Tuesday, February 5, 2013

rude salespeople are like zombies and make me ANGRY

I was minding my own business in Sephora the other day, looking to smell some hand goop and pretend I was going to buy $30 lipstick when an older lady approaches me. She tells me I have beautiful skin. I'm like, "Thanks!" And want to not talk to her and go back to my smelling and pretending. She then asks, "What face wash do you use?" I look her up and down and realize she works at Sephora.

I say whatever it is I use, butchering the pronunciation and ending up saying I don't know how to pronounce it but I like it a lot and it has grapefruit in it. She proceeds to berate me for using grapefruit on my skin and says it's very drying and I clearly have normal skin and also I NEED to know the name of every product I use.

I'm like, "I DO KNOW I JUST CAN'T PRONOUNCE CRAZY NAMES!" Here's a bunch of crazy names and how to pronounce them:
But I don't yell at her about pronunciation. Instead

I'm actually all, "My skin's fine lady - buzz off! Mind your beeswax you wrinkled old bee knee!" I didn't say most of that at all but in fact I say something like, "Fine, thanks." I try to scoot away.

She then tries to bully me into a mini-facial. I then immediately have to leave the store to avoid being hectored. Stop hectoring me, sales people!

I know what it is to be a sales person/shop girl. It can really stink. But what stinks more is when sales people try and chat you up and bug you about your personal habits.

Maybe I could understand if I'd said my face soap was awful and I just had magnificent skin. Or if I'd said, my skin's not that good - I'm wearing makeup, hence the reason I'm in a makeup store. But I ain't lookin' for your unsolicited help lady! Mind your manners! If your job was to offer people free mini-facials there are better ways to do it than trying to act like I'm a dumb cluck who doesn't know what's going on her face.

I'm a smart cluck! I'm not Miss Pettigrew living for my day, sneaking snacks off the table at the lingerie show, being scandalized by the ladies in their underwear.

My hair might look like hers if I didn't de-frizz it, but I do defrizz and I know what product goes in it and how to pronounce it. And sure I'd go to a lingerie show but only if there were free snacks. I would go to the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show so fast your head would spin if they offered churros and nachos as a spread! I'm sophisticated, after all.

Perhaps I'm being overly critical. And that lady thought she was showing she cared about the health of my face and wanted to make it better. But I'm not interested in facials or mini-facials and am only interested in makeup so far as it can set off the poop-colored hue of my eyes and distract from any stray eyebrow, moustache, and/or mole hairs I've missed elsewhere.

Now if she'd been offering me, say, a chance at a new face entirely sign me up! Not permanently or anything. Just a little while. That's really what getting a facial should mean any way. When people get massages they don't say they're getting back-als. Or neck-als. 

So a facial should really mean more of a Face/Off situation if you ask me.

I would definitely go for having Nicolas Cage as my facial over Travolta. Can you imagine Nic Cage's face on my body? Just do it! It's great.

And sales ladies? You should learn to treat customer interactions like flirtation interactions and understand that if I don't reciprocate your feelings maybe I'm just not that into you. And you need to MOVE ON.

When I told the older lady I didn't want a mini-facial she continued to pester me. So eventually I was like, "Maybe next time - ahahohoahoaho." (I laughed uncomfortably and tried to moonwalk away.)

And she just kept comin' at me! Like that crazy zombie wall in the World War Z trailer.
I really wanted t show the clip of zombies attacking the bar in Shaun of the Dead, but the stupid clip won't embed. In any event. 

It's like, sales lady

Get over me.

Find someone new.

Because the only way to get over someone is to give a mini-facial to someone else.

Otherwise you're gonna continue to make me mad. So mad I could just vom. Roger Sterling style.

1 comment:

Guillermina Falkowski said...

This is one hilarious account of an encounter with a salesperson, lady! You did it so good that I guffawed when you said that that lady must have known that you’re not into her business and that she should move on. Haha! But yeah, there are salespeople who would bug you even if you just want to kill time. I know they have to sell their products, but they must determine whether one is a potential buyer or not. Also, they must be able to determine if you’re interested in what they are offering.

Guillermina Falkowski