Thursday, February 11, 2016

Tina Fey's Boring Dress

In anticipation of awards show fashion to come, I have to ask: How does this happen?
You might be thinking, how does what happen? She looks fine. I'm saying this dress stinks. It looks like a Jessica McClintock prom dress. Not even a McClintock reject, because that would be better.
 I don't understand how these things happen. When you're a celebrity who can basically wear whatever you want in the world and you have a swat team of people to tell you whether or not you look fantastic, how does such a boring dress happen? Tina. You're better than this. At least wear something super weird if you're not gonna wear something super-spectacular.

Like remember that time everyone wore capes to the Golden Globes?
That was really weird, but we as a collective human body were just, like, okay. This makes sense. And it wasn't really okay, but at least it was SOMETHING. 
I mean, I don't know about you, but I'd rather wear an idiotic cape and look like a goddamn glamorous superhero than like I got lost on the way to the prom.

Would you rather be a Thor?
Or would you rather look like an Aria running through prom with that weird dumb bow thing on her head?

Just. Think about it.



Sunday, January 3, 2016

16 Amazing Ways to Be AMAZING in 2016

Here's some stuff to do or not to acknowledge the passage of time and attempt self-actualization.

1) Be less active.
Rest is great. There's so much good TV to watch and books to read. You know what else is great? Arts 'n' crafts. Who needs jogging when you've got watercolors and glue and glitter and stuff? Exercise THE MIND.

2) Get more stuff.
Stuff is great. It rarely lets you down and when it does, you can just buy better, newer stuff.

3) Eat fewer things.
Pretty sure most of us eat too much. This one's easy and fun if you're lazy because it's just not doing something.

4) Spend less time with people and more time with dogs.

This one's easy, too. Take your dog to the dog park where all the other dogs are. Or get two dogs if you have one dog. If you don't have any pets, don't get a dog. Just hang out with your friends' dogs more. Dogs are way better than people, like, 99% of the time. Actually, probably definitely all the time.

5) Get rid of stuff.
I know, I just said get more stuff and now I'm saying get rid of stuff. What's the DEAL?? I mean get rid of junk. You don't need junk. You don't need mementos when you've got memories, toots. And if your memory stinks, DIGITIZE those mementos. DIGITIZE!

6) Be less patient.
Sometimes you gotta smash a cupcake to get what you want. Be nice to customer service people and retail people. But be way quicker to jump to asking to talk to a supervisor or whatever. And don't let people who seem to have one or two things jump ahead of you in line at the market. These people are always trouble and always take forever and never give two flying farts about your time. Don't give people your flying farts. Save those for when you gotta catch some air. You know?

7) Use your brain more.
Listen to your stupid brain. It's done so much thinking that it should know what it's doing. Ignore the heart. The heart has no brain. Ignore your gut. Your gut has no brain. You know what's got brains? Your brain.

8) Take less advice.
People are dumb with advice almost always. Listen to the advice. And think about it. But don't just do things because your dumb friends or dumb family dumb told you to. Be your own pony. Do what you want as long as it doesn't mean you're being a jerk to everyone else. And if it means you're being a jerk to do what you want -- well, enjoy a lonely future floating in a pool made of your own butt-leakings.

9) Give more presents.
Giving gifts is the best. Make stuff for people you like. Make stuff for yourself. Make everyday a holiday. Because why the eff not.

10) Make an enemy.
This seems like it'd be fun. Nothing violent or anything. Maybe just write angry letters to some jerk corporation. And keep on writing back to them if they answer. Keep on writing to them if they don't.

11) Don't wait til you're 30 to get all 4 wisdom teeth out at once.
Fairly self-explanatory.

12) Let's just stop with Jennifer Aniston.
She's average-looking at the very best, makes terrible movies, and that TV show she did that we all loved ended a million years ago. She's not been consistently lovable since. You know who has? Betty White. Who we all LOVE. For good reason. Transfer all Aniston love to White.

13) Care less about most stuff.
Most stuff doesn't matter. Pick, like, a couple main things and focus on those. Whatever -  some dumb issue like the environment or saving the children, or maybe finishing your quilt of all the American presidents who died in office and knitting that sweater for your dog made of its own fur. But don't try and care about it all. We can't care about everything all the time.

14) Learn to cook or learn to put out kitchen fires.
Look, it's not charming that you don't know how to cook. It's less charming if when you do cook you burn everything and set the kitchen on partial fire. Figure it out. It's 2016.

15) Make more lists.
You feel accomplished and get to check things off and feel even MORE accomplished. Put everything on your to-do lists. Wake up. Brush Teeth. Shower. Put on Clothes. Check! Check! Check! Check! BAM. You're a productive wizardgenius.

16) Wear formal pants less.
People are all like, you need to get dressed to be productive. No, stinkpots. You just need to be productive to be productive. Wear sweatpants or pajama pants. Who effin cares. Now, personally, I find the transition from pajama pants to sweatpants to be transformative. But that's me. If you can climb your Everest in your pajamawear, have at it.

NOTE: The terminology 'formal pants' is inclusive of any lower body covering that involves zippers, buttons, non-soft fabrics, and anything that restricts movement of the human form.