Friday, January 25, 2013

5 Things I Learned From 'Sphere'

I used to be too terrified of any movie that indicated it was remotely scary or creepy in any way to watch it. Now I'm an adult and I have the courage to watch scary movies and sci fi movies. Yes, I might have cried through most of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me out of fear while simultaneously stuffing my gob with cookies to try and calm myself, but I did it.

One movie I missed due to my terror was Sphere. But no more! I watched it. I lived it. And I learned it. 'It' being a lot of stuff about underwater alien problems. Learn from my learning:

1) Stop letting Samuel Jackson take naps!
Every time they let this fool fall asleep crazy crap starts happening. Get a clue, losers! This dope has BEEN IN THE SPHERE. And if you don't believe it - just check out his chrome dome. Yeah, I said it: CHROME DOME. What's more sphere-like than that? Nothin'! Except his CRAZY EVIL DREAMS that become a REALITY. 

Give him some damn coffee. Or make him watch a scary movie or something. JEEZ.

It's like these people never learn. I thought you were better than this, Dustin. You changed the face of soap opera television as Dorothy Michaels, but I guess that's all you could ever do. You certainly didn't learn to not let Sam Jackson sphere in his dreams. He sphered almost all of you to death.


2) If you're a genius doctor and make up government reports about what to do in unlikely situations, when that situation occurs the government will have no choice but to let all your fantasies come true!
Dustin admits he made the whole darn thing up. But he's a scientist so the government has to listen to him! It's like if you're a doctor on a plane and they ask if there's a doctor on the plane and you say you are, everyone basically has to believe you. And then someone else basically has to get sicker or die harder. 

Unless eating 10 bags of peanuts, two cans of tomato juice, a coke and a tiny vodka IS a cure-all for whatever ails you. I think it works especially well for DEEP-VEIN THROMBOSIS! Deep-Vein Thrombosis is like deep-vein trombonis, except for there's less trombone.

Anyway. Don't listen to a scientist who's never met an alien about what to do if you meet an alien.


3) Don't marvel at jelly fish!
Queen, didn't you hear what I just said?? Obviously not, because your face gets jellied off. Your face gets jellied to death. If ever you're at the bottom of the ocean - which, first of all, don't be - and more than one jelly fish starts heading your way, get back to the damn underwater boat. Get back to the submarine.



4) Don't iChat with strange computers!

iChat away with strangers! Do it til your wing-wang falls off and you're blue in the face! But don't talk to a dang machine with nobody typing on the other end! Do not engage!

Unless you know the computer. And it is a nice and friendly computer with no access to your life support system, do not type. Do not speak. Do not think! Just don't do it. It's easy.

I don't do things all the time. I'm not doing almost everything right now. If you do things, you get in trouble. If you iChat a strange computer you're going to maybe die.


5) Don't think scary thoughts. But also, don't think unsexy thoughts.

Don't think anything that you wouldn't want to come true. But don't think of things that are too unsexy.

This is self-explanatory. So I guess that means I'm done.

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