Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Miserable musicals and Christopher Walken strip-dancing!

I love movie musicals more than any other movie genre. You get all the wonder and magic of a regular cinematic experience, PLUS singing and dancing and sparkly outfits! What more could anyone ask for? Not much.

Which is why I can't really deal with sad, miserable musicals.

Because sometimes there's not so much sparkle. Sometimes there's only sparkle that fell on the floor and got covered in car poop. Yes, car poop. Not cat poop. Car. Poop.

Don't get me wrong - I will still love the musical, but I probably will start bawling and/or won't be able to deal with viewing said musical ever again. This is why I am looking forward to/dreading seeing Les Miserables.

Not to mention it has my twin Anne Hathaway in it. Being all sad and bald and then dead.

Some of the most depressing musicals I had the pleasure/horror of watching include:

Moulin Rouge. Now, this reworked songs and whatnot, but a musical is a musical is a musical where people fall in love and cough up blood and DIE. But there's fireworks and dancing and whatever. And MISERY!


West Side Story, which as we all know is White/Puerto Rican gang-dance Romeo & Juliet but you still hope nobody's gonna die. GOOD LUCK!! Hopes will be dashed!! Hearts will be broken!! Through music and dance.


But I still love it! But can't really watch it. I can re-watch all the numbers individually but it's just so sad to watch and know it's going to end horribly. But that's what we humans like to do. Make beautiful things that end horribly. Way to go, team! Just kidding, we're great and sometimes things end well.

But not for Steve Martin in Pennies from Heaven! This was a miserable tale for miserable characters, but there sure was some fun singing and dancing and costumes a-glittering. I seriously will never watch this musical again it was so depressing for each and every miserable character.

But you should take a peep if only to see Christopher Walken dancing and stripping:

The only musical more miserable than Pennies I can think of that I've seen is Dancer in the Dark. That is a movie musical that makes me cry like my dog when he accidentally gets locked out of the house or sees you eating a cookie and you just won't share it with him. I might have even cried harder than that. The only thing that kept me watching was Bjork's magical music skills. And so I could confirm to myself that this was no horrible nightmare, but a musical made by Lars von Trier.



I can't even watch the entirety of that second clip because I am becoming SAD! EMOTIONS! FLOWING LIKE BEER FLOWING LIKE WINE!!

Why must I feel so much? I'm like a toy teddy bear called Feelings and all he does is FEEL things. And poop little fake poops that are actually chocolate treats. I'm not saying I poop chocolate, I'm just spit-ballin' for this awesome toy. JEEZ.

And I'm not gonna lie: Sometimes I practice singing sad songs from musicals and crying, because you never know when that'll come in handy. It hasn't yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm not wasting my time with that one.

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