Sunday, August 12, 2012

all the batmans!

I saw the new Batman and I liked it and all. But is Christian Bale the greatest Batman? With so many Batmans to choose from, I just don't know.

My personal favorite? Adam West.

He says awesome stuff like:

"Just a second while I retrieve my beanie, my hair, my tweezers, and my notes."
Robin: Gosh Batman, the nobility of the almost-human porpoise. 
Batman: True, it was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours. 

He's just so classic and his face mask has eyebrows. The Batman Movie has it all - shark repellant spray jokes, a stylish team of mega-villains who all make puns, and pretending to climb up buildings when you can obviously tell they just turned the camera sideways. In one scene Batman runs all over the place with a ticking time bomb because there's nowhere safe to throw it! There are kids and nuns and parades and junk everywhere. He puts his own self in danger to save them all and runs around like an idiot holding a bomb for like 2 minutes. His. Own. Self.
Look how colorful and evil this bunch is. I would be terrified to run into this gang. And this Batman had an illustrious career post-Batman as the mayor of Quahog.

Then there's Michael Keaton.
This photo  is so misleading. These two would so not pose together. They are not friends. To be honest, his Batman doesn't make as big a splash to me as his villains. I mean, you've got the crazy Joker and fat ugly Penguin. Who I distinctly remember running around in the sewer in a filthy onesie. 
And then super sexy Catwoman.
Maybe it's just time to rewatch these Batmans because, honestly, I remember more of Michael Keaton in Multiplicity or that one 30 Rock episode he was in than either of his Batman movies.

Yet another Batman - Val Kilmer in Batman Forever. I haven't seen this one in years either, but, once again, the villains were more memorable than the sad sack orphan hero. You've got Jim Carrey looking amazing in a leotard.
This is dedication to the craft. Right here. There. Up there where his photo is. Dedication. And I totally forgot Nicole Kidman was in this. When she could still move her whole face.
Look how saucy she is. Saucy enough for the Batman.

Then there was the George Clooney disaster known as Batman and Robin. More like dis-ICE-ster. Cause of Mr. Freeze! Making horrible ice puns at every turn that make no sense whatsoever. Like dis-ICE-ster.
This is what happens to scientists when they get angry and their wives die. This is what.

Then, finally, someone gets serious about Batman.
He's given a growlier voice and a more butlery butler and the modern Batman is born.

WAIT - I almost forgot one of the most important Batman characters ever created - Batgirl! Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl!

Now I'm tired of Batman.

WAIT - WAIT! Not quite. The other most important Batman character ever - Poison Ivy!
Look at that horn hair. Look at that evil plant. It's like Little Shop of Horrors 24/7. Another scientist gone wrong. If someone had only told me when I was a kid what fate could befall me if I became a disgruntled scientist my life would've turned out very differently.


Amber said...

Oh man I had forgotten about Batgirl. That was a disaster and a half.

Laura said...

I know! It was swept from my mind it was so terrible. Thank goodness the internet is always here to catch me when I fall.