Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Tea Versus Coffee and the Scone Crisis

I love tea. I love coffee. And yet people like to pretend they can't love both equally. What the even heck?
Since coming to the UK I've seen just how much people love tea. Like really really love it. It's great. You can get a cream tea deal on every street corner, pretty much. (That'd be a tea plus a scone and jam and clotted cream - and don't even get me started on the pronunciation of scone. Uh oh. It's too late. It's started.)

SCONE DIGRESSION: I grew up with the pronunciation of scone as SCOH-N. Like rhyming with 'phone' or 'bone' or 'cone' and whatnot. Now suddenly I'm surrounded by people saying SC-ON. Like rhyming with 'John' if he were made of bread or 'gone' or whatnot. And this is a crisis. These folks are English, so they should know, right? But I can't possibly say it that way. It simply feels wrong. Like when people say 'mum' instead of 'mom' or calling it brown bread instead of whole wheat. Unless that's not what brown bread means. OH NOT MORE CRISES!!
Anyway. Back to tea and coffee. I am used to a Starbucks culture. I don't care for Starbucks coffee, only drinking their sugary liquefied candy drinks like Cinnamon Dolce Lattes and Pumpkin Spice concoctions. But I grew accustomed to seeing everyone struttin' down the boulevard clutching a Starbucks cup in hand. And having discussions with folks who can't function without coffee. Here these things are different.

Yes, there are coffee enthusiasts, but 99 times out of 100 (and I've definitely obviously met at least 100 folks and discussed this) they go for the tea here. People drink tea like it's water or something. Like they need it. Can't live without it. And they eat cake all the time! So much cake. I love it.
Why aren't we eating more cake with our coffee?

Anyway. I end up drinkin' a ton of tea here and for the first time in a long time this morning I made a cup of coffee. And can I just say caffeine is an amazing drug and why isn't it just piped into our water supply? And boy is it hard to spell caffeine without spell check when you've had a ton of it. I think tea drinkers are missing out on this euphoria. On the other hand, tea makes me feel serious and quiet and getting stuff done. While coffee makes me feel serious like I could punch someone's face through a wall.

ANYWAY. Which brings me to life as I know it, which is through TV and movies.  Let's peep at some famous tea and coffee lovers to make this more relevant to my usual topics of discussion.

First up. Duh, Agent Dale Cooper. 
He's who we should all aspire to be. He's kind of like Captain America if you think about it. And who wouldn't want to be a small town Captain America. And I'm so glad the show is coming back because the end of that show was basically one of the most upsetting things to happen to me through television. +1 FOR COFFEE


Sherlock Holmes
This dude solves cases a bit faster than Agent Cooper, but he generally doesn't have to contend with the supernatural and teenage girls throwing themselves at him. And he does it fueled by delicious, delicious tea! +1 FOR TEA

Kenneth Ellen Parcell
He loved coffee a little too much. How he acts when he drinks coffee is how I feel when I drink coffee. +1 FOR COFFEE

The Gilmores
These gals can't survive without their coffee. And remember that time Logan rented Rory a coffee cart? That's true love. And people are always on these chicks about talking so fast. You try not talking like that when you're cracked out on coffee 24/7. +2 FOR COFFEE

Hercule Poirot
Guy's gotta drink something to keep those little grey cells chugging. I'm sensing that tea is fuel for smart people. +1 FOR TEA

Willy Wonka
This idiot. He has his tea and eats it, too. I want to eat a teacup. When will my prince come? +1 FOR TEA

Holly Golightly
Coffee, diamonds, pastries. Done. +1 FOR COFEE

TOTAL TALLY: 
5 COFFEE
3 TEA

From this small sampling, we can conclude that the fictional world prefers coffee to tea. Those who love tea appear more alert and innovative in terms of logical thought (excluding the eating of the cup, thought that may be seen as logic in terms of leaving no trace or waste behind), while those who drink coffee have a heroic desperation about them and have great aspirations and intentions.

Thus, we conclude the debate shall rage on, as does the battle of my skeleton to escape my body every time I drink coffee. Thank you and good day.

No comments: