Thursday, March 20, 2014

I Don't Like Matthew McConaughey

I just don't like Matthew McConaughey. I don't even like that I had to google how to spell his dumb name. I've never liked him. That's a lie. I liked him once, which was in the wonderfully terrible movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Anyway. These days people keep telling me to watch Dallas Buyer's Club and True Detective then I'll like him. Or Mud. But I have a lot of other TV and films on my plate right now.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. But I don't like it when ~*society*~ tries to shove some turd blossom in my face and call it a flower. Or even when they shove a bouquet of pencils up my nose and call those flowers. Or even shoving a paper flower down my pants and calling it a bouquet of turdcils.

But. Anyway.

Here are reasons I don't like him and y'all can suck my butt if you don't agree:

1) I don't find him physically attractive.


These seems to aggravate people. To me he looks like a turd-ish fratty jerk, who works out entirely too much and loves to stare at himself in the mirror. Like he probably kisses himself in the mirror. With his tongue. And he thinks his reflection loves it. He probably tries to kiss his own naked butt in the mirror. And he just can't twist that way and it makes him FURIOUS.

He looks like the hobo who would sell me Bud Light down at the old fish 'n' tackle store. Like he smells like old fish, sweat, and cigarettes.
He looks like he's sticky with venereal diseases. Like he'd drive around in an unmarked white van, also sticky with venereal diseases. And I don't wanna piece of that.

2) I don't find his personality appealing.


He presents himself as a selfish turdish moron. Here are some things he has said:

"I got more selfish. Self. IshWhen I say I got more self-ish, I mean I am less concerned about what people think of me. I’m not worried about how I’m perceived. Selfish has always gotten a bad rap. You should do you. I wanted new experiences.:
The more you improve yourself, the better place you’re in to help others. "
A lot of people hate Ayn Rand for saying basically the same thing. So I'm pretty sure people should at least intensely dislike Matthew for saying stuff like that.  Selfish has a bad rap because it's almost always bad. You dumb turd blossom.

And he thanked himself for his Oscar and said he was his own hero about a bajillion times. He really put the "ew" in Matthew, there, AMIRIGHT?? And he said his wife called him "my king" at another awards show and if that's true I feel sorry for her, and if it's not true that's even grosser for him to say.

He's terrible.

3) He spouts nonsense.
Like this:
"There's a man I met 20 years ago. He escaped Russia. He was not even a carpenter, built a 17-foot boat and sailed across the Atlantic for decades he held the world record for smallest vessel single-man sailed across the Atlantic. He told me this, he said, 'A genius can be anybody he wants to, but a genius is always one person at a time.' So to that I say, that's what we get to do, isn't it? One man, one woman, one human. At a time. When we do it well. Just keep doing that. Just keep living."

This is made up story nonsense. It means nothing and it's probably not true. It should either mean something and be a lie. Or mean nothing and be true. It can't be as it is. It just can't.

And this:
 "I have my own vocabulary. I love linguistics. That surprises people."

Any time he opened his mouth to accept an award I had no idea what he was talking about. 

4) He doesn't even do message movie award-winning right.
I didn't see Dallas Buyer's Club but I'm pretty sure it had to do with AIDS. And when you're an actor who is hired to pretend to be someone in a serious message-movie, you're supposed to use your platform as a dumb actor to bring attention to an important issue. And if it's based off a real person I'm pretty sure you're supposed to at least mention them. And if your issue is AIDS I'm pretty sure you're supposed to mention AIDS. But Matthew's most important issue and person is Matthew. So, suck it, AIDS! 

He uses the opportunity to talk about how he's his own hero. I think that's the kind of thing people are hoping to hear. The kind of thing most people rehearse saying to a crowd who is obviously dying to hear about how much a Best Actor winner loves himself. Sure, mention god and your dad in heaven who is super-pleased with you, but mostly mention how your hero is you in 10 years. Don't dwell on the fact that that is utter nonsense since you are you in 10 years and you're essentially saying you're disappointed in yourself and hope in 10 years you'll be good enough. And that you just won a stupid Oscar and that's still not enough for you. Whatever. Keep chasing yourself and setting goals and just be the best you you can be, you crazy turd.

5) He seems like a phony bologna sandwich surprise.
He seems insincere. Whenever he talks about anything at all. He seems like a big fake hornswoggler. This is based off nothing other than just his entire McConaughey-ness as it is presented to me.

Agree or disagree with me. Sometimes I have unpopular opinions. Just wait until I discuss one of my most unpopular opinions to date. This will seem like chicken wastings! CHICKEN WASTINGS!

1 comment:

Holly Schroeder said...

AMEN! I actively avoid any movies with him in it.