Monday, May 28, 2012

snow white and the huntsman or charlize theron: in a yogurt bowl

Since talkin' 'bout Prometheus is talkin' 'bout a movie I want to see, I thought I'd tell y'all another movie I'm wantin' to see is Snow White and The Huntsman.
This is partially on account of there being mostly dump movies out right now but I love going to the movies so I kind of have to - and partially on account of I love Charlize. Probably I want to see this mainly because of Charlize. And Charlize as an evil queen might be the best thing ever.
If she can look amazing and evil in a big bowl of yogurt, I can only imagine her in motion. In a big bowl of yogurt. I think she'll probably be the evilest queen who ever was. In a movie with evil queen type ladies. In a big bowl of yogurt.

From what I gather, the movie's about a girl who likes to nap and occasionally run around in the woods. There's also a guy who likes to walk around and find monsters to axe. There's this mean queen who likes to suck the life out of people by making an ugly face and then take a refreshing dip in a yogurt bowl. There're also some horses and apparently soldiers are made of glass. Or black shiny rocks. Or birds. Whatevs.

And all Kristen Stewart looks like she's doing is falling out of a toilet sewer hole while trying to pull off that whole pants-under-skirt look.
Which, let's face it, never worked on anyone. But I'm sure Kristen's doing the best she can.

Charlize can really do it all. She goes from an MRF in one show.
To a monster in another.
To being blonde and curly-haired to dark brown and straight-haired and having a mental breakdown all in one movie.
Now that's talent. She's the kind of lady I wanna be: someone who can pull of long curly light colored hair and short straight dark colored hair all in an hour and a half. Not many people can pull off such dramatic makeovers.

Charlize is going to make an incredible evil queen. Other evil queen type ladies I admire include Michelle Pfeiffer in Stardust
Susan Sarandon in Enchanted
and David Bowie in Labyrinth
If the Goblin King isn't a fabulous evil queen I don't know what's who anymore.
WHAT'S WHO!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

5 Things I Learned From 'Alien' or Why I'm Excited For 'Prometheus'

This was supposed to go up on Hello Giggles tomorrow but it's not gonna, so here it is as a SNEAK PEEP for all my dear readers: 


Last week I saw the trailer for Prometheus and was wowed. When I say I was wowed, I mean it. I said: "Wow." I was then informed it was somehow related to the film Alien and a modicum of research led me to Ridley Scott telling an interviewer he won't say whether or not it's related to Alien and you have to see the last 8 minutes of Prometheus to find out. Obviously I'm already going to see Prometheus. It looks super cool, it's in space, there are aliens, and there's Charlize Theron. These are all things of which I am scared or in which I am interested or whom I find super pretty.

But then I realized I'd never seen Alien. As a child I was too scared and as an adult it never occurred to me. Until Ridley planted the seed of mystery that would grow into a tree of discovery. So I became determined to watch Alien. And it isn't that easy to find a copy to rent in Los Angeles right now. I tried multiple libraries and Blockbusters, only to end up buying it for a song at Barnes and Noble.

I watched Alien and I loved it. Now I'm on my quest for all the other Alien movies, except maybe the ones that suck. Because I'm not interested in suck. I can't learn from suck. Hopefully none of them suck. It's too bad I was too scared to watch this film as a child, because I learned so much. For example...

1) Listen to that chick who just wants to get off the ship and get in the evacuation shuttle when you all realize the alien onboard is on a crazy killing spree. Also - if you're a spaceship maker, you should make evacuation shuttles with room enough for the whole crew.

This crew member may look like she's freaking out, but sometimes you should listen to those who freak out. After the alien has killed a couple people she makes the perfectly reasonable suggestion to get the flip off the ship. But nobody listens to her because they want revenge on the alien (i.e. they want to kill him back ). Oh, but also the evacuation ship only has four seats and there're are five of them.

What the hey, space ship company!? You didn't build an evacuation shuttle with enough seats for all those on the stupid ship? What kind of industrialists are you?! Is this the same company that built the Titanic?! Lame, spaceship company. Very lame.

2) Once you're in space make sure you see everyone take a dump. It could save your life.
Eventually we find out the scientist, Ash, is actually a robot, programmed to save the alien at all costs. In a deleted scene we see Ripley is suspicious of this, as she asks the other female crew member if she's ever slept with Ash. A better question, one that Ripley could've asked everyone, is if they'd ever seen Ash take a dump. As far as I know robots don't take dumps. Not dumps as we know them. Unless it's a super fancy robot.

If you're ever suspicious of someone being a robot - and let's face it, you're most likely going to encounter a humanoid robot in space - just try to catch them on the pot. Because you won't. Or wait until one day when they forget to flush and see if there's nothing but computer chips in the toilet bowl.

So two things learned - robots don't poop and also if robots do poop, they poop computer chips.

3) Don't let a dude who's sucking face with an alien back on the ship. In other words, always listen to Ripley.
This weird penis alien baby is what happens when you let John Hurt back on the spaceship with an alien attached to his face. This is really a lesson in following the rules. Ripley was trying to tell people they couldn't let John Hurt back on the ship because he had an alien stuck to his face, but nobody wanted to listen to her. I mean, sure, they had a saboteur in their midst in the form of Ash, but still.

If people had just followed protocol this whole mess wouldn't have happened. Everybody would be alive, accept maybe John Hurt. But John Hurt kind of deserved to not live. He journeyed down into the alien babymaking factory and boldly poked amongst their eggs. And so as Icarus flew too close to the sun, John flew too close to the eggs.

Lesson within a lesson: don't stick your face next to an alien egg, unless you want what is essentially a penis with teeth to burst forth from your chest.

4) If you have to be on a spaceship under attack, try to be a cat.
This might seem like an unreasonable request, but I'm just reporting what I learned. Jones or "Jonesy" the cat had not too bad a time for a cat being terrorized by an alien. A spaceship is kind of the perfect place for a cat anyway: you get to hypersleep, most of the time on the ship during waking hours is probably best passed by napping, there are lots of bored people to play with you, and you have amazing senses to hear when an alien is approaching so you can escape swiftly and stylishly. Also, an alien probably won't be interested in killing you - since you're a cat.

And when the ship is set to self-destruct, chances are people are going to want to save you because you're the adorable cat. And, sure enough, Ripley goes back to find Jonesy before she gets on the evacuation shuttle. She runs down the corridor to the shuttle like a crazy cat lady with Jonesy snugly ensconced in his carrier.

And Jonesy survives. So do yourself a favor and be that cat.

5) In space, you don't need to wear a bra. Not even a space bra. Or space underpants that are big enough to cover your space bum.
After going through a harrowing experience, Ripley strips down to get into her space bed to take a nice long space nap. She reveals she wears no bra, just a white undershirt. I suppose one might argue that she's in space and there's no gravity, but not so! They have artificial gravity so those space boobs need space support or they're totally gonna space sag. But Ripley knows best, clearly, since she escapes a crazy giant murderous alien. Maybe her secret was not wearing a bra. That's the key to victory over hostile aliens: free-boobing.

In terms of lack of support, her butt doesn't quite fit into her white space underpants. Again, this could be another weapon against the alien. Sure, he can't that her crack is hanging out, but she knows. And that quarter-inch of crack cleavage gives her the confidence she needs to fight back against a creature that's been murdering her whole crew and ruining her whole space cruise.
Ripley, in a nutshell, is just butt-crackin' and free-boobin' her way to the top.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

don't put mama near the toilet

Mother's Day morning. We have a reservation at a restaurant my family likes for breakfast. We get there, one person short of the reservation. The table offered to us? The one directly in front of the hostess desk. Like, literally 3 feet away. Like, people are already bumping into the chair getting in and out of the restaurant.

My mama no like.

Other table offered? Inside - whereas the point of the this restaurant is to sit in the nice outside area.

My mama no like.

The whole restaurant's basically empty at this point with lots of other 3 people tables in more desirable spots. But no dice.

My mama no like.

We talk to the hostess who only offers the two unacceptable tables and then she gets the manager. The manager lectures us on the importance of having a reservation. "But, sir, we do have a reservation." Oops, his look says. They offer us no other options. My mama says, "Maybe you have a table next to the bathroom?" The hostess no like.

My mama no like.

BLAMMO! We leave.

We leave and have a wonderful breakfast at alternate breakfast spot with pumpkin pancakes, Kugeloff French Toast and mini muffins! Oh so many mini muffins! BONUS - adorable dogs sit outside at alternate restaurant.

My mama is the best mama. A mama who gets what she wants. And she wants delicious mini muffins. And she gets'em! And she deserves'em!

Does your mama have a picture holding a stranger's face?
Doubt it!

Does your mama throw Sherlock Holmes' themed parties for your dad and hold a knife to his throat?? (EASTER EGG - see the reflection of me taking a picture of a picture!)
Probably not, stinker!

Does your mama have a photo next to a giant stone ape??
Defs nots, loser!

Happy mother's day, y'all! My mama makes monkeys out of all your mamas!