Friday, March 16, 2012

johnny depp needs help

Johnny Depp has probably gone through more white face paint than a clown. He is a clown, I suppose. But I think his makeup artists are insane. And/or his directors. They take a perfectly lovely looking man and try to make him look as big a failure of beauty/grooming as possible. So I bring you a study in the many faces of Depp:

He looks like a member of The Cure. From the whited up face to the sleepy sunken eye sockets, to the illy   applied lipstick, Depp is a mess. Look at his hair. He's supposed to be a kooky hairdresser in the movie and he's got rat's nest on his head. His facial scars are the least of his problems here. I don't mind the lack of eyebrows. It works for Whoopi, after all. All Johnny needs to do is get someone to scrub him down and run a comb through his hair and BLAMMO! Awesome City, USA. And maybe get rid of the dog collar or whatever it is that's around his neck.
Yikes and a half. Two yikes and three quarters. Many yikeses. Who did this to him? They've washed his face, sure. But they also flat-ironed his hair but still managed to leave it with some fluff. He looks like the children's shoe-salesman of my nightmares. Again he manages to be offensive to the hairstyling industry. His skin is super smooth, though. Sign me up for whatever exfoliant he's using!
I'd be angry, too, if I had blended my foundation into my lips, Johnny. I'd be angry, too. He's got a skunk stripe going - agan, unacceptable for someone in the beauty & grooming industry. It doesn't work for Stacy London 
and it doesn't work for you. His hair is so greasy and this particular shade of white face is bringing out every wrinkle and crag. Matching one's shirt to their face to their streak of crazy hair is never a fashion do. I wish someone had relayed him the message.
Oh, dear. Again, the white face, but this time accented by bushy-haired gingeritis. At least his eyebrows match his hair, but that ain't saying much considering their both frizzed beyond all health. I didn't even realize you could have frizzy eyebrows. My bad. Too much blusher and under eye shadow. I do like his frilly cuffs, but that's about it. His eyes really do pop, though, so I guess  the rest of him being a mess is supposed to be in support of his peepers. It is not working for me, folks. And that lipstick is a touch too vampiric for my taste.
And coming soon, Johnny falls back in the white face paint bucket for Dark Shadows. He's redoubled on the eye makeup and stuck with the vampiric lip color. Although I think he might be a vampire in this one? Yes, he is. I Googled it and everything. I guess vampires like to use a lot of hair product to coif their strands into fine fringe points. Again, not my cup of tea. Also, I'm not liking the tiny blue veins all over his neck. I don't even like becoming too aware of my own veins in my own body. 

Johnny - step away from the white face makeup. You're Johnny Depp. You're better than this. Well, maybe not. But you look way better without it and I'm pretty sure most of these characters wouldn't even be that naturally pale. It's simple unbelievable filmmaking. Irresponsible. 

I realize this is really all Tim Burton's doing. Tim, what're you doing, Tim? Just tell Johnny to stop getting in so many tanning beds. Problem solved! Everyone's problems solved!!

I mean, you managed to have him looking good before in your movies -
Let's do it again! Aiming for No More White Face in 2013. NMWF13! GO!!

2 comments:

apocalypstick said...

Honestly I can't stand Johnny Depp and I applaud your courage.

Cherie said...

Maybe this is why I forgot that I used to find Johnny Depp attractive. He looks too much like a corpse most of the time.

I personally think he looked absolutely doable as a blonde in The Astronaut's Wife.