Monday, September 17, 2012

that time the bourne legacy went crazy

Sooo a little while ago I saw The Bourne Legacy. I was having a rip-roaring good time since I basically remembered nothing about all the other Bourne movies and I like action movies. And what's not to like about a guy who wrestles a wolf only to stuff said wolf's gob with a tracker he cut out of his own body only minutes earlier?

How is there no image on the internet of Jeremy Renner wrestling with that wolf? I'll have to draw something.

NOTE: He wears a hat, mittens and, boots because it's cold. They're in the snow. Hence, the whiteness. He has a hole in his side wheere he cut out his gizmo and is holding the gizmo in his hand trying to stuff it down the wolf's gob.


I know you're thinking, based upon the title of this post, is this the part of the movie that went CRAZY? No, no, it's not. I was fine with a bit of self-mutilation and lupine-wrestling. I really want to see The Grey so maybe I'm not the best judge of a movie going crazy since I'll pretty much watch with a movie that's crazy all the way across the board. In case you're getting the impression I'll watch any movie where man wrestles, mentally and physically, with beasts - you'd be darn-tootin' right!

ANYWAY -

There are a lot of ridiculous things in this film. The most ridiculous would have to be the introduction of the crazy Filipino killing machine in the third act. The scene where we discover this character exists is insane! It's basically this:

Government Guy #1: What're we gonna do? We're totally F'ed in the B's!
Goverment Guy #2: For reals!
Government Guy #3: No, you guys, listen - there's that dude we chemically enhanced from that secret program we never mentioned before!
GG1: What? I thought that program was just a pipe dream! Not even in the planning stages!
GG3: No - no, we did it. We planned and got lots of money and did all the science and now there's this crazy killing machine dude ready to go do our bidding.
GG1: I never heard anything about this!
GG2: Me neither! What the hey!
GG3: No, it's cool. This guy exists and he's Filippino in the Philippines  where all our other science is based even though all our other agents are American. 
GG1: I can't believe I didn't know any of this.
GG3: Yeah, well. He's ready to go. So we'll just do that.
GG1: Okay. It's just really weird nobody ever mentioned anything about this til now.
GG3: I guess.
GG1: It seems out of the blue is all.
GG3: Whatever. It's done.
GG1: I mean -
GG3: JESUS! GENE, JUST COOL IT.
(awkward pause)
GG1: So he's like...like the Terminator then? 
GG2: No, Gene, not like the Terminator. He is the Terminator. Unstoppable. It's crazy. Like things that should hurt or kill him have no effect. It's nuts. Nuts. Because he's still just a human guy.
GG1: Oh. Cool.
(awkward pause)
GG2: AWESOME.
(GG2 goes in for a three-way high five. Nobody joins him.)

And then we get a wild and wacky action sequence where this Filipino Terminator basically should've been injured into inaction quite a few times. And it's crazy. And then the movie suddenly ends! Lickity-poop, Jeremy Renner and Rachel Weisz are on a boat having a great time. Like they're Kathleen Turner and Dennis Quaid hanging out on the boat at the end of  Undercover Blues or somethin'!


And Rachel and Jeremy are so not Kathleen and Dennis.
 In their dreams, pals. IN THEIR DREAMS!!