah. I know." Who'd have thunk a lady directed Wayne and Garth to greatness? Not me. Penelope Spheeris, who looks shockingly like Steven Tyler when I google her, directed this gem. Along with this one:
Clearly, she's a genius. These are two amazing movies. Not to mention, but I will and am, the fact that she also did The Beverly Hillbillies and Black Sheep. Serious genius. Well, she's not a super genius. Since she did turn down the chance to direct This is Spinal Tap. But maybe she is a super super genius since it allowed Rob Reiner and the gang to take that movie to the magical place at which it landed.

I love this movie. And I love Tamra Davis for directing it. Any lady that helped orchestrate Adam Sandler squeezing that fat kid's face deserves an Academy Award.

Amy Heckerling. Boom. This is all she ever needs to do for all time. Ever.