Sunday, October 21, 2012

5 Things I Learned from 'Homeland'

If you haven't yet watched Homeland, go do it then read this. It will spoil lots of things if you haven't seen the show. Now, read! READ!

1) If you think you killed your BFF, make sure he's really dead.
If you're forced into punching your best friend to death, you better make sure you get the job done. Stupid Brody just assumed his BFF was dead because the jerks who forced him to supposedly murder Tom tossed his carcass in a grave. You've got to make sure they bury the body - good and far underground! Far enough that if you're dumb friend comes back as a zombie he won't come looking to revenge eat your brain.

On top of the major firefart of seeing your BFF who you thought you killed hoppin' and boppin' around , they're also probably gonna be pretty pissed at you. So do it right.

2) Don't bond with the children! You're just the help.

When your torturer and captor forces you to play the Julie Andrews to his Von Trapp kid, don't start singing and sewing him play outfits out the curtains just yet! That kind of thing will come back to bite you right on your rump! You've got to be like the Professor Snape to his Malfoy - you're stuck protecting him, you don't want to. 

That way when the dumb kid croaks you won't be all firefarted in the brain. I mean, sure, you'll be upset as we all would be if our torturer's kid we babysit was killed - but you won't want to bomb your homeland to teach everyone a lesson about who should be bombing who and when and with what and why.

3) Always take your pills! Unless you want to connect a years long series of events to culminate in the answer you search for. But then get back on those pills!

If you have manic episodes that are generally kept under control by your pills but then you get set off and have an episode and people think you're a nutball - you're not! They're just jealous your brain is firing faster than theirs. According to 'Homeland' your maniacal highlighting and note-taking will lead to a major breakthrough in your case but nobody will pay attention to you. Because you've covered your room in bits of colorful paper and you can't stop alliterating.

So once you have your KAZAAM manic moment - get back on those pills! Even if you totally think you don't need them, you probably do. Because people will convince you you're a nutball to the point that you agree to electroshock therapy. So take those pills and stop being manic! Except for the allitteration part. Because alliteration is amazing - astounding - admirable - adorable!

4) Hiding your praying in the garage is creepy.
Don't hide your praying in the garage. It's weird. Even if you converted to a different religion than your entire family, you should be praying in your house loud and proud. Especially if you were a tortured prisoner. Anything you do by yourself is gonna be creepy. Pooping in the bathroom is gonna be creepy.

I'm sorry but I'm not sorry. That's just the way it is. Pray to whoever and whatever you want wherever you want. Just don't do it loudly near me while I'm watching my stories. 

5) Put tons of cameras in a stranger's house. It's the best TV that you won't have to pay for!! Except with your soul.

Carrie got to watch Brody do all sorts of stuff: pick out his outfit for the day, have mental breakdowns, eat breakfast, cry in a corner for hours, watch TV, masturbate next to his wife, wash dishes - everything! It was tons of fun for her and it was all riveting! She barely made it off her couch to do toilets!

It sounds like video surveillance is a must-do. Just make sure you pick a stranger who's home a lot and takes a lot of showers.

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