Thursday, March 27, 2014

I Want to Live in a Hotel

I love hotels. I want to live in a hotel one day. Well, I love fancy hotels. And I want to live in a fancy hotel one day. I would not like to live in a La Quinta Inn one day. No, sir. Maybe the Best Western where they had a herd of adorable (and probably diseased but who cares because they were cute) cats running around outside. But preferably a fancy hotel.

One where they offer you The New York Times instead of USA Today. One where there are no vending machines in the lobby. One where the gym I'll never go to is more than just an old stripped-out guest room outfitted with one exercise bike and one sad treadmill.

I haven't stayed in a ton of fancy hotels, but I've stayed in enough to know that's where I'm supposed to be. Until that dream becomes a reality, I'll have to satisfy my hotel love by watching movies that feature great fake hotels. For example:

I recently saw The Grand Budapest Hotel and I have to say, in its prime, that's a hotel I wish I could've stayed at.
It's mostly pink, it's huge, and it's super fancy. And the service seems to be impeccable. Especially if you're an older lady in need of an attentive concierge. Which I may very well one day be.

One of my favorite movies is The Shining, which takes place in The Overlook Hotel

Now I know what you're gonna say - why would I want to stay in a haunted hotel where the caretaker tried to murder his own family and also there are maybe ghosts and also blood pours out of the elevators and wouldn't that be a mess? Well, I'm talkin' the Overlook in it's hey-day.
It looked super fancy and had sexy parties. 

And I could go skiing or snow shoeing or something and play in the maze and junk. There's nothing more luxurious than getting lost in a hedge maze. Hopefully while sipping champagne.

The exterior of the hotel in the movie is actually the Timberline Lodge in Oregon so I guess I could just go there. And Stephen King was inspired after a stay at The Stanley Hotel, so I guess I could go there. And apparently the interiors were inspired by The Ahwahnee Hotel in Yosemite. So there's there to go, too. But whatever.

The Leaky Cauldron from Harry Potter. This is very obvious and you're very stupid if you don't know why a person would want to stay here.
But if you're an idiot, obviously you get to mix with wizards and magic. And I'd probably be a wizard of some kind if I knew to stay there. 

And I'd get to meet the wizard who can do magic without a wand. 

Durr.

And I will finish off with a return to Wes Anderson and a stay at the Hotel Chevalier.
Because it's Paris. And because I want a yellow robe.
And a yellow bed. The hotel was actually the Hotel Raphael. So maybe one day.

As for living in a hotel, I'm working up to a situation like Sharon Stone had with Albert Brooks in The Muse. So if anyone wants to pay to put me up in a fancy hotel while I inspire them, I'm basically just hanging around. Be warned I'll probably just be a crazy person who's actually going to inspire your wife/partner/whoever to start a booming cookie business. SO DEAL WITH IT.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Running: The Poor Man's Driving

In the past I have emphatically stated how terrible running and jogging are and how I could never. How I would never. Well, my friends, the sun is rising in the west and setting in the east and fish are flying and birds are swimming: FOR I RUN.

Side note: There are birds that swim and fish that pretend to fly.

But, Laura, you've said running is pointless and jogging is so many times - you've belittled people who run and/or jog. What has happened? Are you a big, fat hypocrite? Were you just a liar then? What of exercising in public? You hate that! So you said! Do you such say anything now?

No, no I don't say anything. I am a changed human. And if you change you don't have to be called a hypocrite. BAZAM! Here's what happened. I was talked into running a 10K. That's TEN. Not a 5K, where I should've started, considering the last time I ran a mile it was forced upon me. And it probably took forever.

How could someone talk me into such a thing as a 10K? Peer pressure, guys. And sometimes peer pressure is actually really cool. It makes you do tough things you maybe don't wanna do, but end up being awesome. So far I've yet to achieve optimum awesome-osity, but I know it's coming. It has to. It has to or I will murder everyone know because otherwise I've been running for NOTHING. Anyway!

Since I've started "training" the farthest I've gone in one go is about 3.25 miles. I need to double that. In like the next 2 weeks. And I can't not do it because I don't want to look like a lazy idiot to the other people also doing the 10K. Even though I'm pretty sure I'm about 90% a lazy idiot.


So in case you're not a runner, and you were like me and laughed at and hated runners, here are some pros and cons to show you how right and wrong you are.

Good things about running

1) Being smug while you're running when you see walkers or people sitting in their cars. You can tell everyone's jealous of how healthy you're being when you chugging along and they're totally not. And when you're done with your run for the day you get to smugly judge everyone else you see who you can tell totally barely moved at all that day. Unlike you, because you are a health running machine.

2) New outfits, shoes, and accessories. Yes, you get to go to Nike or Big 5 or wherever and buy new fancy running outfits. Pants, shirts, the works! You can even buy special undergarments! There's no better hobby than one that involves a new outfit. Then you get special shoes AND you get fun things like Zombies, Run! for your iPhone and/or a Nike FuelBand and all sorts of accoutrement! And y'all know I cannot get ENOUGH accoutrement.

3) Your butt gets smaller. Your body slowly starts to reshape itself into prime running shape. Very slowly. But still.

4) Water starts to not taste terrible. When you're running and you get thirsty you actually want water. It's crazy. Normally I find the taste of water unbearable. But when I run I am like a beautiful thirsty flower who cannot get enough of the stuff.

5) You get to eat more food. You burn all sorts of calories and crap so you get to eat more food to feed your muscles. But try not to eat sweets and garbage like me or else your butt smallening will take forever.

Bad things about running

1) The actual running becomes horrible after a while no matter what music or audiobook you play. There's just a point in running where I want to collapse in a heap and never run again. I don't think endorphins actually exist. They're one of those things people lie about to make other people feel bad, when in actuality they feel just as bad as the rest of us.

2) Your legs really hurt afterwards. You have to muster up the strength to stand up in the shower, which stinks unless you're a bath person I guess. And I don't really understand how people run in the morning because I basically become a noodle-legged useless lump after I run.

3) Other people go faster than you and there's almost nothing you can do about it. People say it's a good idea to run with a friend. But sometimes you can get real mad that you can't keep up with them. Sometimes this anger turns into a form of wonderful peer-pressured rage that pushes you along. But then some jerk coasts by like running is as easy as driving or bicycling leaving you in the dust and all you can think is NOOOOOOO.

4) Your ankle hurts during running. Some people have a weak right ankle. These people are me. And then your ankle part hurts. I don't like when things hurt. Boo.

5) You get so hungry that you eat so much that you don't get in much better shape very quickly. You might think whoa I ran forever and my dumb running app tells me I burned loads of calories, now I get to eat ALL THE FOOD! But you shouldn't. Because then you look down at yourself like 3 weeks after you started running and think why aren't you as svelte and strong as a pop star gazelle. But then you remember how you had to buy 6 cookies and not 4 at the cookie restaurant because it was such a delicious deal. And you don't regret a thing.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

I Don't Like Matthew McConaughey

I just don't like Matthew McConaughey. I don't even like that I had to google how to spell his dumb name. I've never liked him. That's a lie. I liked him once, which was in the wonderfully terrible movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Anyway. These days people keep telling me to watch Dallas Buyer's Club and True Detective then I'll like him. Or Mud. But I have a lot of other TV and films on my plate right now.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. But I don't like it when ~*society*~ tries to shove some turd blossom in my face and call it a flower. Or even when they shove a bouquet of pencils up my nose and call those flowers. Or even shoving a paper flower down my pants and calling it a bouquet of turdcils.

But. Anyway.

Here are reasons I don't like him and y'all can suck my butt if you don't agree:

1) I don't find him physically attractive.


These seems to aggravate people. To me he looks like a turd-ish fratty jerk, who works out entirely too much and loves to stare at himself in the mirror. Like he probably kisses himself in the mirror. With his tongue. And he thinks his reflection loves it. He probably tries to kiss his own naked butt in the mirror. And he just can't twist that way and it makes him FURIOUS.

He looks like the hobo who would sell me Bud Light down at the old fish 'n' tackle store. Like he smells like old fish, sweat, and cigarettes.
He looks like he's sticky with venereal diseases. Like he'd drive around in an unmarked white van, also sticky with venereal diseases. And I don't wanna piece of that.

2) I don't find his personality appealing.


He presents himself as a selfish turdish moron. Here are some things he has said:

"I got more selfish. Self. IshWhen I say I got more self-ish, I mean I am less concerned about what people think of me. I’m not worried about how I’m perceived. Selfish has always gotten a bad rap. You should do you. I wanted new experiences.:
The more you improve yourself, the better place you’re in to help others. "
A lot of people hate Ayn Rand for saying basically the same thing. So I'm pretty sure people should at least intensely dislike Matthew for saying stuff like that.  Selfish has a bad rap because it's almost always bad. You dumb turd blossom.

And he thanked himself for his Oscar and said he was his own hero about a bajillion times. He really put the "ew" in Matthew, there, AMIRIGHT?? And he said his wife called him "my king" at another awards show and if that's true I feel sorry for her, and if it's not true that's even grosser for him to say.

He's terrible.

3) He spouts nonsense.
Like this:
"There's a man I met 20 years ago. He escaped Russia. He was not even a carpenter, built a 17-foot boat and sailed across the Atlantic for decades he held the world record for smallest vessel single-man sailed across the Atlantic. He told me this, he said, 'A genius can be anybody he wants to, but a genius is always one person at a time.' So to that I say, that's what we get to do, isn't it? One man, one woman, one human. At a time. When we do it well. Just keep doing that. Just keep living."

This is made up story nonsense. It means nothing and it's probably not true. It should either mean something and be a lie. Or mean nothing and be true. It can't be as it is. It just can't.

And this:
 "I have my own vocabulary. I love linguistics. That surprises people."

Any time he opened his mouth to accept an award I had no idea what he was talking about. 

4) He doesn't even do message movie award-winning right.
I didn't see Dallas Buyer's Club but I'm pretty sure it had to do with AIDS. And when you're an actor who is hired to pretend to be someone in a serious message-movie, you're supposed to use your platform as a dumb actor to bring attention to an important issue. And if it's based off a real person I'm pretty sure you're supposed to at least mention them. And if your issue is AIDS I'm pretty sure you're supposed to mention AIDS. But Matthew's most important issue and person is Matthew. So, suck it, AIDS! 

He uses the opportunity to talk about how he's his own hero. I think that's the kind of thing people are hoping to hear. The kind of thing most people rehearse saying to a crowd who is obviously dying to hear about how much a Best Actor winner loves himself. Sure, mention god and your dad in heaven who is super-pleased with you, but mostly mention how your hero is you in 10 years. Don't dwell on the fact that that is utter nonsense since you are you in 10 years and you're essentially saying you're disappointed in yourself and hope in 10 years you'll be good enough. And that you just won a stupid Oscar and that's still not enough for you. Whatever. Keep chasing yourself and setting goals and just be the best you you can be, you crazy turd.

5) He seems like a phony bologna sandwich surprise.
He seems insincere. Whenever he talks about anything at all. He seems like a big fake hornswoggler. This is based off nothing other than just his entire McConaughey-ness as it is presented to me.

Agree or disagree with me. Sometimes I have unpopular opinions. Just wait until I discuss one of my most unpopular opinions to date. This will seem like chicken wastings! CHICKEN WASTINGS!

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Creeps on TV!

Lately I've been watching a lot of shows featuring people who I can't stand for various reasons. Yet I can't stop watching. Somehow you still manage to root for characters even though they're horrible monsters. Here are some of my sassy faves and beware of spoilers, I guess or whatever:

Dr. Hannibal Lecter
This is a guy who eats people. That's enough to say, really. Except for I'm almost most upset while I watch the show when Hannibal uses his psychiatrist powers for evil. It's like, murder and eat whoever you want but don't frame an innocent person who's already crazy that you're driving MORE crazy. Also, serving people to people who don't know they're eating people is totally rude.

And yet you still can't totally hate him. He's super smart, would probably be amazing at cooking if it weren't people-cooking, and has killer style. And, if the time is right, he can crack a mean joke.

Sometimes I think what it would be like if he wasn't a total iron chef and just made, like, mac 'n' cheese but slopped some intestines in there. Real lazy like. Or Corn Flakes with slices of brains instead of nanners. Different show, folks. Different show I'd watch.


Norman Bates
Another guy you can't help rooting for even though he's off his rocker. Sure, he's murdered people and probably wants to sleep with his mom...but boys will be boys! Am I right, folks? He also has weird hobbies like practicing taxidermy. Is there a verb meaning "to taxidermy"? Is it taxidermied? Spellcheck doesn't think so. They can suck my butt.


Any Male Adult in Pretty Little Liars
Never in any other town has pedophilia run so rampant. I think basically every underage girl on this show has had an adult male boyfriend. It boggles the mind. It's not like there aren't enough overage hotties to go around. It's especially strange that a lot of these dudes are cops. I think it's weird. Maybe it's not weird.

Maybe I was the weird one in high school for not having an adult man cop lover. But, come on. One of these guys is a doctor. I'm pretty sure they're supposed to fix hearts, not break them. Especially teenage ones.

As for lady creeps, I guess you could count Norman's teacher on Bates Motel, Miss Watson.
Cause it's not cool to flirt with underage students. Unless you're on Pretty Little Liars. And you're a man. Then go to TOWN!

Until next time, creeps!